Dreaming Out Loud ♥

Sink In, Will You?

2011-09-05T02:04:00.008+08:00

I haven't blogged in ages and here I am in front of my laptop, a week away from leaving the country. There's no way I can give a detailed update on what's been happening in my life, so much is too private to be said here. I'm sorry I haven't blogged more, haven't shared more, sorry if I've been selfish with the goings on in my life.

To say that nothing much has happened since I last wrote would be faaaarr from the truth. I went to the States back in May, to Dallas and New York City specifically. Yes, New York City. How on earth could I have not blogged about that, you ask? Well actually I did kinda promise myself that I would blog about it, but alas, I didn't. Its too late for a detailed account of my trip now, partly because its old news, mostly because I don't remember every detail of it anymore. The highlights of my trip can be seen from the pictures I uploaded on Facebook - Central Park, Wicked on Broadway, Times Square, Trump Tower, Columbia University, The Statue of Liberty and Fashion Avenue. Its impossible to come to NYC and not fall in love - the city is overflowing with optimism, competition and achievement - traits that I've never found in any of the cities I've visited so far. I seriously wish to go back there someday, to further my studies, to work, and maybe to live. I am truly blessed, Alhamdulillah :)

I'll be leaving for the UK next Monday, the 12th of September. My parents will be accompanying me, and we'll be visiting London first before heading to Liverpool on the 17th. I still haven't packed a thing yet, I think I'm delaying it as much as possible because I still don't wanna feel like I'm actually leaving. This time in two weeks I'll be in Liverpool already, and I can't imagine living alone in a foreign country. I won't even turn 20 in this country! Its quite hard to believe, actually. I wonder when the feeling will sink in.

Oh yes, Selamat Hari Raya everyone! This Raya has been less joyful than previous ones, we didn't even take any family photos. But Raya's still Raya, so I hope everyone else's was fantastic :)

Seeing that I'll be leaving our Land of Glorious Food really really soon, I'm gonna make my dad bring me to makan all my favourite foods this week. I shall end this blog post with pictures of some of my favourite foods that I'm currently craving, and MUST have before I leave - start salivating, people!

Pavilion foodcourt's Teppanyaki! The best EVER! :D

Mali's Char Kuey Teow! Famous for a VERY good reason!

And of course, its a sin if you don't recognize this! Cozy House's Chicken Chop with Gravy! *drools* :D

I Feel Pretty but Unpretty

2011-05-01T21:31:00.007+08:00

Its strange that the longer I have this blog, the less inspired I seem to be to write anything of meaning. Some of my older posts included my take on current issues as well as the emotional rantings expected of a 19 year old teenager's blog. I don't know why, but it seems that I am slowly (but surely) losing my ability to express myself through writing. Must be the effect of being away from academic life for so long.

Speaking of academic life, I have finally received my Confirmation Letter from UCAS. This makes my enrollment in the University of Liverpool this September official. Don't ask me how I feel about it, because its a mixture of too many things. As much as a relief it was to receive the letter after weeks of waiting, the prospect of leaving is still surreal. I'm not sure when the feeling will sink in properly, but I have a feeling that that will only happen when I'm actually there. As of now, it feels kinda like I'm looking at the future through a pair of foggy spectacles. It sharpens your vision, yet you can't clearly make out what is it that you're actually seeing.

Its funny that most people find my cynicism on love to be disturbing and hard to believe, when I find their sunny optimism to be deluded and farcical. The thing is, everyone I've talked to about the issue haven't been able to give me a solid explanation as to why I should change my views. The answers I'm given are either revoltingly cliched, or a sermon that eventually leads to words like 'destiny' and 'fate', which are not to be questioned. Now, please don't think I'm being blasphemous or anything like that, because I'm not. I just think that such things should be discussed objectively, or else why bother discussing them at all? Which is why I now think that bringing up the subject of my cynicism to anyone is not a very smart idea.

That being said, I'm beginning to think that the overused phrase 'your first love is the one you'll remember forever' has some element of truth to it. The thing is, how do you actually differentiate 'remembering' and 'still in love'? Its even harder to figure out because I don't have any precedent for reference. I've fallen in love, truly in love, only once. Even as I'm typing this, I'm starting to question how is it that I'm so sure whatever I felt (and possibly still feel), is even love in the first place? Can it be called love if the feeling was, and never will be returned? This is precisely why I'm so cynical about this whole subject, there's no definite answer to anything. What makes it worse is that movies and television make it look like love is so easy, so sure, like there is always someone who would accept you for exactly who you are. None of these filmmakers seem to be remotely interested in portraying reality at all.

Or maybe it is actually easy and straightforward, I'm the one who just overthinks everything way too much. That's what one of my friends said about me. But its not like I'm saying all of this without reason, because its all from experience. How can putting back the pieces of your heart be straightforward?

That same friend also called my blog 'angsty'. Perhaps it is. Perhaps I do sound like a bitter, sourgrape grinch in desperate need of some rainbows and sunshine. I don't feel the need to justify myself, as I assume that those who read my blog know me well in person, which means they know that I'm actually a girly-girl who squeals at the sight of anything pink, someone who laughs so loud she's sure it makes people stare. I just don't see the point of blogging about mundane things that I don't feel very strongly about. Doing that would render my presence in the blogsphere pointless, I think.

To prove that my life is not all doom and gloom, I've finally gotten started on my driver's license! It's still a long way to go until I get my P, but at least I've started. Honestly, if I wasn't flying off in September, I probably wouldn't have bothered taking it yet. The prospect of driving a vehicle on the road, with other vehicles lurking dangerously by, is a thought that still creeps me out.

Great, so much for getting rid of the gloom. Maybe I just need therapy.

"I wish I could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful
But what does that mean to you
Look into the mirror who’s inside there
The one with the long hair
Same old me again today."

Grateful

2011-04-04T14:40:00.006+08:00

Congratulations! Your place at The University of Liverpool (L41) to study Law (LLB Honours) (M100) has been confirmed.

Alhamdulillah, it all turned out well in the end.

Have faith, always :)

Failure

2011-03-22T01:18:00.009+08:00

I know that I've said this many times in this blog, but I've lost the desire for blogging. In fact, I've lost my desire for a lot of things lately. Its difficult to be enthusiastic about things when you're still trying to digest the fact that you did badly for your A-Levels. Its not like I fell short of my target, I didn't even achieve a result close to what I predicted and targeted. Everyday I ask myself: Why? How? What did I do wrong? Is there a reason for all of it? You wish with all your heart that life can provide you with all the answers. Answers to why you didn't do well despite working so hard, why all the cruelty, why nothing turns out according to our plans. But in life, most questions go unanswered.

I feel so inferior to my friends who obtained brilliant results, who got places at top-notch universities. Maybe I was being arrogant when I envisioned myself in one of those universities, maybe I was too ambitious, my sky high dreams were disproportionate to the work I was putting into my studies. Everytime I feel that way, another voice inside me speaks. It tells me that I have been nothing but a good student during my three semesters at college. I never ever missed a class without a valid reason, I turned up for extra classes and mock exams, I never hung out with my friends during weekdays, and not even regularly on weekends. I was never late for classes, I did almost all the work that was given to me in class. The fact that I didn't slack off during my studies worsens the pain. Its been more than a week and my parents might think that I've gotten over the dissapointment, but I really haven't. To describe how I felt when I had to face them with the results I got would be impossible. I never felt like such a failure in my life. I expected so much from myself, but it hurt even more to know that my parents felt the same way too. They never told me but I know, I just know, that they were confident that their daughter would ace her A-Levels. But she didn't.

In all honesty, I feel like a total failure. Its not that my results aren't good enough for any university because they are, but that's not the point. Doing well in my exams means a lot to me and my parents, and I still can't believe I failed to do that. I still can't bear looking at my results slip. It almost feels as if they belong to someone else. Someone who was lazy, inattentive, and couldn't be bothered with her studies. Everything still feels pretty surreal.

In life, you really should stop having plans and ambitions. The feeling you get when it all breaks into pieces overwhelms you. It makes you question things that you're not supposed to question. It makes you lose sight of yourself. I'm so incredibly sick of hoping, planning, dreaming, having goals. Yes, I'm very familiar with what you're gonna tell me. That its all gonna be okay, its not the end of the world, use this as an opportunity to bounce back and move forward with your life. Please don't tell me that because you know that I know all of it. You won't know what I'm talking about unless you put yourself in my shoes and feel the pain.

I don't know what will take this pain away. I really don't. There used to be someone whom I thought would be able to help. But like everything else in my life, the hope I put into it was for nothing. I am now more disillusioned then ever about relationships. Again, why? Why is it that you're given so much joy and hope only to have it all disappear? How can people be so cruel? How can I be so forgettable? That's the only explanation right? That's the only explanation to why someone can treat you like you're their whole world for a few weeks and then completely ignore you after that. Sometimes I wish it all never happened.

Hope is a terrible thing. It inflicts more pain than joy. I never planned to tell the world about all of this, but I needed some place where I can talk about how I feel. Of course, what I've written is not even close to how I truly feel, but it helps when there's no one else who would listen.

One More Month

2010-12-28T16:28:00.015+08:00

Seeing that a lot of my friends seemed to have given up blogging, I kind of wonder why I'm still doing this. It's not like I have anything particularly interesting to say anyway. But I suppose it does feel good to have a place where you can talk and talk and not be asked to shut up. For that reason, I shall continue to blog :)

The end of the year is very near, which means that exams are very near as well. Preparations are getting better, so thank God for that. Today marks exactly a month until the last day of my exams, and quite frankly, I'm more excited about the prospect of being free from exams rather than worrying about the exam itself. I have quite a lot planned for myself once I gain independence, I should write it all down, in no particular order:

1. Watch tennis. Lots and lots of it. I plan to watch every single tournament, whether its ATP Masters 250 or a Grand Slam. The Australian Open is coming up very soon (in the midst of my exams, in fact), and I can't wait to see Nadal lift the trophy! If he does, he'll have all 4 Grand Slams in a row and 10 Grand Slams altogether! All at the age of 24! :D

2. READ! There are tonnes of books that I've bought that haven't been read yet! E.M. Forster's A Passage to India, Jhumpa Lahiri's The Namesake, Charles Dickens' David Copperfield, Anne Bronte's The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre, Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray, Mitch Albom's Have A Little Faith, and Tracy Chevalier's Remarkable Creatures. I also need to finish: Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird, Jane Austen's Persuasion, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, and John Grisham's The Firm. Books that need re-reading include: Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings (the appendices section), and of course Rowling's Harry Potter. After I'm done with all that (or perhaps somewhere in between), I plan on expanding my reading horizons. I need to read all of Dickens' and Austen's works, Tolstoy's War and Peace and Anna Karenina, Forster's Howard's End, Edith Wharton's The Age of Innocence and Kazuo Ishiguro's The Remains of the Day. I must also read up some non-fiction, finishing Fareed Zakaria's The Post-American World would be a good start, and then get my friend to recommend me more non-fiction stuff. Perhaps something related to Philosophy, Economics or Theology. The pursuit of knowledge is a lot more exciting when you know there are no exams at the end of it! I probably won't even like half of the books I've mentioned above, but that's not the point, is it? Every book has something to offer, and besides, think of the feeling you'll get after you've finished them. You can go around telling people "I have read War and Peace by Tolstoy, have you?" I felt that way after I finished Lord of the Rings. It's a great feeling :)

3. Brush up on my general knowledge. I'll have so much time in my hands after exams, that there won't be any excuse for me to remain ignorant about the world around me. Spend hours on the Internet and read up on all the excruciating details on Israel-Palestine, North-South Korea, all the major Wars, Capitalism, Communism, foreign policy, and everything else! Come on, Aira. You must be like those walking breathing CNNs and Wikipedias you know and envy!

4. Attend as many MUNs as possible. Perhaps even start chairing! :)

5. Get a meaningful job/internship that pays. I have several in mind, and haven't particularly decided on one yet. Of course there's always Petrosains, but I do want to explore new things and do something more intellectually challenging.

6. GET MY FREAKING DRIVING LICENSE. Aira, you have not stressed this enough. YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO DRIVE BEFORE YOU GET TO THE UK. PLEASE.

7. Khatam Qur'an lagi sekali. I must!

8. Apply for as many scholarships as possible. It's extremely troublesome, and may not even be worth it in the end, but I have to try. No excuses because I'll have so much time!

9. Watch Schindler's List. I bought the DVD a while ago, the original one mind you, but never got around to watching it. I'll be honest. I'm too afraid. My mum's watched it before and swore she'll never do it again because it scarred her so much, thus I have no one to watch it with. I shall overcome my fear and watch this movie no matter what. I mean, come on, who doesn't watch Schindler's List? Especially one who claims to be a history buff!

That's all I can think of as of now. Considering that I have roughly seven months before I start my degree, all of the above seems possible. Some will be easier than others, of course. Like watching tennis, for example. I think this will be my last post for the year, so if it is, I'll just post my new year greetings now. Happy New Year everyone, and may 2011 bring all the blessings, joy and success you've ever wished for! :)

Nostalgia

2010-12-15T22:58:00.027+08:00

Exams are in a month and the studying could be better. Maths is incredibly frustrating, and I'm afraid I'll have to resort to just going into the exam hall with pure 'tawakal' and nothing else. It's all too much sometimes. I should've just done AS Maths. I wonder if I'll regret continuing with A2 Maths. Only next March I will find out.

I just realized how much I miss debate. Seeing some of the people I know participating in prestigious tournaments like AUDC, WUPID, Australs, ICRC, MDO, National Novice, Royals, IIUM Interschool and PPM, I feel a tinge of regret for not going to UIA and for not being brave enough to join HELP's debate team. If I went to UIA, I will definitely join the debate team. English or BM I'm not sure, since both appeal to me in different ways, but what's sure is that I will be a debater. Interschool 2008 is, and forever will be, the fondest, most cherished memories I keep from my high school years. Nothing, nothing will ever replace that feeling of anxiety before every round, the panic urgency in the 30 minutes of preparation time, and the elation and relief we felt when we were announced winner of each round. Victory is sweet, but the defeats we suffered were memorable too. I still find it amusing that the 2 rounds we lost during the preliminaries were to all-boys teams (STAR and MOZAC), and our quarter-final loss (which eliminated us from the competition) was to another all-boys school, MCKK. We thought it was the end of the world when we lost to STAR and MOZAC. At the time, placing 8th overall and meeting MCKK in the quarter-finals were almost unthinkable. Another funny thing was that our big break came in the octo-finals (we were given the privilege to skip double-octos because we placed 8th overall after 7 rounds) when we beat yet another prominent all-boys debating team, RMC. The euphoria of winning probably got to our heads, or we were just too overwhelmed by the atmosphere, that we didn't perform very well against MCKK the next day. The defeat was painful, but I honestly felt, and still feel, that we had nothing to be ashamed of. Never in the history of the tournament has a day school placed 8th overall, and to lose to eventual finalists MCKK on such a big stage was a small dent to the name we carved for ourselves and our school. I learnt life lessons during that week at IIUM - perseverance, humility, resilience and most importantly, the bond we formed as teammates will last forever. I never knew we could be so united, we covered up for another teammate when she messed up, and we always encouraged each other no matter what. I remembered how I broke down after one of the rounds where I did horribly, but you girls were always there, supportive as ever. Ainaa, Nadrah and Hasanah (wherever you are), I hope that you girls will never forget those few days we spent together in the hallowed halls of IIUM, for they played a role in shaping us into the individuals we are today. I wonder if you girls remember those days in as much detail as I do. Haha.

IIUM was also where I suffered my first ever concussion. I was climbing those horrible double decker beds in my kaftan (smart me) and accidentally stepped on the hem, slipped, fell, and knocked my head into the corner of the wall. I remember that I could not see clearly for a few minutes, everything looked blurry and fuzzy, and that my head felt heavy and swollen. I'm just thankful that it happened after we debated MCKK. Haha. I remember the flurry of panic it caused. Nadrah was panicking, Fatin called our usher, Kak Beah, and she came hurrying on her bicycle. BICYCLE. I was rushed to the campus clinic and the doctor gave me some painkillers. My friends were fussing over how I should take those pills regularly etc, but I was just happy that our tournament was over already by then. It was actually quite cool, experiencing my first concussion. Hahaha!

I won't forget the response from our school too. We were asked to present a mock debate in front of the whole school the following Monday. Yes. THE WHOLE SCHOOL. I felt cool back then, but when I think about it now, its actually quite embarrassing. People were calling me 'Akak Debate' and 'Tuan Speaker' after that, which makes me cringe now. And the best part was we all received Aungerah Kecemerlangan Kokurikulum from the school for our achievements. The school meant well of course, but they got the award all wrong. The brochure stated that we met MCKK in the finals, and the certs said semi-finals. HAHA. We couldn't stop laughing. I would've died if we had to debate on that huge stage at the CAC!

I know that Interschool 2008 was more than 2 years ago, and I might appear as someone whose life is defined by that one achievement. But IIUM meant a lot more than just an achievement. That tournament made me believe in myself, believe in my friends, made me realize that anything was indeed possible. I miss it all so much. The atmosphere, the people. I wish I made more friends back then, talked to more people, shared a lot more. I wish that we were not so caught up with the 'competition' side of things and built more friendships and acquaintances. Now, I would do anything just to get those moments back. How I wish our juniors could experience the same feelings we did, learn as much as we did. I wish the debating culture in our school was more alive, so that Melawati will be a force to be reckoned with in Malaysia's debating community. Sadly, that is not the case. But I still have hope that someday, somehow, we will live those glory days again. Because experiences like that don't come twice.

It's wonderful to be part of something that meaningful. And I experienced it in ONE tournament. How I envy my debate friends from MCKK and RMC who are probably so used to winning, so at ease in tasting victory. But perhaps it was the rarity of our achievement that made it all the more special, all the more precious. Being in that debate team made me feel important and included. It is truly a beautiful feeling, one that I miss dearly. Very dearly.

The Twelfth Month

2010-12-02T01:42:00.013+08:00

I noticed that this year, I managed to post something up at least once every month. Didn't know I am capable of such discipline! It's December already, and I'm sure I'm not alone in marveling at how incredibly fast the year zoomed by. This time next year, God-willing, I will be in UK doing my Law degree. I know that that depends entirely on my results, and its a long way from now, and a million things might happen in between that changes things, but I still can't help but be amazed at the notion that I will leave the country I have lived in all my life, to pursue my studies in a continent I've never set foot in. That being said, my final exams start on January the 14th, and I can find no words to describe how superbly important they are. If I screw up, it would mean that I have wasted one and a half years of my life, wasted my parents' thousands of ringgit, and shatter not only my own dreams, but also my family's. So no pressure.

Sometimes, the lack of company I keep startles me. Its hard to talk about it without sounding like an anti-social loner freak, but I realized that I keep an astonishingly little number of people close to my heart. And when I actually had someone who was truly close to me, I drove that person away with my own foolish emotions. Now, its been a month. And still that person continues to linger in my mind. It's wrong what they say, that friendship can endure everything. I don't see how our friendship will prevail this time. Even if it does prevail, I don't think it will ever be the same again. How do you find your way back, after all that?

Life amazes me in its cruelty, compassionate and mysterious ways of functioning. Once in a blue moon, you come across someone so interesting, you want nothing more than to get to know that person better. But at the same time, a million and one questions swim around in your mind, a million and one doubts, a million and one impossibilities that cause you to be resigned to the fact that these things aren't meant to happen. But I guess, one should be thankful, and enjoy all the good things and good people life brings. Whether those people stick around forever or not, you cannot control, however much you would love to. Its best to take things as they are, and not to think about everything too much. Occlumency should really exist. It would make life so much easier.

