Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Failure

I know that I've said this many times in this blog, but I've lost the desire for blogging. In fact, I've lost my desire for a lot of things lately. Its difficult to be enthusiastic about things when you're still trying to digest the fact that you did badly for your A-Levels. Its not like I fell short of my target, I didn't even achieve a result close to what I predicted and targeted. Everyday I ask myself: Why? How? What did I do wrong? Is there a reason for all of it? You wish with all your heart that life can provide you with all the answers. Answers to why you didn't do well despite working so hard, why all the cruelty, why nothing turns out according to our plans. But in life, most questions go unanswered.

I feel so inferior to my friends who obtained brilliant results, who got places at top-notch universities. Maybe I was being arrogant when I envisioned myself in one of those universities, maybe I was too ambitious, my sky high dreams were disproportionate to the work I was putting into my studies. Everytime I feel that way, another voice inside me speaks. It tells me that I have been nothing but a good student during my three semesters at college. I never ever missed a class without a valid reason, I turned up for extra classes and mock exams, I never hung out with my friends during weekdays, and not even regularly on weekends. I was never late for classes, I did almost all the work that was given to me in class. The fact that I didn't slack off during my studies worsens the pain. Its been more than a week and my parents might think that I've gotten over the dissapointment, but I really haven't. To describe how I felt when I had to face them with the results I got would be impossible. I never felt like such a failure in my life. I expected so much from myself, but it hurt even more to know that my parents felt the same way too. They never told me but I know, I just know, that they were confident that their daughter would ace her A-Levels. But she didn't.

In all honesty, I feel like a total failure. Its not that my results aren't good enough for any university because they are, but that's not the point. Doing well in my exams means a lot to me and my parents, and I still can't believe I failed to do that. I still can't bear looking at my results slip. It almost feels as if they belong to someone else. Someone who was lazy, inattentive, and couldn't be bothered with her studies. Everything still feels pretty surreal.

In life, you really should stop having plans and ambitions. The feeling you get when it all breaks into pieces overwhelms you. It makes you question things