My attempts at posting something less melancholy and more significant always fail miserably. As a Literature student, I know for a fact that masterpieces are more often than not, a product of grief, sadness and tragedy. I don't wish to be overly-dramatic here, but I do find it easier to write about the less pleasant goings-on in my life. My cheerful thoughts are usually expressed through my Facebook statuses. As for writing about something more significant and meaningful (eg. current issues, international affairs, politics), I'm afraid that I'm neither well-read nor widely-read, and you might end up reading something that lacks substance and eloquence. Not that I write with any particular substance or eloquence otherwise, but at least its not facts I'm dealing with. My emotions are terribly hard to describe, but at least people won't be able to disprove them through Wikipedia or Google. Regardless of that, though, I will start writing posts about current issues and such, after my exams probably.

May the last month of the year be superb for all of us :)

Warning: This Post Contains SPOILERS!

2010-11-21T00:58:00.006+08:00

So I guess my last post was a bit too angry. I assure you this post will be exactly the opposite. Okay?

I've got two things off my back as of now: Literature coursework and LNAT. I handed in my 2 courseworks on Friday, and took my LNAT after that. LNAT was okay, the MCQ was quite tough (that is to be expected), but I'm glad that I managed to write more than 600 words for the essay section. Worse comes to worse, UCL and Nottingham don't like it and I still have 3 other universities.

I WATCHED HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 1 YESTERDAY.

You could probably tell how freaking excited I was about the movie through my Facebook statuses, and if you go to the same college as I do, you're bound to have heard how much I've been whining about it throughout the week. I prepared by re-reading the book for the umpteenth time, and yes, as any Potter fan out there would tell you, I had sky high expectations. Especially since they decided to split the movie into two parts, I couldn't see a reason why they won't be able to include every single detail from the book.

Clearly, they couldn't. But I'll get to that later. My overall opinion on the movie is that it was a lot more matured. The one thing that I feel deserved most praise was the exceptional acting by Dan, Rupert and Emma. Especially Rupert. He truly outdid himself in his performance, seriously. It was brilliant because he was angry, bitter, jealous, sad, yet his loving, loyal and tender nature speaks out a lot throughout the movie. One of the scenes from the book that I was looking forward to most was the one where Ron left, and the movie did not disappoint. I confess that I've been watching videos of the scene online before I saw the movie, but it did not dampen my reactions to the scene. It was that impactful. A job well done, Rupert Grint :)

The main complaint about the movie is that it's too draggy. I think that 'draggy' is too harsh, though they could have cut short the scenes showing them moving from yet one cold place to another and replaced it with a more meaningful scene - say the one where Hermione interrogates Phinneas Nigellus about the ongoings at Hogwarts - as this actually gives a lot of background on the sword of Gryffindor, something that is essential to the plot. Having said that, I suppose that it was necessary to emphasise to the audience just how lost and helpless they all were, and it was also meant to be a build-up to the tension between Harry and Ron. So yeah, 'draggy' is too harsh a word.

While I was quite disappointed by the absence of several scenes I considered essential, e.g. Harry reading Lily's letter in Sirius's room, the explanation about the fake and original sword of Gryffindor, the background on Kendra and Ariana Dumbledore (though this might be included in Part 2), the filmmakers spruced up the movie with a few parts that really enhanced the storyline. I absolutely LOVED the first few scenes that showed Ron looking into the distance outside The Burrow, Hermione modifying her parents' memories,and Harry visiting The Cupboard Under The Stairs. And of course, the scene that got everyone talking - Harry trying to cheer Hermione up by dancing with her to a Muggle song. I had a feeling that it would be cliche when I read about it, but it was shot so beautifully, and Dan and Emma's acting was so brilliant that it became one of my favourite scenes in the movie. They truly portrayed the heartbreak Harry and Hermione felt over Ron's absence perfectly. Genius!

When I read the book, I thought that the chapter 'Bathilda's Secret' was the creepiest in the series, ever. And the movie captured that creepiness very well. I was totally freaked out by Bathilda, and even more freaked out when she transformed into Nagini, especially since I'm terrified of snakes. The scene at Malfoy Manor was great as well, though I really think that Ron's panic and urgency wasn't portrayed well enough. In the book he offered himself to be tortured instead of Hermione, and he literally went hysterical in the cellar when Bellatrix was torturing her, but it wasn't depicted properly in the movie. Ron was far too calm and considering the various attempts of the director to show how strongly Ron feels for Hermione in the entire movie, I expected Malfoy Manor to be the climax of it all, but it left me wanting. The book was so much better here.

The scene at Xenophilius Lovegood's house was quite good, though the trio's escape wasn't shot properly. Oh yes, Dobby's funeral was shot wonderfully! I nearly cried, it was so touching to see Harry digging the grave using a shovel, and it was obvious how much Harry cared for the cute house-elf. Very well done indeed.

Sorry I had to go into so much detail. You have to realize that I am a HUGE fan of the series, thus I have little tolerance for inaccuracies in the film versions. I can excuse some omissions and errors, but certain scenes, and even words, are just too important to be left out. Considering what a huge chunk was taken out of the last movie, Deathly Hallows Part 1 is a faithful adaptation. But I think that it's brilliance stems from the maturity of the three leads. Their acting was really what made the movie fantastic in my opinion. Especially Rupert Grint. My hats off to you :)

I'm definitely watching the movie again soon. Yup, it's that good.

I love Harry Potter and now I can't freaking wait for Part 2 to come out next July!

Another Angsty Post

2010-11-09T00:01:00.002+08:00

I want to write something, but yet another post about the despair of unrequited love is boring, and not to mention pathetic. If someone were to ask me if I'm sad, I'll say no. If someone were to ask if I'm angry, I'll say no too. I guess emptiness isn't a feeling, because its impossible to describe.

November is a crazy month. I'm super duper extremely excited that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I is coming out next Wednesday! Then on Friday we're passing up Unit 2 and 4 Literature courseworks, and I'm taking my LNAT on the same day. Then on the 27th I have IELTS, and the week after that, mock exams (this could actually be earlier, depending on how cruel my lecturers are). It's insanity on a whole new level. I shall state once again that I can't freaking wait to be done with A-Levels! THERE IS A PILE OF STORYBOOKS STARING AT ME FROM MY BOOKSHELF, WAITING TO BE READ!!

Sorry. I had to do that.

I watched Life As We Know It with Belle last Friday, and it was surprisingly good. The jokes were funny and the storyline wasn't that typical, though it had a sickly-sweet happy ending and impossibly good-looking people. Whattaheck. It's not a movie if it doesn't have those things, right? It was a good day anyway :)

I've gained so much weight I feel like fasting for three months. It's funny how some people are extremely direct in commenting about my fat self. I get remarks ranging from - "Eh awak ni kena diet lah! Apesal tembam sangat? - to "Eh mane ade gemuk lah..you're just right!" The sad part is, I believe the first remark more than the second. It's unfair isn't it, how some people can eat and eat and eat without even thinking (without exercising, mind you), and not gain any weight at all? And how I (who takes care to not eat junkfood, not to eat between meals), seem to gain that extra layer of fat after every plate of rice I consume. If I could have three wishes, I would definitely wish for the gift to eat as much as I want and not gain weight. I'm not kidding.

By the way, I don't believe in the whole "It's who you are on the INSIDE that matters." Who are you kidding? We're all human beings for God damn's sake. Of course the outside matters. Name me a guy, just ONE guy, who's considerably thin and good-looking, who has a chubby or fat girlfriend. If you do know of one, please please present this being to me because I know of none. I hate cliches. Especially ones that tell you "the outside doesn't matter" and all that crap. It's just not true. People will always judge you on how you look. It's the way the world works.

Yes, you might think I sound bitter and disillusioned. Yes, perhaps I am. It's hard not to be when the person who's everything to you sees everything in a girl significantly thinner and prettier than you. It's painful, but you've gotta take it, right?

It's not like you have a choice.

You never have a choice.

Joy and Turmoil

2010-11-01T00:52:00.006+08:00

Yup, I turned nineteen yesterday and it was wonderful :) Got lovely stuff from the parents, and I can't believe the amount of Facebook wishes I got. I know that half of them probably only knew it was my birthday through the site, but for them to click on my profile and wish me is something I truly appreciate :) Nineteen will be good.

Turning nineteen hasn't rid me of this turmoil in my heart, though. Yes, that's what I feel. Turmoil. Its okay most of the time but at times like these, it gets unbearable. I'm so utterly conflicted that I don't even know how to describe how I feel. And it feels as if I'm all alone. Just like last time.

Let this be a lesson to me. Do not let one person be so significant in your life that you just cannot bear the thought of letting him go. Because there might be a time when letting him go is your only choice.

I think, above all, I'm just afraid. I'm just so afraid of so many goddamn things that I'm still stuck here, waiting for God Knows What. I'm so pathetic. I just am. I need to meet new people. I need to realize that there are other people in this world. I need to know that he isn't the only one who can make me smile.

Because I am not the one who makes him smile.

And that renders my feelings pointless.

I Got Slushied.

2010-10-25T22:01:00.003+08:00

Its official. Glee is my second favourite show ever, after One Tree Hill. I've seen the first four episodes of Season 2 (same as the US) and they're really great. The third episode - Grilled Cheesus - was particularly good, its message was deep and I give full credit to the producers for their courage in portraying such a controversial subject on primetime television.

This season is a lot more steamier and explicit, though I don't pay much attention to that, I think that people should be matured enough to tell between what's right and what's wrong, and besides its a Western show, what do you expect? Watch it for the good music. The Britney episode was epic, it was better than the Madonna one in my opinion. Heather Morris is one hell of a dancer!

The best part about the season so far is the addition of Sam Evans, a new member of the Glee club who seemed to have something going on with Kurt but now looks like he's into Quinn. If you haven't seen him, GO CHECK HIM OUT. Yes yes, he does have a Beiber look about him, but he's macho-er, his hair is not as smooth, and most importantly, he sounds way better. Before he came along, the only good-looking guy on the show to me was Will Schuester (whose looks is a combination between Orlando Bloom, Patrick Dempsey and Ryan Seacrest). I'm so happy that there's finally someone else worth looking at!

I also think that Sue Sylvester has some of the best lines in the show. She's so witty and never fails to crack me up. The screenwriters did an amazing job with her, and I love it that there's always two sides to her character. The way she treats her sister who has Down's Syndrome is wonderful to see.

Emma Pillsbury is also a favourite of mine. Her ultra-cute puppy dog eyes, OCD and vintage outfits are refreshing, its no surprise that Will is so in love with her. Its quite sad to see him pining over her in this season though. I've always sympathized with characters whose love is not returned, maybe because I understand the feeling so well. The rest of the characters are good too (particularly Artie and Mercedes), with the exception of Rachel. She's really pretty and talented and all, but she annoys me like hell (which is what the producers probably set out to do), so again, they should be congratulated for doing such a good job.

Its nice to have a new show to follow after One Tree Hill got boring since Luke and Peyton left. To those who haven't seen Season 2 yet, beg borrow or steal, because you really must watch it!

Closer

2010-10-17T00:41:00.003+08:00

Everything seems to be so near. The coursework pass-up day, the LNAT, the IELTS, the mocks, the final exams. Is this calmness normal? It can't be, because I'm far from calm, yet I don't think I'm as panicky as I should be. People mistake my outward 'calmness' to confidence, yet I'm far from being confident. I'm just uncertain. I don't even dare think of my degree. I just want to get A-Levels done with safely and smoothly. I don't seem panicky because I think that panicking is time consuming. Its almost like, the amount and magnitude of the task that lies ahead leaves little room for pondering, dreaming and stressing.

What I feel is a lack of feeling - its like I'm just plodding along, devoid of feeling, just concentrating on the next task that comes. Its the only thing that can produce results, anyway. And right now, that's all I want, results. I don't give a damn about all of this being a 'journey' and how in the end, this 'journey' is more important than the destination. That's a load of crap. One cannot afford such indulgences. When this destination is reached, safely and with desired results, only then can the journey begin. Honestly, what I'm going through right now is no journey. It's just a necessity, without which there will be no journey.

Yes, I feel dry. You can argue it in a literal or metaphorical way, but that's how I feel. Drained. And the mock exams haven't even started yet. It's not a good state to be in, but at least I'm still moving. And I will continue moving, until all of this is over.

I owe it to my parents, no one else. Yes, one always hears that 'you should do this for yourself' etc etc. But I don't believe in that, to a certain extent. Don't be selfish. Your success means more to your parents then it does to yourself. Its the least you could give them, after all they've done.

Most of all, more than anything, I can't wait to be done with Maths. No offence, for I respect the subject a lot, but its just not for me. I just hope it won't be my downfall. That's all I'm asking.

I also need to forget about someone. Or rather, get this confusion I feel cleared up. Because it cannot go on like this, it just can't.

Its been way too long.

Indulgence

2010-10-08T21:19:00.002+08:00

Despite being deep in my last semester of A-Levels, I somehow found the time to skip a whole week of classes to go to Seoul, Korea with my mum. I understand the high possibility of regretting my decision, and we shall all see just how much that regret will be when I set foot in college next Monday. In the meantime, I shall tell you what I think of Seoul.

It was my first time in Korea, but since my dad has been there a couple of times on business, I did have some expectations. Besides the obvious - spotless toilets no matter where it is situated, efficient public transport, clean streets - what I found there was a society that is self-sufficient, independent and polite. Above all, despite their lack of fluency in English, these Koreans display a desire and eagerness to learn the language that they have proven they can excel without. My mum and I received a few admiring glances from Koreans when they heard us speak English, and there were even one or two who enthusiastically spoke broken English to us without any qualms at all!

What intrigued me the most was the amount of goods that they produce themselves. The obvious ones would be Samsung, LG, Kia and Hyundai, but I found several bakeries, handbags and fashion houses that were truly Made In Korea. And to think that all of it was created by people that hardly speaks English, whose education system is entirely Korean, and whose society is almost completely homogeneous! One can only attribute their success to their hardworking nature, indomitable spirit and independence. It's truly admirable.

The success of their brands Samsung, LG, Hyundai and Kia cannot be disputed. Not only are these brands used by people around the world (including Westerners), they are also successful enough to sponsor huge football clubs like Chelsea (Samsung) and world-class sporting events like the Australian Open (Kia). What amazes me even more is, despite proving that they are able to achieve all this without being able to speak much English and without the advantages of having a multi-racial society, they actually WANT to learn to speak more English. I happen to know plenty of Koreans who studied in International Schools here in Malaysia just to improve their English. And now they speak some of the finest English I know. See what I mean when I say that it's all in the education system?

And here we are in Malaysia, harping about 'Malay rights' and 'memartabatkan bahasa ibunda', reverting Maths and Science back to Malay when we have produced neither goods nor graduates that are of any use overseas. I know of some ministers who justify the usage of 'bahasa ibunda' in our education system by saying that the Japanese and Koreans have done it and it has proven to be successful. Yes, it is true that they have succeeded with that system, but tell me, does our people have half the determination, independence and hardworking spirit that the Japanese and Koreans have? Is our country governed as well as theirs are? Are our universities as world-class as the University of Tokyo? I feel like telling these people who compare our standards to theirs to open their eyes, wake up and smell the coffee. We can't afford NOT to speak English. We can't afford to live underneath a shell. We cannot afford to be pampered and spoon-fed by Government policies. The sooner we face these facts, the closer we will be towards achieving that much-desired 'Developed Nation' status.

My Korean experience was filled with many interesting places, amazing shopping, good-looking people and awesome weather. But it was the spirit of their people that really amazed me. I most definitely will regret missing all those classes soon, but right now, I feel like it was all worth it :)

Here

2010-09-28T18:33:00.004+08:00

Loneliness clarifies.

The two words above struck me the most whilst studying this poet called Philip Larkin. I found it to be so very accurate. I do know of some people who cannot stand being alone..literally. They must have at least a few (preferably a whole crowd) of people around them all the time. They cannot bear doing the most mundane tasks such as having lunch or even walking alone. I find that weird because I enjoy my own company a lot. I feel like I can be myself when I'm alone, and I don't have to say or act in a way that would please others, and this statement by Larkin, that loneliness is actually clarifying, really moved me. Its as if he's saying that the absence of company also means the lowering of expectations, the lightening of burdens, that the path is clear for one to find one's self without any pressures or influences. And finding yourself brings you a step closer towards finding the meaning of life itself, a theme that is recurring in a lot of Larkin's poems.

Here is unfenced existence:

Facing the sun, untalkative, out of reach.

This clarifying loneliness then allows one to find that place where we can have an unrestricted, free existence. Unfenced existence. Do you see the beauty in that phrase? It is what a lot of us only dream of, but can never attain. Out of reach. Because the reality is, we all live within constraints. We are never completely free from the rigidity, the restrictions, the ropes that hold us back, due to the fact that we live within a society and whatever we do affects others in some way or the other.

That's why, loneliness clarifies.

Mr. Larkin, you're not too bad after all.

p/s: In case you're wondering why this post is so..profound, I'm actually practicing for my Unit 4 Literature coursework :)

Bukan Nak Buat Lawak, Betul!

2010-09-20T21:59:00.008+08:00

Mungkin orang yang baca blog ni tertanya-tanya kenapa Aira tak pernah (atau jarang-jarang) berblog dalam Bahasa Melayu. Mungkin juga ada orang yang ingat Aira ni tak reti berbahasa Melayu dah, ataupun dah tak nak berbahasa Melayu. Sebenarnya, bukan tak suka/tak nak..cuma dah lama sangat tak tulis karangan Melayu ni, sejak lepas SPM tak tulis-tulis, jadinya tak berapa nak pandai dah. Boleh tu boleh, cuma nanti campur-campur dengan English nanti jadi rojak, tak sedap baca. Tujuan berblog bagi Aira sebenarnya ialah untuk latih diri mengarang dengan baik. Jadi kalau anda semua tergelak-gelak baca 'blog post' kali ni, gelak lah ye. Sebab memang kelakar pun, tapi nak jugak la sekali-sekala berblog dalam Bahasa Melayu ni. Takut nanti dah tak reti langsung pulak mengarang dalam BM, susah nanti.

Jangan salah faham, Aira sebenarnya bukannnya tak fasih berbahasa Melayu. Dekat rumah, memang kebanyakan masa cakap Melayu pun. Cuma campur-campur lah. Tu yang tak seronok tu. Haha.

Jadi, apakah motif post kali ni selain daripada ingin membuktikan bahawa bahasa Melayu Aira belum lagi berkarat? Hmmm. Tak pasti lah. Kalau nak cerita pasal kolej, rasanya macam tak ada sangat benda yang berlainan untuk diceritakan. Semuanya benda yang bosan dan sama - kerja banyak, stress, takut dan macam-macam lagi. Macam tak ada modal lain dah.

Mungkin Aira boleh ceritakan pasal sambutan Raya tahun ni. Seperti biasa, hari pertama di Klang, rumah nenek dan atuk. Makan memang tak payah cerita lah, rasanya baru raya pertama tapi berat dah naik balik. Sia-sia puasa sebulan. Haish.

Raya kali ni Aira jemput kawan-kawan baik dari Melawati datang rumah makan-makan sikit. Belle, Farah, Nadrah, Rifdi, Dan dan Ruslan. Aira gembira sangat jumpa diorang ni sebab bukan sahaja dah lama tak berkumpul ramai-ramai disebabkan kesibukan masing-masing di kolej/universiti, tapi Aira seronok tengok diorang ni masih kekal dengan karakter dan personaliti masing-masing yang tetap sama..tetap orang yang Aira kenal sejak sekolah dulu. Rasa bersyukur dapat kawan-kawan yang bukan sahaja baik, tetapi unik karakternya setiap sorang.

Belle yang selalu memahami dan kuat makan, Farah yang sentiasa sensible (maaflah, betul-betul tak tau sensible tu macam mana nak ekspres dalam Bahasa Melayu), Nadrah yang sentiasa buat Aira ketawa dengan gelagatnya yang mencuit hati (ya Allah!), Rifdi yang susah nak dibaca perasaannya tetapi sangat-sangat baik, Dan yang kreatif, ceria dan kelakar..dan Ruslan yang pandai mengambil hati. Semuanya Aira sayang, dan Aira seronok dapat kawan macam korang yang unik dan serba melengkapi antara satu sama lain. Terima kasih banyak-banyak sebab sudi datang rumah Aira beraya :)

Coursework Sastera Bahasa Inggeris masih juga belum selesai dan Aira disini tengah berblog. Tak tau apa nak jadi. Aira harap anda semua terhibur dengan post kali ini. Bukan tujuan untuk buat lawak, cuma nak membuktikan pada diri Aira sendiri yang Aira masih mampu mengarang dalam BM. Tapi kalau anda nak ketawa, ketawa lah. Sebab Aira pun nak tergelak dah ni.

Jaga diri anda semua!

Irreplaceable ♥

Vamos Rafa!

2010-09-14T22:17:00.005+08:00

This is my current desktop wallpaper:

At the age of 24, this man has achieved:

- 18 Masters 1000 titles (the most of all-time)

- Three Davis Cups

- The Olympic Gold Medal

- 9 Grand Slams (5 French Opens, 2 Wimbledons, 1 Australian Open, 1 US Open)

and the ultimate...

- The Career Grand Slam (winning all 4 Grand Slams at least once in his career)

All the while maintaining an endearing, humble personality. He is already proven to be the best clay-court player in history, yet his achievements show time and again that he is indeed A Man of All Surfaces. He firmly shrugs away any comparisons between him and Federer, whom he looks up to as a role model and whose achievements he believes he will never surpass. Yet at his age, who is to say he won't? He has achieved more than Federer has when he was his age (Federer only got his Career Slam at the age of 28 after winning Roland Garros last year). I can list down countless other records this young man has broken, yet it is his off-court attitude that truly makes him a champion. Read any article about him and it's bound to mention how polite and well-mannered he is towards practically everyone - journalists, photographers, fans. His coach, uncle and mentor Toni Nadal has done a good job with him. In an age where its a norm for athletes to cheat on their wives, abuse drugs and god-knows-what-else, Rafa maintains a good relationship with his family (he still lives with them in their house in Mallorca, Spain).

Kids should start idolizing youths like these instead of those celebrities frolicking around E! Entertainment. Seriously. He is already my role-model, along with men like Barack Obama, people who have achieved so much at such a young age.

You will continue writing your own chapter in tennis history, Rafael Nadal. I'm sure of it. Can't wait for the Australian Open next year! :D

VAMOS RAFA! ♥

Nothing To Be Said

2010-09-13T21:06:00.015+08:00

My apologies for the lack of any posts for the past few weeks. I can't really find an excuse for my silence, to say that I don't have anything to talk about would be a lie, for those who know me (and are on my Facebook) would know that I ALWAYS have something to say about almost everything. No, my lack of posts isn't due to the lack of things to comment upon, but rather due to the fact that there are too many things going on out there that I find it easier to just rant about them on my Facebook status.

The second half of my last semester at HELP has begun since the last time I blogged. We've received our June exam results and classes have resumed as usual. Its mid September now, which means that most of us have started panicking. UCAS applications have started, and that alone has taken up so much time. Making my uni choices, writing my personal statement, all those deadlines to keep in mind. The effects of the June exam results have barely settled and registration for the January exams are already open. So now I'm supposed to think about which papers to retake, whether or not I can cope with so many papers, 2 courseworks, the exam timetable..etc etc. I swear I can't imagine the kind of euphoria I'll feel when I'll finally be done with A-Levels next year.

In between it all, I've managed to attend TAYMUN 2010, my sixth MUN conference, watch the US Open, and keep up with the 'International Burn A Quran Day' fiasco. TAYMUN and Quran Burning are already quite stale to be discussed right now, and besides you can go see my Facebook statuses and links to read my viewpoints on the matter. The US Open however, is still going on, and thanks to the unpredictable weather in New York, the world doesn't have a Men's Singles Champion yet. The Nadal-Djokovic final is somewhat a letdown for me, since I was so hoping for a Nadal-Federer match, but all credits to Djokovic for beating the greatest player of all time on a court where he has won for 6 years in a row, and where the same player has beaten him for the past 3 years. That being said, I'm a die-hard Rafa supporter, and I would love to see him become the youngest man in the Open Era to win a Career Grand Slam. If he does, he will guarantee a place in tennis history, and considering his young age, is on course to win plenty more Slams. Vamos Rafa! :D

Before I forget, Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin to all. Hope everyone had a blessed, peaceful Raya :)

I have to get back to Philip Larkin now. Take care, everyone.

Invictus

2010-08-24T17:30:00.003+08:00

One of the most inspiring poems ever written, and one of my all-time favourites:

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Invictus, William Ernest Henley - 1875

Words of Wisdom

2010-08-19T23:40:00.003+08:00

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Desiderata - Max Ehrmann

This is so beautiful. Each and every line is meaningful. Thank you, Max Ehrmann.

Unproductivity

2010-08-16T15:38:00.009+08:00

My semester break has reached it's second week and I still haven't done anything worth mentioning yet. My Lit Unit 2 coursework question is still staring at me from my netbook screen, and the truckloads of Statistics and C4 homework is still untouched. Its official. I SUCK.

To make matters worse, our A-Level second semester exam results will be out this Wednesday. I can't describe how I feel about it, I'm incredibly nervous and excited at the same time! It's SO BLOODY SCARY.

Meanwhile, I'm starting to realize that I care about someone way more than I should. Actually, I've realized that quite some time ago. What do I do about it? I honestly have no idea. But I guess the best thing to do is to just leave things the way they are. I've been down this road before, and I wasn't greeted with a happy ending when I reached the destination. I just hope that letting things remain the way they are would not hurt me more than if I actually did something about how I feel. Because if that's the case, then I am definitely screwed.

Ramadhan is now well underway and I hope fasting's been good to all of you out there. Lets make the best out of this holy month by counting our blessings and keeping in mind those who are not so fortunate, like the people in Gaza and also the flood victims in Pakistan. May Allah grant all of you faith, dignity and strength to get through it all.

As for us lucky ones over here, lets go through this Ramadhan with moderation and humility. May God bless us all, take care :)

Now, if only I could write this much for my coursework..

They Just Do It Better

2010-08-07T00:17:00.010+08:00

I think you'd be able to guess that I'm not a huge fan of romantic comedies. Most of them tend to lean more towards the 'comedy' side rather than the 'romantic', for instance Bride Wars and Monster In-Law. I have to admit I rather enjoyed both those movies a lot, although they did not make me feel too warm and fuzzy on the inside (which I think is what romcoms are supposed to do to you). They were entertaining, yes, and the acting was pretty good too; Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson in Bride Wars as well as Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda in Monster In-Law. However, I felt that they lacked that 'impact' that a good movie is supposed to have on you.

One particular romcom though, did have an impact on me. And that movie is the famous Notting Hill. I've seen it quite a few times, but I only concentrated fully when Astro showed it on HBO tonight. As soon as the movie finished, I fully understood why the movie is so remembered until today. I absolutely adored it :) It had just the right balance of romance and comedy, as well as a brilliant script and wonderful actors. Most importantly, it had that subtlety that I think most romcoms lack. Throughout the whole movie, there was no over the top catfights, annoying-squealy-omg-he's-so-hot moments, and best of all, no sexual references or vulgarities (well I think it did have ONE, but it wasn't important to the storyline). The best part to me was Hugh Grant's unassuming, selfless, funny and utterly charming performance as the bookstore owner William Thacker. Not only was he at his most gorgeous stage, but there was just this effortless quality in his acting that makes you feel for his character so much. He played the character in a way that he was funny yet shy and sad at the same time. And I loved how he told Anna (Julia Roberts) that there are worse things in life than being hunted by paparazzi and having your face splashed across tabloids. In that single scene, he displayed the whole pettiness of the life Anna leads so perfectly that I just felt like screaming "Woman! He's the ONE for you!!"

Julia Roberts played Anna wonderfully. She was the miserable actress, smitten, yet subtle in her amusement towards William's antics and awkwardness. And the ending couldn't be any sweeter, with Anna lying on William's lap in the park at Notting Hill, pregnant with their child, holding hands with him. I know its cliche (heck, that's the whole point of romcoms!) but this was cliche done with class.

The entire movie's setting was in London, which gave it a distinct flavour and character. The director and scriptwriters did such an amazing job, I'm so happy :)

Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts in Notting Hill :) :)

Way before I fell in love with Hugh Grant's acting in Notting Hill, I worshipped him as Edward Ferrars in Ang Lee's award-winning adaptation of Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility. Those who read the book would know that the casting of Hugh Grant as Edward was not very accurate, as Mr. Ferrars is not supposed to be good-looking. However, I guess for movie purposes the directors had to choose someone more commercial looking, and I didn't have a problem at all with that, because Hugh Grant played the character so well! He was the shy, reserved, uncertain and slightly awkward English gentleman that Austen created. I have to admit Emma Thompson did look a tad too old for him (its not supposed to be that way in the book, Austen made Elinor Dashwood a 19 year-old, but in the movie she was made to be 27), but they both made it work, they had the chemistry and Edward's proposal in the end was just soooo SWEET :) To all of you Austen fans, even if you're not one, but you enjoy period dramas, Sense and Sensibility is HIGHLY recommended :D

Hugh Grant and Emma Thompson in Sense and Sensibility :) :)

While Grant's casting as Edward Ferrars might be questionable, Alan Rickman's portrayal of Colonel Brandon was absolutely spot-on. He had the looks, the grave, reserved, serious manner, and also the look of a man hopelessly in love. Besides that, he also looked like a man with a troubled past. He was just absolutely and completely perfect. Alan Rickman is officially one of my favourite actors ever now, and for those who don't know, he's the actor who played Professor Severus Snape to perfection in all the Harry Potter movies. And best of all, he is an actor who just does his job and nothing else. He's not in the papers for being caught DUI, soliciting prostitutes, violating probations or constantly getting in and out of rehab. Such a genius, underused actor :)

Kate Winslet and Alan Rickman in Sense and Sensibility :) :)

So, what do these two favourite actors of mine have in common? They're both British. And they both acted in two of my favourite movies of all-time, both of which featured a cast made up mostly (if not entirely) of British actors. Yep, they just do it be'er, them Bri'ish!

Another Selfish Post

2010-08-04T21:57:00.003+08:00

How do you differentiate between who you want and who you need? Or are the two the same?

I miss the company of good friends so much. How do people find friends so easily? I look upon many people around me with a slight envy, as they have someone who will always be there for them, listen to them and understand them. Am I weird or something? Am I too guarded? Or am I just too selfish?

Yes, selfishness is one of my biggest flaws. I love with the expectation of being loved in return. And when that doesn't happen (it never does), I get bitter and either a) look down upon myself and think of myself as being inadequate; or b) I keep thinking how the girl that he is in love with is undeserving of his love, and that I can love him better. I am so selfish. But as selfish as I am, don't lie to yourself and say that you've never felt the same way. Because I believe that we all feel like that at some point in our lives. What makes it easier is when you have someone who understands how you feel exactly. But not all of us have that luxury.

It's not like I can't love or that I don't care about anyone. I care about some people so much, they don't even know it. But the problem with me is, I keep wondering whether they care about me too. And somehow I always come to the conclusion that they don't. And at the end of the day, I conclude that the only people who will ever return my love, unconditionally, is family.

But being human, you would be lying if you said that a family's love is enough. It would be, if only you could limit yourself to only loving them, but the problem is, you can't. You can't help looking up to other people too, caring about them, loving them. But at the end of the day, there is almost no guarantee that they would feel the same about you, let alone love you unconditionally and eternally, like how your parents love you.

So, the question I always ask is, why are we given this ability to love those who don't love us back? It's a selfish question, I know, but think about it. Some people I know laugh at that guy who goes to such great lengths in order to win a girl's heart, a girl who doesn't even give a damn about him, who thinks of him as less than a friend. I say don't laugh at him. His intentions are good and you just don't know how to appreciate it.

In the end, I know I need to find a way out of this selfishness, whether I like it or not. But I just need to know how. And if you asked me what is the best feeling in the world, I'd say it is to love and to be loved in return.

I miss you, all of you.

Three Weeks Later

2010-07-23T23:48:00.006+08:00

It's been three weeks since my last post, and the World Cup is now over. My absolute confidence about Brazil making the semi-finals has been crushed, and Spain is now the deserving world champions. The heartbreak I suffered after Brazil's loss will not be understood by many, but it was so great that I didn't watch the World Cup with much enthusiasm after that. But I was very happy that Spain won, mainly because Netherlands kicked Brazil out, but also because I think they're a very talented team, perhaps the most talented aside from Germany. And I like the fact that all of the starting 11 during the final match play in the La Liga, a trait similar to the German team, where most members of their squad play in the Bundesliga. I think having domestic players in your country's league is extremely important, not only for national pride but also because having talented local players in your league would mean that it's much easier to find talents for your national squad. This has been proven through the success of Spain and Germany, and explains the failure of the English team, where the EPL is overflowing with foreign players brimming with skill and talent.

I think that South Africa did a fantastic job with this World Cup, an amazing feat considering that they suffered from the cruelty of Apartheid and segregation only 20 years ago. I thoroughly enjoyed the African-ness of the tournament, and felt so proud of Ghana for reaching the quarter-finals, despite their painful exit in (literally) the hands of Uruguay. I'm now looking forward to the 2014 World Cup which will be held in Brazil. I can't imagine the amount of pressure there will be on the national team though, I'm sure not only their own people, but the whole world will be expecting nothing less than a win from them. Hopefully they get a really good coach who will be able to channel that pressure positively, and build a more complete squad that knows how to play like a team. Can't wait :D

College is now well underway, and my third and last semester is going okay so far, although Lit worries me more than the other subjects due to the fact that we have to squeeze in three crucial units, with no chance of re-sitting anything. The thought is quite frightening, but I keep telling myself that thinking and moping about it isn't gonna make anything better. Instead I have to get off my ass and get to work real soon, or I will definitely regret it later. Economics Unit 3 seems kinda dry after the extremely 'global' units 2 and 4, and I think we're all still trying to adjust our brains to Microeconomic theories. I hope to do well, since Econs is the only subject I have this semester which only involves one unit.

Our semester 2 exam results will be out in about three weeks. The success of my UCAS application will depend on this results, and the thought of that is really scary. To think that a few letters and numbers on a computer screen will determine your future. I keep trying to guess what my grades will be, and everytime I do that, I get scared and try to push the thought out of my head. Flying to the UK for my Law degree seems like a faraway dream still, and I think it will always feel like that until the day when I actually get onto that plane. I don't know why, but its so hard for me to have that confidence. People might think I'm a pessimist, but I think I'm just a realist. I've had enough of setting up sky high hopes only to have them crash down onto my head and knock me upside down. Until my results come out, I don't dare to dream too much.

College has made me realize how much I treasure and cherish my high school life, my high school friends. They're the ones I turn to when I'm happy, sad, bored, or when I need someone to hang out with. We're all in different colleges now, and I miss them everyday, though I'm not sure if they miss me too. But that doesn't matter, because somehow I know I'll always be able to call them my friends :)

Been reading Austen's Sense and Sensibility, and I think I love it even more than Pride and Prejudice. It's subtlety somehow showcases the novel's issues perfectly, and as usual, Austen's satirical humour is genius. The manners of the people during Regency England will never cease to amaze me. Since Austen is renowned for writing about the world she knew, I'm sure the people during that time really spoke to each other like that, Austen didn't make it up. The way men addressed women, how they communicated with each other, is just so beautiful to read. The lack of women's rights during the time was compensated by the manner in which they were spoken to, the ways in which their honour was respected. Of course I'm speaking of mannerisms here, as women's honour were violated in many ways in those days, and Austen even portrays examples of it in her novels. But one needs to look at 'respect towards women' in a different light whilst reading Austen. The emancipation of women, while it gave women the rights to receive an education, to work, to vote and all that, has somehow eroded the finer things that women used to receive; kind words, good manners and the feeling that they are well protected by men. Somehow men nowadays feel all that is unnecessary since women are now 'free' and 'liberated'. Hmmm, what a shame, don't you think?

Haha such a long post, as usual. Doubt any of you read all of it! But that's fine, I said everything I felt like saying :)

Take care everyone.

Seleção!

2010-07-02T00:14:00.007+08:00

Yupp, its July and I'm DONE with exams! My last paper was Economics 4 last Friday!

But its kind of a bummer that I only have 1 week break before Semester 3 starts next Monday. Yes, while all of my friends have AT LEAST 3 weeks of holidays after their exams, I only have ONE. Welcome to A-Levels, people.

My days have been filled with waking up late, going online, reading something other than Law or Econs, and of course, FOOTBALL. Hehe. I've been cheering on my team, Brazil, as well as Germany and Spain. Though I would actually like to see a Brazil-Argentina final. Its such a pity that Germany and Argentina are facing each other in the quarter-finals, they're both doing so well, especially Germany's brilliant youthful squad led by the cute Phillip Lahm. Argentina however, being South Americans (I seriously think being good at football is in their DNA), are fantastic as well. Messi, despite his lack of goals, has been brilliant and pivotal in Argentina's success so far. The likes of Tevez and Higuain will definitely pose a threat to the Germans too. Its a really tough choice, and it would break my heart to see either of them crash out so early in the competition. Haha, that's what I said when Germany met England in the Round of 16, but I changed my mind after England's dismal display. Germany deserved that win hands-down, despite the linesman's atrocious blunder in disallowing Lampard's goal. Oh yes, have I mentioned how appalling the refereeing is in this World Cup? Not only did they allow goals that shouldn't have been, eg. Tevez's offside goal against Mexico, they also disallowed a few obvious goals, eg. Lampard's goal and USA's goal against Algeria. On top of all that, they've also turned into these card-happy men who's mission in life is to get all the star players sent off. Don't get me started on the red card given to Kaka, I already had a rampage about that on Facebook.

So the quarter-finals start tomorrow. The South Americans are dominating, with Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay and Paraguay in each of the 4 matches. Personally, I think Brazil has the easier part of the draw, as they're up against Netherlands tomorrow, and despite Robben and Sneijder performing well, I don't think their style of play is able to withstand the mighty Brazillians. I admit they didn't look that impressive in their group matches, but anyone who saw their match against Chile has to admit that they're definitely back. That second goal, a combination of passes between Robinho, Kaka and Luis Fabiano was classic. Hopefully they turn on the style against the Netherlands, and most importantly, I hope both teams don't resort to boring defensive football. Can't wait to see Kaka, though he's carrying a yellow card from the Chile match. He really needs to be careful, though he has a point when he asked why the referees seem to have taken an interest in him. Probably they're just jealous of his looks :D

If they win against the Dutch (which they will), they'll be up against either Uruguay or Ghana. See what I mean by their draw being a lot easier? Argentina/Germany will have to take on Spain for the semis (since Paraguay is such a mangkuk), and obviously, its a much higher mountain to climb. Villa is seriously on form right now!

My choice for the final: Brazil vs. Argentina/Brazil vs. Germany. The latter would be a repeat of the 2002 final which Brazil won, and it was the first World Cup that I got really passionate about. I remember worshipping Brazil's legendary centre-back Roberto Carlos. Man, that guy had some skills :D

All the hype sorrounding the World Cup has kinda overshadowed the other major sporting event this summer - Wimbledon. Yep, I'm a tennis fan too, and I freaked out last night when I found out that Federer was knocked out by Thomas Berdych! Federer, the man who has been in the final 7 years in a row, won 6 of them, the King of Wimbledon, crashed out in the quarter-finals! Though Federer wasn't 100% fit, all credits should be given to Berdych. Imagine how it must feel to beat the greatest tennis player of all time on his favourite surface, in the quarter-finals! He must be one hell of a player. Hopefully he plays as well for the semi-final against Djokovic :)

But Federer, if this is indeed the beginning of your decline, you have nothing to be ashamed of. With 16 titles, you have surpassed every other male player in history and you've probably broken every record there is to be broken. You'll be up there among the greats, together with athletes like Michael Schumacher, Tiger Woods and Pele.

The other semi-final will be between my favourite player, Rafael Nadal and crowd favourite, Andy Murray. I want Nadal to win of course, and I always have faith in him, because that guy's mental strength is seriously the best I've ever seen in any athlete. Even if he isn't 100% fit, I still have confidence in him somehow, because of that outstanding mental strength of his. I would've loved to see a Federer-Nadal final, but Berdych spoiled the party, so now I'm hoping for a Nadal-Berdych encounter :)

Wow, this post is truly refreshing. Haha. No emo-ing, complaining, whining, its all about sports! But that doesn't mean I'm okay emotionally, though. The whole cycle is repeating itself again. And I don't know how to break it. Sigh.

The FIFA website didn't allow me to save the picture, so I had to printscreen it =.= Anyway, this is the star trio that I hope will bring the World Cup back to Brazil! And my Kaka in the middle :)

Take care, everyone :)

Insignificance

2010-06-04T22:18:00.004+08:00

Nope, my exams haven't finished yet. I still have six more papers to go. And yet I'm here typing. I just feel so bored of studying, somehow. I have Econs Unit 2 next Monday, which isn't exactly a piece of cake. Sigh.

You know when a guy tells you, "You've been a really good friend to me, I love you as a friend." I guess it sounds sweet and all, but to me, its just a polite way of saying "I'm sorry, but you're just not good enough for me."

I just feel so unimportant to you. Even if you can't love me like how I love you, can't you at least make me feel important? Probably that's not possible. Probably only those you love are important to you. Hmmm, isn't that a big fat DU-UH? Why am I still questioning it?

Because the depression is starting to sink in again. I feel so insignificant.

All that being said, I do feel guilty moping about this when the people in Gaza are fighting to stay alive, every single day. When those brave, selfless, amazing people on those aid ships don't mind risking their lives for a higher purpose.

I wish I could be with them. Because seeing what they go through everyday, my own life seems so small. My struggles seem so minuscule compared to everything they have sacrificed, and will continue to sacrifice.

If only I could possess half the strength that they have, I can get through anything.

Stop fretting Aira, you seem so shallow. There are bigger problems out there. Bigger and more terrible than anything you have ever been through. So suck it up and put a smile on your face!

I Have To Share This

2010-06-01T22:32:00.003+08:00

This e-mail my mum forwarded to me is too good to not share with everyone. You don't have to be a Muslim to be able to understand it, for I think its a lot of common sense. Its an open letter by a Catholic priest from the UK to the infamous Dutch MP Geert Wilders, the one who made the short film 'Fitna' that caused outrage a few years ago. To those who are unfamiliar, he is infamous for his open criticism of Islam, you can look him up on Wikipedia if you want to.

Open Letter to Islam-o-phobe Dutch MP Geert Wilders:

Dear Mr Wilders,

They say you can only take a horse to the water, you can’t make it drink. But human beings are not horses. Unlike animals, they can be reasoned with.
I offer these few remarks in the faint hope you are amenable to reason.
It is about your recent speech to the Alliance of Patriots in New York. In which you paint an apocalyptic picture of ‘the Islamization of Europe’. You describe some European cities with Muslim neighbourhoods in lurid terms. It is a world ‘where women walk around in figureless tents...
Their husbands, or slave holders, if you prefer, walk three steps ahead’. Mr Wilders, I live bang near one of those areas in West London.
I often visit Whitechapel and Edgware Road – parts of our colourful Londonistan - I have never seen a Muslim woman walking behind her husband. Rather, the mothers stroll about in a proud, dignified manner, alongside the men.
Nothing in their behaviour suggests a subordinate role, let alone slavery. And there are tons of lively, even feisty Muslim girls wearing all sorts of gear.
True, they may not, as a rule, behave like permissive, liberated females, baring the flesh, hugging and kissing partners in public, no.
I would even guess most of them don’t sleep with boys before marriage. But since when are chastity, modesty and self-restraint so bad? The traditional, Christian mores of the Western civilisation which you claim to uphold used to prize such things, no?

'25 per cent of the population of Europe will be Muslim just 12 years from now’.
Lies, damned lies and statistics, someone said..
But if you want native Europeans to stay numerically supreme, how about encouraging them to have more children?
To urge them not to use contraceptives, the pills? To give up abortion? To bolster family values?
Stop bashing Islam.
Embrace the Christian religion in its conservative, sound traditions and all will be kosher.
‘Thousands of mosques across Europe. With larger congregations than churches’, you notice. Well, whose fault is that?
Do perhaps Muslims stand at church doors, stopping the eager faithful from worshipping the Lord?
Methinks you should rather address yourself to Christians. ‘Look at Muslims’ you should say. ‘Look at how many regularly pray. How keen they are on the observances of their religion. You should do the same.’ Exactly.
The flourishing of mosques across Europe should serve as a stimulus to Christians.
A window of opportunity.
As an urgent reminder to get back to their vital, life-giving roots – the worship of the One True God. Why blame pious Muslims for the faults of lukewarm or nominal Christians, eh?
In Amsterdam ‘gays are beaten up almost exclusively by Muslims’.
Awful, if true.
Funnily enough, I recall the words of Pym Fortuyn, the gay right-wing politician murdered by a fanatic. ‘I have nothing against Moroccans – I have slept with so many of them.’
‘The history of the Holocaust can no longer be taught because of Muslim sensitivity.’
How bizarre. First, a godson of mine has been to Auschwitz, on a school trip. Part of a programme to learn about wartime horrors. School curricula in Britain do in fact include projects about WWII and persecutions of Jews and other people.
London’s Imperial War Museum has a holocaust section, which I viewed just the other day. What’s more, TV channels force-feed viewers with a daily, obsessive dose of films and programmes about the war and Germany’s crimes.
If anybody should complain about this state of affairs, it should be Germans. It fuels Germanophobia, the lurking, masochistic English vice. Do today’s Germans deserve such constant pilloring? After all, isn’t Germany amongst the strongest supporters of your beloved state of Israel?

The Prophet Muhammad.
Had he been ‘a man of peace...like Gandhi and Mother Teresa wrapped in one, there would be no problem. But Mohammed was...’ I won’t quote the rest, as it would be distasteful.

Muhammad certainly did not found a religion like the Quakers, no. And he is definitely different from figures like Buddha and Jesus. However, why you did not compare him to a prophet and lawgiver like Moses?
Muhammad had the Jewish tribes of Banu Qurayza slaughtered, you write. Well, Exodus 32:25 has Moses ordering the Levites to slay those who had worshipped the Golden Calf, about 3000 men.
‘Today you have ordained yourselves for the service of the Lord’ Moses told the slayers. Hardly like Gandhi, would you agree?

You are silent about Moses, I suspect, because in your speech you wrapped yourself in the mantle of defender of Israel.
Mr Wilders, this Anglican priest is opposed to the destruction of the state of Israel. Because I am a Christian, Jews are rather important to me.
I support both a Jewish state and a Palestinian state.
A modest-sized Jewish Vatican in the Holy Land is the realistic solution.
Bernard Wasserstein’s thoughtful book, ‘Israel & Palestine’, points the way. Wasserstein shows how your fantasy of Israel as a heroic outpost of the West against the incoming Jihad is nonsense.
Indeed, Israeli society today needs immigrants as much as Europe does. And they won’t be Jewish immigrants.
Despite your astonishing garbage about rising anti-Semitism in France (headed by a Jewish President!), Jews worldwide are happy where they are - they not migrating to Israel – or should I say ‘Isra-hell’, as my Israeli friend Ronen once wrote?

Ok, you don’t like Muslims.
Yet they are not going to go away.
Your case is analogous to that of the man whose garden was infested by ladybirds. They were everywhere.
He didn’t like them. He tried several methods to get rid of them. Sprays, insecticides, this and that. Nothing worked.
The ladybirds kept being around. Indeed, they multiplied. The guy was getting obsessed with them, growing paranoid, bitter, haunted.
Eventually, he sent an e-mail to a wise old friend, an experienced gardener: ‘What should I do about the damned ladybirds?’
The reply came: ‘I suggest you learn to love them’.

Revd Frank Julian Gelli

Shadows From The Past

2010-05-29T20:47:00.011+08:00

Sometimes, I can't help but think about how my life would have turned out to be if I didn't turn my back on three things:

1. Kolej Tuanku Ja'afar

2. Tunku Kurshiah College

3. International Islamic University of Malaysia

Quite a few people know about how I left TKC and rejected my offer from IIUM, but not many know about KTJ. After my PMR trials in 2006, my parents saw an ad in the paper regarding KTJ offering a post-PMR scholarship to study there. They thought it would be a good idea for me to apply, and so I did. I went for the interview, which was held in KTJ itself, which was all the way in Mantin. I remembered the Mat Salleh principal interviewing me, as well as the vice-principal. I honestly did not know how well I did, and I thought that I wouldn't stand a chance since so many other brilliant students would have applied too. I really enjoyed the campus tour. They brought us around the school, showed us the dining hall, classrooms and dorms. Honestly, I thought it looked so beautiful. It had the whole 'English boarding school' feel to it, and the dorms were the coolest part. If I had joined, I would be in Form 4, which means I'll be a senior. And if I am not mistaken, seniors get to share a dorm with only 3 other people. The dorms looked very homey as the students were allowed to use their own bedsheets, bring their own bantal busuks and teddy bears and stuff. It was cool. Really.

And so about 2 weeks after that, they sent me a letter saying that I got the scholarship. I got it. But there was a catch. It wasn't a full scholarship (even if it was full, it would have covered tuition fees only), but only a half scholarship. Until today I have no idea why they did that, but my parents did the math and decided that they might as well keep the money for my university education instead. The half scholarship barely covered anything. And so..I didn't go to KTJ. KTJ, probably the most exclusive (and expensive) boarding school in Malaysia. At the time, I didn't feel too sad about it, maybe because I was happy that I wouldn't be missing my friends in Melawati. Not that I regret it now, but sometimes I can help thinking how I would've turned out if I did go. Maybe I would have been exposed to MUN much much earlier. Maybe I would continue on until my A-Levels, and I would not be in HELP like now. Hmmm.

As for TKC..well, my mum had her secondary education there too, and she is a member of the Old Girls' Association. Obviously TKC played a huge part in making her who she is today, because my parents have been encouraging me to go there ever since I was a little girl. My mum would tell me stories about her time there, and to me, it was almost confirmed that TKC would be my secondary school. Seriously.

When the time came, I got 5A's in my UPSR, and my mum sent in my application through the OGA. And yep, I got in. But after 3 months there, my parents insist that I come out and continue my education here in SMK Taman Melawati. I shall not go into details about why my parents insisted that I left, because I don't think that its really appropriate to be discussed here. But lets just say that if I had it my way, I could've stayed on in TKC for all 5 years. But my parents knew better, I guess. Probably I do feel a tinge of regret in the sense that my chances of obtaining a government scholarship would have been so much higher if I stayed on there. But other than that, I guess I have no regrets. Melawati did me good, and the people I met there left a huge impact on me until today.

As for IIUM, it was my first choice in my UPU application (I applied for Asasi Undang-undang), so naturally I was happy when I got it. I really was. I've stayed in the campus before, twice, and the atmosphere did attract me. Besides, the Law faculty is probably the most reputable in the country, next to Universiti Malaya's. But alas, when I got the offer, I still harboured intentions of studying overseas. My parents too. After finding out that JPA rejected my scholarship application, my mum gave me a choice between IIUM and doing my A-Levels in HELP or Taylor's. I thought about it long and hard and I decided that I wanted to pursue A-Levels. So with a heavy heart (I really mean that), I posted the offer package they sent to me back to them, thus turning my back on a perfectly good university offer. I really hope IIUM gave the offer to someone else who deserved it.

Looking back on all the choices I made, and seeing where I am today, I really don't think I have any regrets. Sure, it was hard to do what I did, I mean, who turns their backs on KTJ, TKC and IIUM? I remember when I just left TKC, people would say to me "You gila ke? Orang berebut-rebut nak masuk TKC tu, you keluar. Apa lah!". At that time, I did feel a bit stupid. Like, why did my parents take me out? I could have managed it, you know. But then, looking at things now, in a different perspective, I do feel that it was all for the best. God certainly had His plans for me.

If I went to KTJ or TKC, I wouldn't have met all the wonderful friends and teachers in Melawati. If I went to IIUM, I wouldn't have met all the brilliant people here in HELP, I probably would still not know the existence of MUN. So you know what, all those choices my parents and I made, were not bad after all. Sometimes you gotta go with your instincts, trust yourself a bit more, and have faith in God.

Hmmm. Actually I'm not really sure what the whole point of this post is. I guess I was having one of my 'reminiscing about the past' moments. Haha. Well, I don't have any papers next week. Though I should really take advantage of it and use the time to study my ass off. Right? :)

My previous post was so freaking depressing. But I really was so freaking depressed. I'm a lot better now though. Better as in I don't cry my eyes out every time I think about him anymore, and I don't walk around feeling like an empty shell anymore, but the pain is still there. Oh yes, its still there alright. Sigh.

Now that American Idol has ended (I don't care what you say, Lee DeWyze is one of my fav winners, ever!), I can't wait for the World Cup to start! I'll be rooting for Brazil, Spain and England! Huhu! And of course, like every other typical hormonal teenage girl in the world, I can't wait to see this hunk in action:

He has to be the handsomest footballer in the world right now, period. And he's got mad skills too! I love you, Kaka! :D

Take care, everyone!

Asylum

2010-05-22T21:15:00.008+08:00

A good friend of mine, who apparently frequents my blog (I am so flattered), told me to update my blog more. Haha. Which is not a bad idea actually. I just noticed that I have 20 Followers on this thing. Twenty. Whooaa. And some of them I don't even know. Is that creepy or flattering? Hmmm.

Anyway, my exam officially starts next Monday. Core Mathematics 1. I don't really know what to say about my exam preparations. Somehow I feel I'm okay..but then again, I can't be too sure. Sigh. I really don't know :(

Maybe some of you who are on my Facebook would have noticed that my statuses have been very emotional lately. Well, that's because I'm not in a very good place right now. In fact, I think I'm in a pretty dark place. If you look back at my previous blog posts from last year, you would notice that many of them were very sad, dark and depressing. Well, how I'm feeling right now, I can safely say, is a million times worse. I don't post those feelings up in detail like before simply because I can't seem to find the right words to describe them. And I also don't feel very comfortable telling the whole world my innermost feelings.

But to sum up how I feel right now, I guess you'll just have to imagine this. Imagine finding every single thing you've been looking for, finding it, loving it so much, and knowing you can't have it, ever. And then the thought of it makes you want to cry. Even worse, you can't cry because you've dried up all your tears already. Imagine walking around feeling so freaking empty, like there's this huge gaping hole in the pit of your heart that just can't be filled. To top it all off, you have to go through all that alone. Because no one is there to listen. And no one will ever come close to truly understanding how you feel.

At times, the pain of it all numbs you. Its like, the pain is there, but somehow you can't really feel it. I know that doesn't make sense, but its almost as if you're so exhausted, drained, that you just don't feel anymore. And then you tell yourself that the only way out of this is to move on. To forget. But how the hell do you do that when the very source of your misery is also the very reason you smile? And how do you get rid of that horrible bitterness in your heart? That anger? Someone please teach me how to be selfless, because I really don't know.

I honestly have no idea what can heal me. Maybe time will. But how much time will it take exactly?

Please don't tell me he's not the only guy in the world. Because I've heard that so many times already, I feel like puking. In fact, I haven't heard anything that is different from what I've heard before. Its not like I don't appreciate it, but I feel so useless. I feel so numb and useless.

Haih. I've tried my best to describe what is it I'm going through without giving away too much. And yet I still feel that words can't properly describe it.

But one thing that has helped quite a bit is music. Music is really good for the soul. I'm glad I'm not musically-inclined at all, or I would be wasting so much time writing depressing songs instead of studying.

So, this is what insanity feels like. Take me away. Please.

Lean On Me

2010-05-03T17:20:00.008+08:00

I have lost the will to blog lately. Maybe because I don't think words can really describe all that I'm feeling at the moment. That is ironic coming from me, someone who loves words and how they can form something so accurate and meaningful. But I'm gonna try, from now on, to post up something at least once a month.

So its May already. My exams are coming in about a three weeks, my first paper being Core Mathematics 1, which I am re-taking due to my mangkuk-ness (I got a B for it during the January exams. FML). I'm truly nervous for the exams. I have 8 papers to sit for, all stretched out in the course of 1 whole month. The success of my UCAS application depends on this exam, all the more reason why I simply have to do well. More than anything, I want to fulfill my dream of getting into University College London for my Law degree. Everything else can come later.

Lately, I really feel like doing Political Science or International Relations for my degree. Mind you, I have no ambitions whatsoever of being a politician or anything like that, I don't think I have what it takes. But I just love the study of it, learning about systems of government, democracy, communism, capitalism, elections, parliament and all that stuff. I've always been interested in international issues, and I think PoliSci or IR would suit me perfectly. But alas, my mum thinks that there aren't enough career opportunities in Malaysia for a PoliSci or IR graduate (unless I want to work with the government, or be a lecturer, neither of which I intend to do). Therefore I'm sticking to Law. Not that its bad or anything, I'm interested in Law too, its just that if I could do my heart's desire, it would either be PoliSci, IR or even English Literature.

Speaking of Lit, we have finally submitted our much dreaded coursework to the department on the 26th of April. Now, its all up to Ms.Caroline to grade us, and the will of God to pay off all the hard work we've put into it. I'm hoping against hope that I get a B at least, as re-taking it next semester together with Unit 3 and 4 might probably kill me. Literally.

I've noticed that lately, much to my dismay, the appeal of someone with intelligence and maturity has been taken over by mindless and bimbo-ish people who seem to sail through life based on what (little) they wear and bodies they have. I might sound bitter, but thats a fact. People nowadays, especially boys, can't seem to AT ALL look beyond a girl's appearance. They have completely lost the ability to see with their minds and not with their eyes. Maybe thats because they lack brains themselves. Yeah, that must be the reason. How else can you explain it?

Maybe I'm being unfair towards the male species here. There are some girls that I know who seek nothing else in boys except for their looks, what they wear, what car they drive and whether or not they have six-pack abs that will put Taylor Lautner to shame. Perhaps this is the effect that television and Hollywood has had on youths nowadays. Your heart and mind doesn't matter anymore. As long as you show some skin, socialize a lot, act all stupid to attract attention, and you're good to go.

The most baffling thing is, other people actually have the patience with girls/guys who are like that. Or maybe they actually do think its 'cute' and they actually 'like' it. Oh well, I guess I'll never be able to have that kind of tolerance. I admit that I am quite a serious person and I can't stand ignorance or plain stupidity. Its true that common sense is not so common anymore. Sigh.

I guess that's enough rantings for one post. Till next time, take care!

My latest indulgence :)

Even Obama, my idol, reads it! Hehe!

Lethargic

2010-04-12T21:46:00.004+08:00

Today was not a good day. I was attacked by this terrible headache that made me nauseous, sleepy and weak all at the same time. I hope I didn't inherit my mom's migraines :S

Life is just crawling along day by day. It gets so sickening at times. Not that the people I meet or the things I do makes life sickening, its the monotony of it all. I find myself dreaming of a different place, a different life, something new and refreshing and most of all, exciting. Life just doesn't excite me anymore. Wake up, get dressed, go to college, Econs, Law, Maths, Coursework, come home, eat, sleep, and you wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm truly thankful for all that God has given me in this life. I have a wonderful family and dedicated lecturers. I get to go to college and pursue knowledge, a chance to make something out of myself. I am so blessed.

But sometimes I feel that I need someone to go through all of it with. Yes, despite my 'Miss Independent' thing that I have, it does get unbearably lonely at times. Like a friend of mine said: "Being independent can be lonely at times."

The thing, is, its not that I want to be so independent all the time. But its not like I have a choice. There is one person whom I wish, more than anything else right now, was with me, who loves me enough to go through all of it with me, who loves me and wants me as much as I want him. I never knew you could want someone so bad you can't get him out of your mind.

I need you to inspire me. I really do. But you're too busy inspiring someone else.

Therefore, you will never know how I feel. And maybe that's for the better.

p/s: My blog needs more pictures. It looks so dead.

I Should Not Be Writing This

2010-03-30T21:14:00.005+08:00

No, I should not. Because I have coursework to do. But I have stuff to talk about, too. So coursework can wait (Are you kidding, Aira? Coursework cannot wait. Pffftt. You will SO regret this later).

HELPMUNC 2010 just ended last weekend. Three months of intense preparation, of literally living with those placards in my room, it all culminated in the span of three days. And it was all worth it, seeing everything come to life. Working together to put up such a prestigious event certainly made a huge impact on me, and I will never forget it, ever. Sure, it does get a bit frustrating when you know you played such a big part in making the conference happen, only to have people on the day referring to you as an 'admin' instead of 'Deputy Secretary General'. At times, I did feel so unappreciated that I asked myself, 'Why am I doing this?'. But then when I calm down and look back, I tell myself that if you have worked hard for something, you shouldn't need other people to make you feel good about it. Of course, a pat in the back would be really nice, but another thing I've learned from this is that you can never expect too much from people. The more you expect, the more you get frustrated. So just go with the flow and don't take things too seriously.

To Jonathan, James and all Secretariat members, though I doubt that any of you are reading this, I just wanted to say how blessed I am to have had the opportunity of working with you guys. I also want to apologize for all the times I was bitchy, bossy or rude. I love each and everyone of you and we do make an awesome team, don't we? :)

As for matters of the heart, as always, I'm going through that hopeless feeling where you just think about someone , knowing that they will never think about you. That feeling where you just know you can love that someone for exactly who he is, but you're not even considered as a friend to him. Why do I put myself through this? This pain..this seemingly endless cycle of sadness and frustration? I hate it so much. Sigh.

Anyhow, college life is catching up on me very fast. April is coming, which means that all the mock exams are coming, and I am still unprepared. I have such high ambitions but sometimes I question myself, am I really working as hard as I should towards those ambitions?

You better start working your ass off, Aira. Or you can kiss UCL goodbye.

p/s: I miss you so much, but you will never know.

Holes and Cracks

2010-03-08T23:05:00.007+08:00

Its March already! Time seems to move faster than ever nowadays. And have you noticed how hot the weather is these days? I wonder how long this heat is gonna last, its getting quite unbearable actually.

So life has been...life. The semester is getting busier and busier each day, sometimes I cannot believe the amount of work I have to do, and even harder to imagine is how on earth am I gonna be able to do this. A warning to all you post-SPM people out there, A-Levels is NOT for the faint-hearted. Be warned.

HELP University College Model United Nations Conference is coming up at the end of this month, from the 26th - 28th of March. My days have been occupied with making placards, which is a very tiresome job indeed. And next comes the nametags, lanyards, gavels, food, trophies, certificates..and the list goes on. I just hope everything goes well in the end or all the hard work put in by the Secretariat would be in vain.

Been watching American Idol and I do agree with a lot of people that the talent isn't so WOW this year. Maybe they're all mourning the fact that its Simon's last season. Despite my constant irritation with the dude, I admit that I will miss his weird but hilarious comments on the contestants' performances. The guy sure has been to A LOT of weddings, theme parks, funerals and cruise ships.

Literature is probably the hardest subject I have, but class has never been more interesting. Ms. Sunita really comes up with thought-provoking ideas and comments that are just refreshing compared to the other more fact-based classes. That being said, I think coursework will start killing me soon. Sigh. Today's lesson was particularly interesting as we were talking about men and women and how differently they view things like love, relationships and sex (we were studying Shakespeare, so go figure). It was interesting as I have always believed how different it is for both genders, you know. Sometimes I think about what I look for in a guy and what the guys around me look for in a girl and I'm absolutely convinced that I will never get married. Which is not a bad thing, really.

Now this is getting too personal. But lets just say the events that led towards my last emotional post has convinced me even more that I would be better off without ever having another half in my life. You should never need someone else to make you feel whole, anyway. That's not how God made you to be. That's all just pure crap.

Now I sound like a typical tragic tortured teen with issues. Hmm, but so what if I am?

Bitter Heart, Bitter Heart

2010-02-22T18:39:00.005+08:00

"Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return."

I could not agree more.

(sound of a heart shattering into a million tiny smithereens in the background)

I'm about to explode. Seriously.

The Last Days

2010-01-28T00:08:00.005+08:00

I know, I know, with the new semester approaching next Tuesday, I should be preparing myself by reading up Econs Unit 2 notes, The UK Economy, Much Ado About Nothing, Othello and my Law notes. Its not like I don't know that its gonna be a heavy semester, I do! But I wanna spend the last few days of this wonderful holiday lazing around, waking up late, and watching TV before college starts. I won't even have time for myself then. Also, my mum has finally succeeded in persuading me to read JRR Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, and that has been occupying most of my time. I've been a huge fan of all the movies since they came out almost 10 years ago now, but my mum has been a fan for a long time, ever since she has read the books even before she married my dad. I tried picking up the book a few years ago I think, but I just didn't have the patience with it. Until recently my mum's been like "Aira! You should read LOTR! You're a Literature student for God's sake! You can't get away with not reading one of the masterpieces of the twentieth century!" And I was like..fine fine, I'll give it a shot. I could get through (and even loved) Pride and Prejudice, I'm sure I can get through this. And my mum's right, I can't be studying Literature without having read LOTR.

So I'm about 1/4 through The Two Towers now, and LOTR is indeed incredible. Since I haven't finished all three books yet, and Tolkien being Tolkien, the depth and magnitude of the story would take another whole post to review. I just hope I can finish all of it by this week so that I won't get distracted when college starts next week.

Okay I have to get back to Rohan now. Gandalf is telling Theoden about the evils of Saruman. I'll write again when I've finished the books!

Hoping all of you are well. Toodles :)

P/S: As I have expected, my post regarding the 'Allah' issue did not receive any comments. Not that I perasan sangat that people actually care to read my blog, but my point is, one of my previous posts where I bitched about a guy who shouted at me received 9 very passionate comments. Enough said. But oh well, I'm sick of the whole Allah issue anyway.

So Small

2010-01-19T12:01:00.006+08:00

My exams are oveerr!! Huhuhuhu! Now I have about 2 weeks left of this holiday before semester 2 starts on the 2nd of February.

I feel so liberated now, I can finally watch TV and download movies without feeling guilty. Haha. But tuning to my favourite channel, CNN, hasn't been so cheerful. I'm talking of course, about the dreadful earthquake in Haiti. Its just so so sad to see all those people dying and fighting for their lives. And what touches me more is all those doctors and volunteers that are there to help. If only I had the money, the time, the opportunity, anything..I would definitely go there and do anything I can to help. I don't understand those who have the resources and everything but just choose to be ignorant about things like these. Just watching all the horrors happening there on CNN makes me realize how insignificant my own life is. Here I am worrying about my exams and whether I'll get into LSE for my degree, when people there are dying by the thousands. People lose their families, homes, friends, everything. And yet they still have the strength to continue living. And here we are in Malaysia making a fuss about who gets to use the word Allah, torching churches and hurling insults at each other because of it. How huge our problems seem to be in comparison to those in Haiti, right? *sighs*

Wake up and smell the coffee, people. There are bigger and more important things in this world besides your own problems. Prayers for all those in Haiti, may God give each and every one of you strength and faith to continue living.

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters, after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big, at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole
While you're sittin round thinking about what you can't change
And worryin' about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count, cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters, after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

- Carrie Underwood, So Small

We Belong to HIM, Not the Other Way Round.

2010-01-06T19:25:00.011+08:00

My two previous posts have been ramblings about my own insignificant life, which makes me a bit guilty since there are more pressing issues going on out there that should be discussed. Though I'm positive the comments I'll receive for this post will be significantly lesser than for those posts about my personal life. That's usually the case, but we'll see if its gonna be different this time.

I'm no expert on religion, and I certainly do not pretend to be. There is plenty more I need to learn and explore about Islam, and I really hope to do so. But recent events that have taken place in this country, I think, does not require a religious expert to comprehend and rationalize. The issue of the court allowing the usage of the word 'Allah' in the Bahasa Melayu version of the Holy Bible has brought out a kind of behaviour among Muslims that is neither logical nor sensible. The group in Facebook that aims to collect one million Muslims to go against the court ruling just baffles me. What baffles me more is that a lot of people I know joined that group.

I am not here to condemn the existence of Facebook groups, though. I am here to express my views on this matter. Actually this outrage by Muslims is not surprising. Not too long ago there was the same outcry over the publication of the Bible in Bahasa Melayu. Which is even more absurd than this issue I think. Are those protesters so deluded as to thinking that Bahasa Melayu belongs to Islam? That other religions are not allowed to use it? I wonder if they know that in Arab-speaking countries, the Bible is published in Arabic, which is the same language in which our Holy Quran is written in. What do they say to that? I don't think there are words that can describe how flabbergasted I am at some people's mentality. The fundamental problem of Muslims in this country is that we seem to think that Malay and Bahasa Melayu and Islam are synonymous. I think it might shock them that not all Arabs are Muslims.

Those who oppose the court ruling also seem to think that the usage of the word Allah in the Bible is some sort of insult and propaganda that the Christians have against the Muslims. I think that these people don't know the difference between an insult and a compliment. I'll tell you what an insult is. An insult is when a Danish cartoonist draws caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as a terrorist. An insult is when a Dutch (was it Dutch? correct me if I'm wrong) member of Parliament makes a video depicting Islam as a religion of violence. An insult is when American soldiers flush the Holy Quran down the toilet bowl, or use its pages as toilet paper. The massacre of Muslims in Gaza and Bosnia are also insults to Islam. But the usage of the word Allah in the Holy Bible, the Holy Book of Christianity, which, like Islam, is an Abrahamic religion (agama Samawi), that is no insult at all. In fact, don't you think that it emphasises the fact that we, Muslims and Christians, are not so different after all? Or is that idea just too disgusting to you?

These protesters also have this idea that the usage of the word Allah in the Bible is somehow a propaganda that is intended to 'confuse' our Ummah, to turn us away from Islam. This is just so embarrassing. Is our faith so weak that it is easily shaken and 'confused'? And besides, if anyone should be confused by this, its the Christians, because its in their Holy Book that the name of Allah is going to be printed. They are the ones who should be complaining about propaganda or confusion. In fact, they are the ones who should feel threatened. Lets say a Muslim managed to obtain a court ruling to replace the word 'Tuhan' to 'Jesus Christ', or something of the sort. I'm sure the reaction would be outrage from the Muslims, and welcome from the Christians. Not the other way round. Get it? The Christians should logically be the ones making a fuss right now, but they are not, instead it is the Muslims who seem to have such little confidence in their own faith, and the faith of their future generations.

Those who went to school in Selangor might remember our state's national anthem, 'Duli Yang Maha Mulia'. You would also remember that the third line of the anthem goes 'Allah Lanjutkan Usia Tuanku'. As far as I know, the citizens of Selangor include non-Muslims as well. And these non-Muslims are supposed to sing the state song together with Muslims during official functions or assemblies. So, if I got it right..they not only have to mention, but even sing the word 'Allah'! Now isn't this blasphemous? Insulting? Won't we get 'confused' by this? And most importantly, shouldn't there be Facebook groups trying to get one million signatures to prevent non-Muslims from singing the Selangor anthem? Its only logical right?

I may not be so articulate in expressing my views. These views do come from my own heart and mind, but they are also the result of reading other people's views as well. I am particularly impressed by views from people like Marina Mahathir, Anas Zubedy and Art Harun. These are opinions and views that are sound, rational and non-racist.

Lastly, I would like to borrow a few words from Marina Mahathir. She mentioned this in an article in The Malaysian Insider today, and I think they're beautiful and makes perfect sense:

"Remember that Allah does not belong to us, but we belong to Him."

I hope those protesters keep this in mind. Allah or Islam is not for any of us to claim the right of control over, its not like Allah is mine or Islam is mine, but rather, we belong to Allah and we belong to Islam.

May God bless us and keep us safe always.

I Am So Jaded.

2010-01-06T00:07:00.004+08:00

Reading my previous post, it may seem like I've been a loner all my life. Its true that right now I don't have a proper circle of friends, girlfriends, homies, gang, clique or whatever it is you call it these days. In college, chances are you'll be seeing me studying, walking and even having my lunch alone. This freaks out some people, I know, because most people can't stand the idea of having lunch alone. I used to not like it too, but one gets used to it. Ever since my days at Petrosains, having lunch alone is a norm for me. And its nothing sad or pathetic. My mom goes to lunch at KLCC alone almost every day. She enjoys her own company. And I guess I've learnt to enjoy my own company too.

My point is, I wasn't always like this. Back then I had a constant circle of friends whom I would go to recess with, whom I would gossip with, whom I laughed and cried with. And then one of them, my bestest friend, moved to another school, and things changed from there. I still had close friends, but it was never the same. Still, I enjoyed my high school life. The first three years more than the last two, but I enjoyed it still. Unlike college, it was a place where I made lasting friendships, friendships that I could believe in.

Between the end of high school until now, I came across several people whom I grew really close to. We used to talk until the wee hours of the morning, and sms every two minutes. At the time, it felt like 'this is gonna last forever'. We were there for each other, always. But life has a habit of snatching things from you without a reason. Suddenly, things just changed. And the worse part was, I can't think of a reason why. Maybe its distance. Or age. Or I just repel people. Or we just simply grew apart. Whatever it is, it hurts. It hurts to think that a person can be everything to you one moment, and a complete stranger the next. What hurts most is that they claim that you're their 'sister' or 'best friend' and they will 'always be there for you' and all that stupid crap.

Therefore I've turned into someone who just cannot and refuses to believe in any kind of relationship outside my family. And yes, friendship included. Those few who have stuck by me and have earned my trust are excluded, of course. You know who you are. But other than that, I don't know how you can just trust a person, when they say they love you, or they'll always be there for u, or they'll look after you no matter what. How can you just believe that? Its only words. I've learnt that hearts change and people change even if their words remain the same.

Ms. Caroline once asked us in Lit class, "How does it feel to be in love?" or something of that kind. I remember answering her, "I don't think I can answer that because at this point in my life, I have never felt any kind of love from anyone except my parents." The class kinda stared at me but Ms. Caroline said "Yeah, that's true." I have loved, which brought devastating effects, yes. But to be loved? Really? That's a huge word. As far as I know, when you love someone, you put them before you, always. You would give up anything for them. You'll be there for them, no matter what. And most importantly, you mean what you say and stick to it until the end of time. Until death do you part. So who else other than my parents would do all those things for me? And how can any random guy just claim they would do all that for me, be that person to me? How can they possibly prove it? Its not possible. Its not possible because he didn't give birth to me, or feed me, or see me grow up. He won't be able to see beyond my physical shortcomings, to see who I am on the inside, as cliche as that sounds. With all that said, maybe I have to take it back when I said that I have loved. Because I don't know if what I felt did justice to the word.

Its unfathomable to me how people can get married to each other. Marriage baffles me. But I am thankful my parents got married or I won't be here right now. As for me getting married someday, I can't picture it. I have issues with trust. I know that.

I'm not trying to mock those who have significant other halves, or those who are in love and plan to get married. I wish them all the happiness in the world. I'm just saying its not for me.

You know people (especially girls) have their own fantasy love story? Like they wish their relationship with their significant other was like Shane West and Mandy Moore in 'A Walk to Remember', or Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts in 'Notting Hill', or Nathan and Haley in 'One Tree Hill', or Romeo and Juliet in 'Romeo and Juliet'. As for me, my fantasy love story is that of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet in Jane Austen's masterpiece, Pride and Prejudice. Before I read the novel, I never thought it was possible to create a love story between a man and woman that did not involve and lust or anything sexual at all. Everything between them was about their minds, and hearts, manners and behaviour. Sure they were both good looking, but that was not the focus of their attraction to each other at all. Its kind of hard to describe here, it may sound really cliche, so you must read the book to understand.

But alas, its just a story. Chances of that happening in real life? To me? Pfffftt.

I know, you might read this and think, "Why is she so jaded? She's only 18, she has her whole life ahead of her". Yeah, in an ideal world, an 18-year old like me should be holding on to the hope that one day her knight in shining armour would come to her on a white horse and whisk her away to be with her forever, and they ride off happily ever after into the setting sun. Trust me, I want to be that girl. But life and people has hardened me. I just do not believe in such things.

Straying off the subject a little, One Tree Hill season 7, despite the absence of my perfect guy Lucas Scott, is actually not that bad. Hard to believe, I know. I think its better than season 6. It has a mystery and storyline to it, and its not too draggy. I like Clay, he's cute. But of course nothing, absolutely nothing can beat the first four seasons when they were still in high school. I can watch those seasons over and over again without getting bored, seriously.

Oh and in this new season, RACHEL GATTINA IS MARRIED TO DAN SCOTT. Which means he is Nathan and Luke's stepmother, and Jamie's grandmother. What the *insert suitable profanities* !!!??? I think this is the most bizarre marriage to come out of OTH so far, even more bizarre than Nate and Haley's high school marriage. Yeah yeah call it sweet or whatever, but getting married in high school, and lasting for like, 6 years now? Pfffftt. Major nonsense. Maybe that's why I prefer Luke to Nathan. I think Nate is a bit unrealistic. When it comes to his marriage with Haley, that is. Or else he's fine.

Well I've rambled on for too long. Someone should knock some sense into me and remind me that my exams start next Monday.

Toodles!

She Lives!

2010-01-01T19:56:00.004+08:00

*blows off dust*

*cough cough sneeze sneeze*

Yes, citizens of the Earth. I'm alive. And blogging.

*scrolls down*

My last post was in...August. So its been like, 4 months since I blogged. Why the extremely long silence you ask? Well...I guess I've just discovered that I'm an extremely private person. Come to think of it, there is not a single person who truly knows what's going on inside of me. I'm not one of those teenagers who have a huge group of friends who will come to her rescue when anything goes wrong. Most of the time, I keep what I feel to myself. Of course, there are one or two people I feel comfortable in confiding in, but even then, I don't tell them everything. I guess I take after my mom when it comes to this particular behaviour, she never had any 'best friends', nor did she ever find the need to confide or be consoled. She never had a boyfriend until she started working. Now that she's married, I think my dad is her only friend, and therefore her best friend. But I guess that's why I admire her so much. Despite all of what I've said above, today she is the most successful, accomplished woman I know, in almost every aspect. Her lack of 'social life' did not prevent her from being the intelligent, wise, knowledgeable person that she is now. I can talk to her about (almost) anything. I guess that's the kind of woman I hope to be someday. Independent, strong-willed, self-reliant and self-trusting.

So the New Year has arrived. As usual, people left, right and centre are coming up with their resolutions. Though I don't really believe in the point of wanting to 'better' yourself only at the beginning of the year, I guess its better than nothing, right? All I know is that in 2009, I learnt to trust myself more. To not need people too much. Though I tend to contradict myself when it comes to this (because everyone knows I do get a bit needy at times), I think I've improved significantly. And that makes me happy. :)

So what will 2010 hold for me? There is a bunch of stuff that I'm quite excited about, so I'll just list them out, shall I?

1. My first A-Level external exam. I know this isn't something that people would normally get excited about, but I'm trying to motivate myself here people! I have only four papers to sit for this January (thank God), and they are Core Mathematics 1 and 2 on the 11th, Economics Unit 1 on the 13th and English Literature Unit 1 on the 18th. Then my second semester commences on the 2nd of February. Naturally, Lit is freaking me out the most, and what makes it worse is that I don't really know how to study for that subject. Let's just hope I don't screw it up because I DO NOT want to re-sit it in June. So fingers crossed :)

2. Nanyang Technological University Model United Nations (NTUMUN) 2010. Yes people, I'm off to Singapore for my first ever international MUN! Its the first international event that I've ever participated in actually, and I'm super excited and ultra nervous at the same time. To those who have no idea what MUN is, you can check it out at the website if you want: http://www.ntudebsoc.org/ntumun2010/. It will also be the first time I'll be travelling anywhere without my parents (though I have my trusted fellow UN Club friends, Shin Hye and resident MUN expert James Yap with me) and I'm definitely ecstatic about it. Huhu. The conference is on the 5th-7th of February, and I've been assigned to the General Assembly as the Delegate of the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan. Its scary, I know, and I can just imagine all those walking breathing CNNs who will be there, but I'm still excited nonetheless :)

3. HELP University College Model United Nations Conference (HELPMUNC) 2010. Hehe I'm gonna use this opportunity to promote HELP's own MUN Conference, which will be held on the 26th - 28th of March. I participated as the Delegate of South Africa for DISEC last year and this year, I'm on the Organizing Committee! Hehe. I'm the Deputy Secretary-General for Conference Services (DSG-CS) and James is already breathing down my neck reminding me of all the shitload of work that I have to do. But I'm not complaining, I applied for the position and I actually discovered that I like organizing events. All thanks to my beloved UN Club :) My college life would be seriously dry without it. So I hope to see tonnes of you as delegates at HELPMUNC 2010!

4. World Cup! OMG how can you not get excited about this? It only comes around once every four years people! And there's nothing like watching young (and in some cases, hot) men give their hearts and souls to a game, in the name of their beloved country and its people. A huge reason why I love watching sports is that sportsmanship, spirit, endurance and dedication these athletes give to honour their respective games, teams and countries. I'm rooting for Spain and Germany, though I will always have a soft spot for Brazil and England. And Kaka. And Fabregas. Hehe. See you guys this summer! Can't wait! :D

5. My second semester at HELP. Gosh, I can't believe I'll be starting my 2nd semester already. One more semester and I'll be done with my A-Levels. But this semester will be a tough one though, since it is comparatively shorter and the workload is getting heavier. I'll have my dreaded Law exams in June, and two of the most difficult units for Econs. Lit isn't gonna be a walk in the park either (as if it ever was, lol), but as least we'll be studying a novel I'm very very familiar with, The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. This is one of my ultimate favourite books ever, and I hope Ms. Sunitha will make studying it even more lovely :D So buckle up Aira, semester two is gonna be one hell of a ride.

6. Oh yeah. I also have to (finally) completely get over a certain someone who has been lingering at the back of my mind for over a year without me realizing it. I have to let it go. Though I have no idea how on earth our relationship can be like how it was before, that's not the point. The point is, he made it final a long time ago. I've gotta stop living in denial or hope or longing or whatever the hell it is. I gotta grow the hell up and be that independent woman I hope to be.

I hope this (kinda) long post makes up for all those months I've been away from blogging. Lol, as if there was anyone who missed my ramblings. Perasan betul. Haha. Anyhow, I wish all of you a blessed, happy and safe 2010!!

p/s: I'll try and blog more this year. Promise. Hehe.

Toodles!

Let Us Mourn

2009-08-28T19:08:00.003+08:00

Let Us Mourn

Smitten

2009-08-22T21:13:00.003+08:00

Those close to me will know that I'm studying Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice for English Literature this semester. And they will also know how much I've been complaining about it, the language is hard, there isn't really a plot to the novel, its boring..etc. I still think so, but watching the movie has somehow opened up my mind a bit about the book.

The movie..I'll just say, it was fantastic. Brilliant. Excellent.

That is a lot to say about a movie that's been adapted from a book, and not just any book here, its from a literary masterpiece. You know how these adaptations always tend to be incompetent, inadequate, and just mediocre compared to the book? Well this movie was certainly anything but, and trust me, I've read the book (I did read the book before watching the movie, thank you very much). It was perfect. It must've been, I mean, how many 'adapted from books' movies can actually make you like the book, which you initially disliked? (Am I making sense here? Hehe. Oh well, I'm sure you know what I mean)

And of course, one cannot watch Pride and Prejudice and not fall in love with literature's most beloved romantic hero, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Now, when I was reading the book, I hated him. He was this grumpy, broody, snobbish, annoying, I'm-better-than-everyone-else person that I just loathed. I have to admit Matthew Macfadyen did play the role well, in the sense that he was that broody grumpy guy in the movie, but unlike the book, the movie made me understand and feel for him. The conflict of his character was portrayed so well, kudos to Macfadyen for that.

And he made me fall in love with him. *Swoons*

Heck, how could you not fall in love with a man at that time? Men in 19th century England were such perfect, perfect gentleman. They treat a lady, like, well, a lady. They even stand up when a woman walks into the room! Sigh. Ms. Sunita is right, there's no such thing as a gentleman anymore nowadays. Its a sad, sad world.

I wanna build a time-machine and go back to 19th century England. Please?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but even if you haven't read the book or you don't plan on reading the book, watch Pride and Prejudice. Watch this movie, and you will not regret it :)

Welcome, Ramadhan

2009-08-21T22:04:00.007+08:00

Firman Allah Ta’ala :

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُتِبَ عَلَيْكُمُ الصِّيَامُ كَمَا كُتِبَ عَلَى الَّذِينَ مِنْ قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

Maksudnya : “ Wahai orang-orang yang beriman telah diwajibkan ke atas kamu berpuasa sebagaimana telah diwajibkan ke atas umat-umat yang sebelum kamu semoga kamu menjadi orang-orang yang bertaqwa ”. (Surah Al-Baqarah Ayat 183)

Selamat Menunaikan Ibadah Puasa

Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan Al-Mubarak

May this Ramadhan:

Be better than the last
Bring out the best in all of us
Inspire us to perform more Ibadah
Instil good values and humbleness in all of us
Bring more berkat and rezeki for all of us
Be celebrated in moderation and humility

Let us not forget our less fortunate Brothers and Sisters around the world.

May Allah's blessings be upon them and all of us always, Insya-Allah :)

Have a blessed Ramadhan!

Inspiration & Jealousy

2009-08-10T23:03:00.008+08:00

Recent developments in our nation has managed to make me sick. Not that I haven't been sick of it before, but it has increased tenfold these days, to the point where I just feel like shielding my eyes everytime my dad brings home the newspaper from his office. And he reads The Star, can you imagine what kind of junk the Malay newspapers have? Urgh. How could they. How could they take advantage of all those people who don't have the privilege of going on the Internet to seek for the truth? How could they keep spreading lies? How could they come up with stuff like the so-called '1Malaysia', and at the same time, be the primary culprits in increasing the racial gap between us? And what's with this talk of banning the Internet? Are we turning into China now? Deprive our people of knowledge and truth? Its crazy!

I know, I know, I'm outdated, but I've just been around YouTube to catch that brilliant Nazi-parody of the infamous MACC case. It was brilliant! Kudos to the genius who came up with that! The timing and subtitles were like, so cun! To those who hasn't seen in yet, you really should, I highly recommend it :)

Have I told you how much I admire this man by the name of Barack Obama? I basically just admire eloquent speakers, and Obama is essentially the eloquent speaker of our time. His victory speech never ever fails to inspire and raise my spirits. I loved it more than his Inauguration speech, though that was good as well. Although, seeing him speak does make me a tad jealous. And sad. It makes me wonder, when will be the day that Malaysia sees somebody like that as our leader? When is it when Malaysia will be a matured, developed nation that can accept change? When will we practice true democracy? When is the time where we can cast our vote, and have it counted for what it is? When will there be hope for our nation? Where is that great man, whose humility, leadership, charisma, intelligence and wisdom, who will lead us to a better future, to greater heights? When will I have that same integrity and patriotism that I see in the eyes of the millions of Americans who was in that crowd the night Obama won the election? When will I be truly proud to be a Malaysian? Will the day come during my lifetime? Or shall I, for as long as I live, be reduced to watching CNN or YouTube videos about how other countries are progressing day by day, how its people's voices are being heard, how leaders act, think and speak with their people's true intentions at heart?

When will I be able to stand tall and say - "I'm Malaysian. I love my country. We practice true democracy, we're corruption-free, we are given freedom of speech, our leaders are answerable to their people, every child is given equal opportunities to receive the best education, our streets are clean, our people have high standards of living, and none, no matter race or religion, is left behind. I am proud to be Malaysian."

If I won't be able to in my lifetime, then please God, let my children live to bear witness to that day.

I'll leave you with this video of Obama's victory speech. Watch it many times if you must, but watch it, so that you will realize how far away our country truly is. How much more we need to progress. Watch it so you'll know that despite how much the Government has indoctrinated into our minds, we are actually nowhere. Watch it so you'll know why we are nowhere. And watch it, so you know what we've been missing all this while, so you know what our "leaders" have deprived us from. This amazing man says it all. And he says it well, too.

The Story So Far

2009-07-19T22:15:00.002+08:00

So. I know it has been a million years since I updated this thing. Tak dapat 'feel' lah. Haha. But then I decided to update anyway just so you guys know I'm still alive. Lol.

Its been 2 weeks since I started my A-Levels at HELP University College. To tell in great detail my whole experience so far would take another whole day, so I'll just sum it up for now; its refreshing. The syllabus, the subjects, the place, the people, the overall atmosphere. Its been nothing but great so far :)

I'm taking 4 subjects: Law, Economics, English Literature and Maths. Yes, Maths. I know. I never ever wanted to take that subject but I kinda have to, for scholarship reasons..you know, 4 subjects are better than 3..Maths is an advantage..bla bla bla. So yeah, I'll be stuck with that wretched subject for the next 1 and a half years of my life. And take note, when I say Maths, I actually mean Add Maths, cuz the whole subject is just like our Form 5 Add Maths, just tougher. I will never understand how those people can handle Further Maths. *shudders in utter horror*

Oh, and as if our workload for A-Levels isn't enough, our beloved Government has to make us take LAN (Lembaga Akreditasi Negara) Subjects, which are generally compulsory subjects that has to be taken by all Malaysian pre-university students. In my case, I'll have to take Islamic Studies (that I can accept), and Malaysian Studies. Yes. Malaysian Studies. I haven't actually started my classes yet, so it technically would be wrong for me to judge how the subject would be, but I'm sorry, it just screams out 'Government Propaganda' to me. Hmmm. We'll see.

I love college. And hopefully, I'll be able to ace all my exams. I need to go to King's College. Insyaallah :)

The Sequel

2009-06-13T23:17:00.003+08:00

HELP University College;

A-Levels

3rd July 2009

Alhamdulillah :)

Rindu Nanti

2009-05-17T22:00:00.008+08:00

Forgive me for the long silence. First of all, I just would like to say that I'm not yet ready to blog about my 'future', you know, where am I gonna continue my studies and stuff. I'll tell when I'm ready, okay :)

I wanna share with all of you a meaningful and lovely quote from my good friend, it goes like this;

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."

-Abang Zul

I think its beautiful. Take some time to ponder over it :)

By the way, I think most of you know that I've been working as a paid volunteer at Petrosains KLCC, right? Well, not for a moment have I ever regretted applying for that job. I've met some amazing people there, and I had the privilege of working amongst adults. And I realized how much we can learn from them. I met some of the best people in my life there and I'll be really sad when I start my studies and won't be able to work regularly anymore.

Rindu sangat dekat Kak Nadia, Kak Erma, Kak Tasha, Kak Narz, Kak Natrah, Kak Yaya, Abang Baem, Jiji, Abang Azriff, Abang Mi and Abang Yazid nanti! Hwaaaa :(

I'm not ashamed to admit that I Sayang Petrosains. And all the people there. Including Stagnos, PB's and kakak cleaners. Semua best-best and sangat cool. Saaaaaaaaaaaaayang all of them :):)

What Malaysians Want

2009-05-07T15:13:00.010+08:00

Today I would like to move away a little bit from my usual rantings about my own life, and instead share with all of you something that is, in my opinion, more important. Something that affects us all and represents everything that we want as citizens of this nation.

Its not originally written by me btw, I think those of you who read the newspapers lately, you would have spotted this full page ad by Anas Zubedy. I think it perfectly represents what I, and many other Malaysians truly want and hope for from the leaders and fellow citizens of Malaysia.

What Malaysians Want: A Social Contract

We want a Social Contract that ...

I) Sees wrong as wrong and right as right, no matter who did it.

II) No individual or community is left behind regardless of race or geography.

III) We work towards zero poverty – it’s superfluous to have skyscrapers and state of the art structures when there are Malaysians who do not have a place to call home.

IV) Recognizes the Malay and indigenous customs form the core culture while the Chinese, Indian and other cultures play strong supportive roles to make our nation a unique and exciting brand.

V) All Malaysian children receive a first rate education, every child is supported and encouraged to achieve his or her maximum potential.

VI) Encourages us to practice sustainable development without corruption.

VII) Allows us learn and appreciate our own religion while at the same time encourages us to understand the religions practiced by our fellow Malaysians.

VIII) We help each other in business and transfer knowledge and skills from one community to another.

IX) Treats non-Malaysians serving in our nation, Bangladeshis or Europeans; with equality, respect and dignity.

X) Does not introduce racism and division to our children at school or at home.

XI) We provide adequate health care for all.

XII) We look at our constitution as a whole and not pick and choose out of context to suit an argument.

XIII) Do unto your Malaysian brothers and sisters as you would like them do unto you.

XIV) Acknowledges that we are Many Colors, but One Race, Bangsa Malaysia.

There's lots more where this came from:

The above is the fourth of the “What Malaysians Want " series advertisements. The previous ones were:

Development Without Corruption: http://letusaddvalue.blogspot.com/2008/12/have-meaningful-xmas.html

A First-Rate Education: http://letusaddvalue.blogspot.com/2009/01/what-malaysian-want.html

Politicians who cooperate and compete to make Malaysia a better place: http://letusaddvalue.blogspot.com/2009/04/have-meaningful-vaisakhi.html

Full credits to Anas Zubedy - http://letusaddvalue.blogspot.com/

To my dearest friends, to those who read my blog, youth of today, take some time to read these articles, read, understand and think about it. I really feel that Anas Zubedy is someone who truly loves his country, because all he wants is the best for all Malaysians, regardless of race, religion, creed or colour. Truly inspiring :):)

Crossroads

2009-05-04T12:44:00.003+08:00

At last, the much-anticipated UPU results are finally out.

And I will be the one of many, many others who will share my results with the world through blogging. Haha.

Alhamdulillah, I got my first choice, Asasi Undang-Undang Universiti Islam Antarabangsa Malaysia :)

I was so happy and relieved they didn't offer me Asasi Sains Hayat UM, which was my last choice. Very very thankful I got my first choice. Tak ramai yang dapat.

I'm actually conflicted now. I still want to go overseas, and since I didn't qualify for the next round of interviews for the SC scholarship (I know, I cried over that already. But I figured, maybe Allah has other plans for me), my only hope is JPA. IF, lets say, I don't get JPA, my mom gave me two options. Either I go to UIA, with no hope of going overseas for my degree, or go to HELP University College for A-Levels, self-funded by her and my dad.

HELP is expensive. Very expensive. But my mom said, if I really want to go, she can afford to pay for it. But I must get a scholarship for degree, because she cannot afford to send me overseas for degree. Kenapa la UM ni bodoh sangat tak accept A-Levels for their Law degree? Accept STPM je. Bodoh tak. That puts me on more pressure, because I thought if I tak dapat scholarship for degree after my A-Levels at HELP, boleh la pegi UM. But noooooo. UM accept STPM jerr. Stupid.

So sambil tunggu results JPA ni (waiting is agony, btw), I'm sending an application to HELP. Please God, let me have that JPA scholarship, please. Send me to a residential college, please. I don't want to burden my parents but I still want to go overseas.

I need you, JPA! Insyaallah dapat. Please. Amiinn :)

Respect

2009-04-29T23:32:00.002+08:00

I don't wanna sound like a feminist or anything, but something that happened to me today prompted me to speak out about this.

Respect towards girls.

To all you boys out there, just, please, BELAJAR MENGALAH SIKIT DENGAN PEREMPUAN BOLEH TAK.

Be the bigger person, in other words, be the gentleman Allah the Almighty created your species to be and don't shout and yell obscenities at a girl, ESPECIALLY when she does not deserve it.

Who the hell do you think you are? Calling a girl 'sayang' one moment, then POOF, you yell at her the next? Ber-aku engkau pulak tu? Terjerit-jerit tak tentu pasal. Gila kot.

And the best part is, I did not deserve any of it. Not a single one of it.

How could you. How DARE you? Never in my life I've been shouted at like that, not by anyone.

I may not have many guys in my life, but those that I do have, are a million times better and more respectful than you are.

You've known me for what, 2 weeks and dah pandai jerit-jerit macam tu.

To all my girlfriends out there, 'these' kinda guys do not deserve a place in your life. WE deserve gentleman who respects us. Who understands us.

Sorry, I rarely use my blog to insult others (other than celebrities, and of course, those emo-angst filled posts from a few weeks ago), but what happened to me today was waaaayy out of line.

I just had to say something.

Geram tu belum hilang lagi. Memang takkan hilang kot.

Tagged By Fifi

2009-04-26T21:01:00.005+08:00

Three Things That I Love :
1. Books
2. Literature
3. Petrosains

Three People Who Make Me Laugh :
1. Dan (rindu kat dia)
2. My Dad
3. Simon Cowell

Three Things I Hate :
1. People misspelling my name.
2. People asking me why I'm not planning to do medic.
3. Drama Melayu.

Three Things I Don't Understand :
1. Why people seem to hate Matt Giraud. I think he's great.
2. Why is the economic crisis affecting Petronas.
3. Why everyone in Petrosains thinks I look older than my age.

Three Things I'm Doing Right Now :
1. Doing this thing. Like, duhh.
2. Chatting with Ili on Facebook.
3. Teaching my bro some complicated Maths problem. Actually its not complicated. My brain's just got rusty due to lack of use.

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Meet the guy of my dreams, fall in love with him, get married and have wonderful kids.
2. Beribadat sebanyak yang mungkin.
3. Achieve my goals and make my parents proud.

Three Things I Can Do :
1. Buat Safety Briefing for group visits dekat Lobby. Bangga owh. :)
2. Read Harry Potter and Dan Brown's books over and over again.
3. Wear a tudung properly when I have to.

Three ways To Describe My Personality :
1. Ambitious
2. Over-analyzer
3. Thrifty

Three Things I Can't Do :
1. Play sports. I mean, any kind of sport. At all. I'm hopeless when it comes to sports.
2. Play any type of musical instrument. I really wish I could though.
3. Look at videos of myself.

People to tag:
1. Belle
2. Sarah
3. Wanee

Hot Stuff

2009-04-23T21:48:00.008+08:00

Look! Its the Jonas Brothers' new album cover! Its super GORGEOUS! I can't wait! :):)

Okay, calm down now. Its coming out laaame lagi, June 15th. Dahla they're not including Malaysia in their World Tour. Now I feel even more resentment at being born in this country. Hmmph.

As for my SC "assessment" that day, it turned out to be one of those case study things, where they give you each a situation, then provide you half an hour to brainstorm, then you go into the panel of interviewers alone and present it for about 10 minutes. After all of us were done, (there were seven people in my group), we moved to the meeting room, and were given 40 minutes to discuss with our group members about the case given to us. We were then required to give a conclusion and solution to the problem. The panel was not bad, they didn't say anything at all actually, they just observed and reminded us how much time we had left. All in all, I can just say that I think I did my best, but I don't know if its enough since everyone in my group was good. And these SC scholarships are really limited too. So..fingers crossed, all I can do is pray.

And now I know that breaking someone's heart is not easy. Especially if you don't actually dislike that person. You love that person's company, he/she is a good friend, he/she is caring and makes you laugh. But life is cruel. When you love someone, with all your heart, sometimes they just don't love you back the way you want them to.

I should know.

That's why it was so hard for me to do it. But I had to, or I would risk hurting him even more.

And you know I'm not good with risks. I'd rather play safe. Matters of the heart is not worth any risk. None at all.

I'm sorry.

You deserve so much better. You are an amazing person and anyone would be so lucky to get someone like you. You will find that person. Or rather, that person will find you.

Assessment, What?

2009-04-20T14:20:00.004+08:00

So.

The SC called on Saturday saying that I've been shortlisted from the interview the other day and I've been asked to come again this Wednesday, the 22nd, for an "assessment".

Its great news, but what the hell does "assessment" mean? Is it some scary exam? An IQ test? Another interview? They wouldn't tell me, too. They just said "dress well, be there by 8.30". Boleh tak.

That being said, I know that I really want this. I hope everything goes well. :)

Unfortunately, there are also other things on my mind besides this assessment thingy. And I have to say its more complicated. Waaayy more complicated. I don't know what to do. I really don't. Hmmm.

On another matter, it really is starting to piss me off when people stare at me as if I've just landed from Mars when I tell them I plan on doing Law. They'll go "Tapi mak kan doctor, rugi laa kalau awak ambik Law", or "Orang pandai macam awak nak ambik Law?? Ambiklah benda lain.."

What the hell is that about? Does that mean that Law is only for stupid people? Or just because my mom is a doctor, its like confirmed in my DNA that I will follow in her footsteps? Oh, wake up Malaysians. Medicine is not the only career path available. Besides, believe it or not, my mom is glad that I'm not joining the stampede of people wanting to take medic in this country. She's glad that I know what I want and not merely following the herd.

No offense to those taking medic, I'm just frustrated at the mentality of some Malaysians. Don't they know that in truly developed countries like America, you can take up any course (and in some cases, multiple courses) in university that you like and still make a career out of it. There are people there who specialize in Glaciology, Astrophysics, Cultural Anthropology, Entomology, and heck, even Tolkienology. If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, Google it. Or look it up in Wikipedia. Open up your minds. Believe it or not, there is a world out there.

That is the mark of a truly developed nation. A land of opportunity. A land where its people can pursue their dreams yet still earn a decent living for themselves. A land where the taxpayers' money is spent in the right way, for the well-being of the people, and for the eternal quest for knowledge and progress.

You're still very far off, Malaysia. I'm just sorry.

Just A Thought

2009-04-13T15:25:00.005+08:00

"If you're always looking for reasons not to be with somebody, then you'll always find them, but at some point maybe you should let go and give your heart what it deserves."

-Lucas Eugene Scott

Oh Luke, how I wish it was that simple.

Thankful

2009-04-10T21:11:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah :):):)

I just received a call from the Securities Commission just now saying that I have been shortlisted for their scholarship award! Which means I have to go for their interview next Tuesday, the 14th. I almost couldn't believe it, I almost lost all hope of being shortlisted since they contacted me after about 2 weeks upon receiving my application. I really thought I didn't get it. But God is great. And I'm really happy.

But scared at the same time. Since I didn't do really well for my JPA interview. This SC interview should be harder since its individual (yikes!), they have higher standards, their scholarships are limited, and they are an actual company, thus I should have a sound knowledge on their company background, what they do, their vision and mission..you get the picture. And its not easy understanding all that either, since they're basically a corporate financial company, most of the stuff on their website is financial jargon that I don't really get. Oh great. Woopee. I hope I find something decent to wear too.

Please please please I really want this scholarship because its a guarantee that I will get into KYUEM and to the UK. Lets not think of being bonded to them right now. I just want to get into KYUEM. I need this. Try not to mess this up Aira, please? :)

Healing Wound. I Hope.

2009-03-29T20:48:00.015+08:00

Okay, I know my three previous posts has been, dark, moody, angry, and downright depressing. But I'm glad to say that (for today, at least), I'm feeling a bit better. Hooray!

Blogging about my broken heart has kept me from updating all of you (ceehh..macam ade orang teringin nak tau je) about the latest going-on's in my life (apart from all the depressing stuff).

So here goes.

I went to Sydney two weeks ago (the 20th), and came back on Thursday. It was my second time there, but it was still awesome. We stayed in this gorgeous apartment on the 42nd floor, which is crazy, I know, and since I'm afraid of heights, it did freak me out (a little) at first, but then I realized that it wasn't that scary after all (maybe that was due to the fact that for safety purposes, the management locked the sliding door to the balcony and didn't allow guests to open them on any occasion). The view of the sunrise and sunset everyday was breathtaking, and it was cool to be able to see planes flying outside your window without having to look up. Haha. Oooohh and I got this gorgeous turquoise blue sequined bag at The Rocks bazaar for only 25 Australian Dollars! Its the kind of ethnic-looking bag that you usually see in Khazanah, which I have wanted for ages, but couldn't get one here because it was so expensive. And I got it in Sydney for approximately RM 50! How awesome is that? Oooh and I also got this really nice long gray cardigan, the kind that you only find in Topshop here in Malaysia, and it costs about RM 129, for only 29.95 AUD! What can I say? I love Australia. Huhu :):)

And now to the biggest show on Earth..American Idol. I have been a religious follower of this show ever since it was shown in Malaysia way back in 2003 I think, and every single year, there's always one person that captures my heart right from the beginning, that one contestant whom I see and straight away go like "he/she is DEFINITELY gonna win this season!". So of course, this year, that lucky contestant is...you guessed it, the much-talked about Adam Lambert. And who can blame people for taking about him? He's frickin' AWESOME! In my opinion, he is by far the best contestant ever to grace the Idol stage. The energy and presence he brings to the stage every week is that of a seasoned performer! I really wonder why he hasn't been snatched up by a prominent recording company and gone on tour around the world or something. He has the whole package to make it in the industry today. The looks, the voice, the energy, the presence, everything. And he's exciting too! Every week he comes up with something different to surprise the judges and audience. Did you see how he completely transformed his broody emo look into an Elvis-inspired, hair slicked-back, more subdued style? He even got rid of his eyeliner and nail polish! And how he sang 'Tracks of My Tears' with not only perfect pitch (as usual), but with such heart, soul and grace? At that moment I was like "Hah! Padan muka sape yang ingat die boleh nyanyi lagu rock rock jer!". Lol. He can sing anything. Seriously. This guy deserves to win the title! He's even better than David Cook last year. And he won. So go figure. Simon Cowell predicted that Adam would be in the final this year (together with Danny, whom I like too) and Simon's usually right. Though I disagree with his prediction that Lil' Rounds will complete the top three, since I think Allison Iraheta is better. And she's only 16, younger than I am! America is a weird country. Haha. Anyways, Adam Lambert is definitely my craze on AI this year. Last year it was David Archuleta, hehe (who is coming to our shores soon! does anyone know how to get tickets??)

I have my JPA interview this Friday. Wish me luck! I really hope I get it, since I'm not so confident on getting the Securities Commission and Bank Negara scholarships, since they have such high standards, and my SPM results are probably just mediocre to them. Haha. I reeeaallyy hope I get it :)

I want to recover from this. I want to get better, be a better person, to myself, to him, and to everyone. I want to believe in love and happiness again. That's not too much to ask for, right? Please?

p/s: OMG I can't wait!!!!

Hate is a Strong Word. Because its a Strong Feeling.

2009-03-27T21:08:00.002+08:00

I've come to a point where I've started to hate. I sat in the plane on the way home from Sydney, thinking about everything, from the first time I spoke to him, how close we became after that, and of course, all the emotional trauma and heartbreak I went through. And suddenly I felt this hate inside me.

I hate him for making me go through sleepless, tear-filled nights and waking up with swollen eyes.

I hate him for making me feel unimportant, insignificant, left-out, unneeded, unwanted, not-good-enough and inadequate.

I hate him for lowering down my self-esteem.

I hate him for scarring me so bad to the point that it is impossible for me to trust and let in another guy into my heart ever again.

I hate him for making me a cynic and sceptic when it comes to love.

I hate him for leaving me out.

I hate him for leading me on. Fo being so extremely nice to me, and then breaking my heart.

I hate him for loving her.

I hate his so-called "I still care about you cuz you're my best friend" thing. I hate it. If you mean it, then show it. Include me in your life.

But I guess, most of all, I hate the thought of him going through his everyday life, not being able to feel the same way about me, ever.

I hate him. I want him out of my life. I've had enough. Waayy more than enough. Good riddance.

Goodbye

2009-03-18T22:37:00.003+08:00

Let it go. Let him go. Be at peace with it. Because there's nothing you can do about it.

You have so many other things going on for you. You don't need him. He is nothing. Just tell yourself that over and over and you'll make it through. He is nothing and you don't need him.

Not being able to say goodbye to him is a good thing.

Just let it be.

Because that's how life is.

You'll make it through, Aira. You'll make it through on your own. Just don't forget to put on your face when you get out, okay?

You'll be fine. It will be over. It will be.

Goodbye.

The Pain

2009-02-27T11:11:00.002+08:00

I haven't blogged for a really long time, not because I have nothing to tell..its just..I have too much to tell. Too much that I just couldn't describe. But then, at times all of it overwhelmes me and I just needed to let it all out. And so I thought that this is the best place to do it.

The tears came trickling down again last night.

Ever since that day, I have tried my very best to be one of those strong i-don't-need-a-man-to-survive kinda girls, and sometimes it does work, but a picture on Facebook that I saw just caused it all to come crashing down again.

I guess the most painful thing is..just wondering, does he miss me too? Maybe not as much as I miss him, obviously, but maybe just a tiny bit? If only he knew how much I miss him every single day. How I miss all the late night phone calls, the sms-es. If only he knew how hearing his voice on the phone can just make me feel like, I had someone. If only he knew how much his company meant to me, how much I looked forward to see him everytime we went out. If only he knew how everytime I scroll down my phonebook, my fingers would just go down to his name, sometimes just to stare at it, just to stare at the piece of evidence that he was, a huge part of my life. Then again, he still is. Sometimes I have to fight this powerful urge to text him, just to ask if he's okay.

And the next most painful thing is..that feeling, that feeling that I'm not good enough for him. I read something in Ainaa's blog that was really meaningful. It was something like, how is it possible that when you see a person you love, you don't see flaws. You just see everything that's wonderful in him, and you always try your best to find the good in him. But he doesn't see you in that way. Human emotions are a funny thing. I know that you shouldn't let a guy dictate how you think about yourself. That's very true. But then, he's the best and most perfect guy I know. I just feel so..inadequate, so..not good enough. I mean, there must be something in me that's missing, right? Since he's in love with her instead of me.

The wound just feels so..raw.

I just can't help but wonder. Does he think of me at all? We used to talk almost everyday. Does he feel a difference now? Maybe not. He looks happy with the others. But then again, why shouldn't he be? I'm the one with the broken heart, not him. Get that in your head, Aira. Probably all those times we talked on the phone, he was doing it because he felt sorry for me.

Because the difference is, he knows that I have feelings for him.

Even everything that I've typed hasn't completely covered every single emotion I've been feeling. Its just too hard to put in words. But basically, that's it. That's how it all feels.

When is it all gonna end? When? This pain I feel in my heart, when will it start to heal? I sure as hell hope it won't take years or something. Oh God.

I know that it was me who told him, we should stay away from each other for a while if you really want me to move on. I said it, and its probably good for me too. But it doesn't mean its not painful. It doesn't mean that there's no part of my heart that holds on to a shred of hope that maybe, he would just text me to ask if I'm okay. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to see him happy with the others, it doesn't mean that no part of me feels left out from his life.

Because all that was what made my tears fall last night. I'm pathetic, I know.

Get on with it Aira, you were the one who decided that you and him should stay away. You! Not him! It doesn't make a difference to him. He can still get on with his life as normally as if nothing has happened. He's fine. Definitely a lot more fine than you are. Its your own fault you're not talking to him or seeing him anymore. Not his fault, and definitely not your friends' fault.

You were the one who opened your heart to him. You were the one who fell in love with someone who doesn't give a damn about your existence. Its YOUR fault.

Do not let anyone near your heart again. Because if they can come near it, they sure as hell can break it.

Sometimes people put up walls around their heart not because they don't wanna let anyone in. But because they wanna see who cares enough to break those walls down.

He won't be one of those people. He's in love with someone else. And there's absolutely nothing that you can do about it.

He's not the one hurting. He's not the one crying. He's not the one who wakes up with swollen eyes in the morning. You are.

Its not like I wish all this pain upon him, hell no, its just...if only he knew.

But then again, even if he knew, what can he do about it? He'd probably think I'm extremely stupid and pathetic. And rightly so too.

Argh, its too much. Just. Too. Much.

"Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return."

OBSSESION

2009-02-06T15:46:00.008+08:00

Look! I made it all by myself! Huhu. But its a pity this blogspot shrinks the picture, its actually really big and nice and its my desktop wallpaper. Huhu. Thanks to my brother who downloaded this photo-editting software thingy. My OTH mania has returned, since my best friend Belle has FINALLY seen sense and tried watching OTH herself, and guess what, she loves it! At last, someone I can talk about OTH to! She currently has the 3rd season dvd with her which I badly want to see, a big reason being because I think that Lucas looked his best during that season. No words can describe how perfect he is, rescuing Peyton during the school shooting and everything, huhuhu. Oh and season 3, I think, has the best episode ever in OTH, yes, that school shooting episode. Brilliantly shot and scripted, it was an episode that truly depicts the harshness of American high school life and how all of them had to pay the price for their own behaviour in the end. And of course, it was also the episode of the senseless murder of Keith Scott in the hands of his own a**hole of a brother, Dan Scott. No wonder that episode is the highest rated among all OTH episodes so far.

I also just read some good and bad news regarding OTH at this Chad Michael Murray fansite. The good news is, the CW has granted permission for OTH to return for its 7th season. But here's the bad news. The REALLY bad news. It says that Chad won't be returning!! *huge gasp*. When I read it I was like "whaaaddaaafaaaaaakk?!?!" How can you have OTH without its main title character?? Hello! Lucas is the main character in OTH, even main-er than Nathan! You might as well cancel the show altogether! End it at season 6! I mean, if Lucas is gone, who's gonna deliver all those beautiful voiceovers and quotes at the beginning and end of each episode?? That's his trademark! Apparently it says there that Chad wants to leave OTH to pursue other things and do movies. Cmon Chad, can't you do movies and OTH at the same time? OTH was the show that made you! It made you into a beloved star! You can't leave the show! I REFUSE to believe it!

*takes a deep breath*

Its NOT true. It can't be. Because if it is, I might just DIE of grief. My beloved show in the entire universe would be dead without my favourite character. No. No. Its not true Aira. Its okay. Just breathe. Breathe!

A Whole Lot of Issues

2009-01-15T12:39:00.009+08:00

Its been 2 weeks since my last post, the long absence is due to reasons I will explain later in this post.

Firstly, I don't think that there is an excuse for someone with a blog nowadays to not speak out about the ongoing war in Gaza. Sometimes I just don't wanna look at the headlines anymore, not because I don't care, but because everytime I see those horrible images of the innocent women and children being killed senselessly, tears well up in my eyes. A mixture of pity, grief, hopelessness and guilt engulfs me. Guilt because I feel so bad living in this peaceful country amidst all these luxuries and the prospect of a bright future ahead of me when my brothers and sisters over there are becoming victims of genocide (you can say what you want, its genocide alright). It also sickens me that the so-called "leaders" of these nations are meeting in perhaps a comfortable, air-conditioned room in Cairo to "discuss" about the war and hopefully come up with an understanding to push for ceasefire while in the meantime, innocent women and children are still being killed every second. While the protests and demonstrations going on around the world is admirable, it still doesn't stop the killing. I know that a show of protest is at least something, but just think about this for a second. If it was your wife and child being killed at this very moment by merciless murderers, and you have nothing but rocks and stones to defend yourself, how would you feel if all the rest of the world can do is hold up a couple of banners, shout insults at your enemy and at the most, burn down the Jewish flag? I don't know about you, but if it were me, I would be pissed. Really pissed.

Amidst all this horrors, I can't help but be proud of one individual. One amazing, selfless and brave individual who makes me proud to be of the female gender, and to a certain extent, proud to be a Malaysian. She has always been there where help is needed, be it during the 2004 tsunami, the Iraq War, and now, in Gaza. I agree wholeheartedly with Yasmin Ahmad, that she is the greatest Malaysian to have ever walked on the soil of this country. Dato' Dr. Jemilah Mahmood is an inspiration to us all, and she should be made a role model for all Malaysians. Frankly, I don't think enough credit is being given to her. Instead of worshipping someone like her, we Malaysians prefer to idolize people who don't deserve to be idolized, a clear example being one champion of an extremely lame reality show, whose recent extravagant wedding reception I consider very sinful during these tumultuous times. I also fully agree with her statement in The Star recently, she said that "all world leaders should be held accountable for everything that is happening in Gaza". She also said that the world leaders have failed the people of Gaza. This is extremely true, for we have not seen any immediate action taken by them to end the war. I quote a line from the movie Troy, "War is old men talking and young men dying". Dato' Dr. Jemilah deserves to be the first Malaysian to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

To me, the best thing that we onlookers of this war can do is pray. It doesn't matter what race or religion you believe in, just pray. Because in the end, we all know that God is the highest power and only He can put a complete stop to all this. All of us cannot be gifted with the courage that Dr. Jemilah has, so the best that we can do is pray and have faith in a higher power, have faith that hopefully He will show us the way to end this madness.

Though it spoils the mood of this post a bit, I said earlier on that I would explain my long absence from the blogging world. Well, it is due to Petrosains. I believe I did mention in one of my previous posts that I sent in the application form to be a volunteer there, and guess what? I got it! I had to go for an interview, of course (which required me to sing, unfortunately for those people who had to listen), and I just completed my 5 day orientation programme last week. So I'm due to start my On Job Training (OJT) next Tuesday. Only after that I will get my uniform and officially start work. To those still curious, its only called "volunteer" work. We do get a salary, or an "honororiam", as they prefer to call it at Petrosains. So all that has been keeping me busy lately, therefore I didn't have the time (or mood) to blog.

On another subject, I love Nigella Lawson. I love watching all her cooking shows! She not only looks gorgeous, her cooking is mouth-watering (literally, my mouth waters while watching her cook). She and Jamie Oliver are my favourite celebrity chefs, though I watch Jamie-O more for his interesting personality rather than his cooking skills, haha. But some of his cooking is good, I must say. I think Nigella deserves the title of "The Domestic Goddess", her skills are divine! Oh and I LOVE her cooking utensils too, they're so beautiful! Hehe. I love all her recipes, from the meals to the desserts (especially the desserts!). Maaann, I wish I could cook like her. Haha, dream on Aira. Nak tolong mummy masak petang-petang pun malas.

One event I'm currently looking forward to is Barack Obama's Inauguration Day next week. Bush has been around for way to long. America and the rest of the world is in a desperate need of change. I can't wait for his Inauguration not only because I admire him, but also bacause I am eager to see what action is he going to take regarding the war in Gaza. Not to say that I am expecting anything much, actually. He is still first and foremost, an American. I just hope against hope that he will at least not show such open support for Israel like Bush did, that at least he would show some sensitivity and sympathy for the victims. Or else he is just going to let our hopes down. Hope and Change that he himself promised America and the rest of the world during his long campaign. Please, don't let us down, Mr. Obama.

Before I end this post, just a reminder to myself and anyone else who cares to read this blog: Please don't forget to pray for the war victims in Gaza. Prayer and faith, the only weapons we have against such deadly, cruel and merciless enemies.

Hopes and Reflections

2009-01-02T10:58:00.013+08:00

Its my first official post for 2009! I know its very late, but I just would like to wish everyone;

Happy New Year!

May 2009 bring you happiness, health, peace and success, and may God's graces be with all of you always!

Honestly, I can't believe its 2009 already. The year I would get my SPM results, the year I would start college, and the year I would (finally) turn 18. The age where I (supposedly) become legal. I know this sounds cliche and probably every other blog post in the world is saying this too, but it seems like only yesterday I became a fifth-former, like yesterday I became a Malay debater and like yesterday I took my SPM. Frankly, I can't wait to get my SPM results. So many months of anxiety and uncertainty is killing me. Mostly because I already have this vision in my head. This vision where everything goes according to (my) plan. I get my SPM results (this I am not brave enough to predict), I apply for scholarship (and in my "vision", I get the scholarship, of course), I go do my A-Levels at KYUEM, I pass A-Levels with flying colours, I do my Law degree in the UK (preferably King's College, Oxford is just too far off, even for my perfect vision). Its too perfect, right? That's why I can't wait to get my results, so that I am able to know whether all this planning and dreams that I have for myself can be realized or not. All this months of planning it in my head is starting to get more torturous than exciting.

I will not do a complete flashback on my uneventful life in 2008, mostly because I'm too lazy to do it, but I must say that 2008 certainly had its highlights (considering I just said I lived an "uneventful" life, I'm not very sure whether you would buy it when I say "highlights", but oh well). So here goes, my 2008 highlights:

1. Topping the list, without a doubt, is the IIUM Interschool Debating Championship. Who knew, who on earth would expect that a bunch of inexperienced debaters (Ainaa and I were first-timers), with little and last-minute preparation, could end up 8th out of 84 schools, becoming the one and only Sekolah Harian to ever break into the top 8, beat RMC at the octo-finals, and meet MCKK at the quarter-finals? Certainly not me. IIUM was a priceless experience for me, and it was the first time in my life that I shed tears of joy.

2. Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia, a.k.a. SPM. Now I know you would think I'm insane for considering this as a "highlight" of my year, and you may think that I must live a really sad life to include SPM in my "highlight" list, but to me, yes, no matter how horrible it was, I do consider SPM as a highlight of my year. I always looked at SPM as the summation of 17 years of my life. Its like, after 17 years of living on this planet, this is it, the destination has arrived. The reason for 11 years of going to school and studying..the ticket to my next destination in life. Some papers were better than the others, and mostly I just don't dare to predict anything about my results because there were some papers which I knew I messed up. But the journey towards SPM is what I do remember for now. All the intense preparation, all the last-minute studying, how Cikgu Taufik, Mr. Jesu and Cikgu Amir prepared me to face Chemistry, Add Maths, Physics and Sejarah as if I'm going to war, and the tears I shed while saying thank you to all my teachers. I'll never forget Cikgu Taufik's words to me on the night before SPM:

"My dear students, achievement is not measured by how much you get, but how much you sacrifice to get what you want. Hard work without doa is meaningless and doa without hard work is like throwing yourself in fire. Good luck!"

And some of Cikgu Amir's words:

"Semoga Allah memberkati semua usaha Aira itu.."

SPM also made me realize that teachers are truly amazing, selfless, inspiring people. How they can sacrifice their own time for the benefit of their students never fails to impress me. And its beyond me how they can cope with the pressure of educating a whole generation of students to become someone they and their families can be proud of. And because of all that, I include SPM as one of my highlights for 2008.

3. My Egypt holiday! Need I say more? Read my last post. Haha. I miss the place so bad!

Well that's all. I told you I live an uneventful life. Haha. Oh yeah, I really hope the Jonas Brothers include Malaysia in their 2009 World Tour!! Please please please, I wanna go to their concert so so bad!

Have a great year everyone! :)

Escape

2008-12-31T12:13:00.005+08:00

Hello, just returned from vacation last Saturday, the 27th. Sorry it took so long to update, I just didn't have the mood to blog lately, just got it back today.

So how was Egypt you ask? One word: AWESOME. I think many would be surprised to know that Egypt has 4 seasons therefore its winter there now and let me tell you, it was COLD! There was one day where it rained (it only rains 3 times a year there), and it was FREEZING on that day. Seriously. So enough about the weather. I was there for about 9 days and it was still not enough to see everything. The country's famous history and civilization never failed to take my breath away. I couldn't believe my eyes when I first saw the Great Pyramids at Giza, the Seventh Wonder of the Ancient World. Those structures were HUGE! Each stone that was used to build the pyramid was really big and they weighed several tonnes. The stones were not even from around Giza, they came from Aswan which is several hours away! Can you imagine how the ancient Egyptians transported those huge blocks of stone in 5000 B.C.? Its beyond imagination, I know. Oh oh and I went INSIDE a pyramid! It was quite an experience since the tunnel was really small and narrow, so you had to duck really low and it was sloping downwards. It was quite a long way down too, several metres I think. And there was only one way to go in and out, so we had to stop halfway several times to allow people to go back out. The inside of the pyramid was just basically a rectangular-ish room which used to house the Pharaoh's sarcophagus and such, but its empty now since it has all been brought to the museum. It was really hot down there by the way. All in all, it was an amazing experience, and quite an exercise too! :)

The Egyptian Museum was also breathtaking. You wouldn't believe the amount of artifacts there are in there! We didn't even get to see all of them since we followed a tour group and the time was quite limited, but I got to see all the highlights; namely the famous King Tutankhamun's treasures (he was buried with over 20kg of gold!), and I even went into the Royal Mummies Hall! I couldn't believe that I actually laid my eyes on the mummies of the famous Queen Hatshepsut (we learned about her in History, remember?) and of course, King Ramses II, probably the most famous Pharaoh of all, the Pharaoh of Nabi Musa A.S. The Pharaoh of Moses! Can you believe it?? He was perfectly preserved too, some of the female mummies even had their hair intact! Truly, truly amazing. I think it would take like, 2 days to fully see and appreciate everything in the museum.

Probably the best part of the whole trip was the Nile Boat Cruise. I had my doubts initially, sorry to say, especially about the cleanliness of the Nile River, since I spent my whole life in a country where clean rivers simply don't exist, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the Nile is CLEAN. Evidence? The water was blue, not the typical teh-tarik colour. There definitely wasn't any rubbish in it, no rubbish on the banks, either. And since its the longest river in the world, it made me wonder, if the Egyptians can take good care of it, why can't we do the same for our rivers? They are extremely proud of their beloved Nile, and rightly so, too. The Boat was so much fun! The room was small, but sweet. The best part was the deck, we would just sit there all day and look at the breathtaking view. There was this ping-pong table to occupy ourselves with, and even a little swimming pool. It was really windy up there and they would serve tea everyday at 4pm. The Boat would stop everyday at several attractions such as Karnak Temple, Hatshepsut Temple and Kom Ombo Temple (where we saw the sunset, which was so beautiful), along the banks of Luxor. We had a guide along the way named Abang Hosny and let me tell you, his knowledge of Ancient Egypt is so vast! He's like a walking Ancient Egyptian Encyclopedia! It was fascinating to hear his explanations about the Pharaohs and Gods and architecture of Ancient Egypt. Its mind-boggling how he can memorize all those stuff. The temples were brilliant too btw, the pillars, columns and obelisks simply amazing. To think that they could build such structures thousands of years ago (which always makes me wonder, where was Malaysia during that time period? My mum said probably a few prehistoric animals existed here, or maybe those Manusia Zaman Paleolitik, hahaha).

Oh yes I almost forgot, the biggest attraction in Egypt after the Pyramids, the Valley of the Kings. The view of the Valley itself was wonderful, the limestone hills and sand dunes looked beautiful. We went into 3 tombs, Ramses the Ninth, Thirteenth and Seventh (I think), and need I say it again? It was awesome of course! Their tombs were huge! And the most amazing part was, all the drawings and hieroglyphics on the walls were still intact, colour and all! As you walk in through the tunnel, you could see to your left and right and also up (yes, they painted the ceiling too, eat your heart out Michelangelo), these intricate drawings and carvings of the Pharaoh's journey in the afterlife. I'll remind you again, the colour was still there, bright as ever, after thousands of years. As you entered the main chamber, you'll see the sarcophagus that used to house the Pharaoh's mummy, and of course, more full-coloured drawings on the wall. My mum, brother and I entered the most famous tomb of all, KV 62, King Tutankhamun's tomb, where his mummy and golden coffin still lies. His burial chamber actually pales in comparison to those of the Ramses', it was quite small and there were not much drawings on the walls. But what made him so famous were the amount of treasure that they found together with his mummy. You see, the earlier tombs were mostly already ransacked by the time the archaelogists found them, mostly by tomb robbers who robbed the tombs of their treasures. But King Tut's tomb was somehow overlooked, therefore he was discovered together with all his treasures still intact. So can you imagine the amount of treasure that the bigger tombs would have contained had they not been robbed? And again, I could not believe it when I laid eyes on King Tut's famous golden coffin, which has now become a symbol of Ancient Egypt. It was quite beautiful actually, very detailed and intricate. And King Tut's mummy! He was really small, since he became King at age 9 or 10, and he was also buried hastily, hence his body wasn't as well preserved as the others. Still amazing, nonetheless.

I also visited the Nubian village, located on one of the several Elephantine Islands around the Nile River. The Nubians are a people closely related to the Sudan people, since they live close to the Sudanese border, they look more African than Egyptian, and even have their own language, food and customs. Their mud houses were so cute, they were painted in nice bright colours, and everyone there was nice and hospitable. We went there by Fellucca, this sort of sailboat which was quite scary actually, haha. It was overall a fun experience, learning about new people and their customs.

Our last day was spent in Cairo (we went back to Cairo from Aswan by sleeping train, which was best gila jugak), learning more about its Islamic history. We visited several mosques, such as Ali Pasha (the first King of modern Egypt) Mosque, Al-Azhar Mosque and Imam Syafie Mosque, where we saw and prayed at his tomb. It was quite a feeling, being there in the presence of your Imam, whose Mazhab and hukums you have been following all your life. We then went to the famous Khan El-Khalili bazaar. It was really big, you can get lost in there! They sold mostly authenthic Egyptian stuff, but sadly I couldn't really enjoy it since I had an upset stomach at the time, hehe. It was on that day when it was freezing cold.

A big part in what made the trip so great was the people too. Since it was my first time following a tour group, I really didn't know what to expect, but I certainly did not expect to get close to most of them! Our Malaysian tour leader, Kak Maria, was so sweet, we shared a cabin in the train and she's really a cool person. Kak Ina and her brother Amir were also nice, so was Nurul from Singapore. And..our Egyptian tour leader over there, Abang Sherif, was also very sweet and we actually owe it to him for bringing us together (ehem, for further reference on this matter, please take a look at my pictures in Facebook and MySpace, hehe). Abang Sherif, as well as our tour guides Abang Hosny and Abang Wahyu took good care of us and made us all feel welcome. Oh and the party on the boat! It was so much fun! The games..and the dancing..hehe I can't believe I actually danced. Hehe. Best gila.

After everything I saw in Egypt, I realized that if an Egyptian should come to Malaysia, I would have no idea where to bring them to. Observe this conversation we had:

My mum: "Sherif, you must be very proud of being Egyptian, your history is amazing."

Abang Sherif: "Yes, of course I am proud!" (smiles proudly)

Me: "Malaysia is nothing compared to Egypt, we only have, what, 600 years of recorded history? You guys go back thousands of years!"

Abang Sherif: "Yes, thousands.." (smiles proudly again)

And Cairo of course has its flaws, but I always believe at looking at the positive side of things. Like I said previously, Malaysia can really learn from the Egyptians how they maintain the cleanliness of the Nile despite it being such a major tourist attraction (you would think it would be filthy right, considering so many cruise boats and felluccas full of tourists pass through it everyday). And all of Egypt's tourist sites are really well taken care of, and the tickets to each place is also uniform, which means they take a lot of pride in giving the best to their tourists. The way Abang Hosny guided us through the tour was also a clear indication on how proud they are of their majestic history and how they work hard to preserve it.

My previous blog post was kinda depressing, I know, and it was posted just before I went to Egypt. But Egypt made me forget about everything I said in my last blog post. I forgot for a while about whatever that was making me sad here in Malaysia, so I guess it was a sign that I truly enjoyed myself. And I truly hope to go back there someday, especially since there's still so many places that I didn't go to, namely Alexandria and Sinai (where the historic Mount Sinai, the place where Nabi Musa A.S. got his first wahyu from Allah, is located). I also sincerely hope that the friendships I have made on this trip would last forever, be it with the people in Egypt or here in Malaysia. To everyone who made the trip possible, thank you so much for giving me the best holiday ever, do take care and keep in touch! :):)

Our Tour Group, at the Great Pyramids of Giza :)

Teardrops on My Guitar

2008-12-17T19:53:00.003+08:00

I don't even want to feel angry. I don't even want to feel upset or sad. I just wanna feel indifferent. Like Bree from Desperate Housewives said, "The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference". Because feeling something, anything, would mean that i care. And caring was what got me to this state in the first place. Because when you care for someone, you create reason to get hurt when that someone doesn't care for you back.

Sometimes I ask myself, why do I bother? Why do I return his calls and reply his messages the second I get them? Why do I answer his calls no matter how late at night it is? Why is he the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep? And then the answer comes to me. Its not merely the fact that I love him, I realized that some part of me holds a shard of hope that maybe, just maybe, if I showed him how much I care, maybe that feeling would be reciprocrated. Which is extremely pathetic, I know.

But wait, it gets worse. Because there were times when he made me feel so..special, so appreciated, like I meant the world to him. I told myself maybe he was just trying his best to be a good friend. And initially I was okay with that, I told myself, well, at least he's sensitive enough. But its worse because when he doesn't treat me that way, it makes me miss those times so much. It also somehow makes me feel that everything was fake, that maybe he was doing it out of pity alone and not because some part of him did truly care about me.

To those who truly know the reason behind me feeling like this, maybe you guys think I'm being overly dramatic. But recent events was somehow the climax of everything that's been going on with him lately. Actually, after knowing the truth about a month ago, I know I should be on my 'moving on' stage by now. But turning back on your heart isn't that easy. Especially when he's so damn confusing (I won't go into details about that here since I'm sick of talking about it).

The heart is a precious thing. That's why I'm reverting back to my old philosophy, to not let anyone near enough to my heart until they can touch it, because when they can touch it, they can break it.

"And there he goes, so perfectly, the kind of flawless I wish I could be."

I'll be on hiatus for 10 days. Don't ask me why.

Scary Stuff

2008-12-16T12:20:00.006+08:00

Reading Nadira's recent post reminded me of something: there is nothing else that I know I want to do in university besides Law. Is that a good or bad thing? I guess in a way its good because I have a clear idea of what I wanna do in my life right now, and I guess its bad because one should always have options, in case Law doesn't work out? Geez, I dunno. My favourite subjects in school were English, History, Chemistry and Literature in English, which I took as an extra subject. Note that Chemistry is the only Science subject included, because simply it was the only Science subject I like (I love it, actually), hence it was also the only Science subject I was ever good at. I found Chemistry far easier to understand compared to Physics and urgh, Biology, and also I think my cool Chemistry tuituon teacher, Cikgu Taufik, made the subject really fun and easy for me.

I was looking through this book called 'A-Z Explained Courses' which I got at one of our school's career fair thingys and found out that the only courses that interest me besides Law was English, History and Chemistry. Now here's the problem. I would absolutely love to do English or History, but my dad would never let me. You see, my dad is quite a money-minded person and he has always had a vision of his daughter working at a big law firm or becoming one of those hotshot corporate lawyers carrying a briefcase and having a company-sponsored chauffeur driving me to work. What else can you do with an English or History degree in Malaysia besides being a lecturer? My mum and I have no problems with that but my dad would never hear the end of it. I would also love to do Chemistry, but this poses even more problems. Firstly, to do a degree in Chemistry, I must first take Biology, Physics and also Mathematics (eeeww!) during my A-Levels, and there is no way in hell I am doing all those subjects again, 2 years of torture was enough to scar me for life. Secondly, again with the career path. I don't mind lecturing, but my dad, no way. In this case the first problem is bigger than the second one. So unfortunately, I've gotta rule out Chemistry. I miss the subject by the way, and also those fun times during tuituon with Zay, Low and Cikgu Taufik..

So in the end it leaves me with Law. Don't get me wrong, it has always been something that I really wanna do, its just..English, History and Chemistry do interest me as well. I guess my path towards doing a Law degree would include English and History because I will be taking English Literature and History for my A-Levels. But there is no way for Chemistry. Its different altogether, Law is an Arts and Chemistry is a Science. Hmmm.

On another topic, I submitted my Volunteer Application Form to Petrosains yesterday! Huhuhu. I really hope I get it since the very reason I refused to go for the A-Levels January intake was because I wanted to experience new things before I went off to college, and a job is one of them. I sent my resume to Kinokuniya as well, which is my dream place to work part-time by the way, the feeling of being around all those beautiful new books is indescribable. I sent it in more than a week ago I think, and sadly, until now, they haven't called me yet. Mummy tried to comfort me by saying maybe they have too many applicants for the job, and they employ on a first come first serve basis. I knew I should have sent it in earlier! I really wanna work there, everytime I walk by I would look at the place longingly and fantasize about how cool it would be to be able to work there :( Oh well, I hope I get the Petrosains position, it really isn't bad, its called volunteer work but you do get paid, and furthermore, you're allowed to choose what days you wanna work! Cool right? Huhu.

Everyone also seems to be going for their driving license lately. I really want mine too but I'm just terrified at the idea of driving a manual car with a total stranger breathing down my neck! I mean, how am I supposed to practise? All the cars at home are automatic, and they look so easy to drive! Start the car, naikkan handbreak, tekan minyak, and drive! Whereas a manual car needs so much thinking! My dad keeps on trying to teach me:

"Bila start kereta je tekan clutch and masuk gear 1, bila you rasa kereta dah steady sikit tekan clutch masuk gear 2, bila dah steady lagi tekan clutch masuk pulak gear 3. Bila nak slow down masuk balik gear 2. Jangan lupa tekan clutch everytime nak tukar gear. Gear 1 tu only bila start kereta and nak stop bila dah habis."

The whole time I was like "Banyak betul benda nak pikir! Tekan clutch lah, tukar gear lah, aaaahh!", and my dad would say "Hey, your Physics and Addmaths tu lagi susah daripada bawak kereta eh, bawak kereta senang je!" and I'm like "Kereta auto senang lah, ni manual!" then my mum, always backing me up, would say "At least Addmaths and Physics tu takdela mati serta-merta kalau tak pass, kan. Ni bawak kereta, lupa tekan clutch ke tukar gear ke, haaa mati terus," Hahahaha spot on mummy! I really need to go back to Klang and practise driving using my aunt's manual Wira Aeroback before I have any hope of driving at all. Sigh.

Wow I think this is my longest post so far. I doubt you even had the patience to read all of it. Haha.

Me & Mr. Jonas

2008-12-15T14:30:00.002+08:00

MY FAVOURITE JONAS!

I want the Burning Up, On Tour with the Jonas Brothers Authorized Book!! When is it coming to Malaysia??

A Night to Remember

2008-12-12T22:52:00.003+08:00

Since my last post was just pictures from the prom, I figured I should say something about the event too, because it was truly nice and memorable, huhu :)

If I seemed awkward in the dress I was wearing, well..it was because that night was the first time in like, 11 years since I last wore a dress. Seriously. Haha. So I was kinda (ok, really) nervous about putting it on since I was afraid I was gonna look like a freak or something, and thank God, it turned out pretty okay. Haha. My initial attempt of putting on a hairband in an effort to do something with my boring hair didn't work out though, since the stupid hairband was starting to gimme a serious headache halfway through. I thought I wanted to tahan until the end of the night, but my friends were like "Cabut je la Aira!", haha. Oh well, it could've been worse, right? I mean, I could've tripped and fell since I was wearing heels, and I could even have spilled food on my dress, which I do very often, as a matter of fact. All in all, I was quite pleased with myself :)

The event itself was nice..the food was great, it certainly satisfied my rumbling stomach since we were allowed to eat only at 9 pm. It wasn't a lavish extravaganza like what you see in those American tv shows, but hey, they're called tv shows for a reason right? I guess my real-life prom experience was pretty good, at the end of the night I realized what mattered the most was the people I was with, my dearest friends :) Each of them looked great by the way, I think everyone noticed in the pictures at my last post how Dan, Bazil and Rifdi turned up with the same shirt and tie, and it still amazes me how guys can get away with wearing the same thing to prom! I can't even begin to imagine the chaos that would ensue if two girls turned up to prom wearing the same dress, let alone three!! I guess boys have it so much easier for them huh. Its so unfair.

Ooohh and I was also very proud because I voted for Zayana to win the best dressed award, and she won! Huhu she deserved it because she really looked great :)

I guess it was a night we will all remember forever, do take care and keep in touch everyone!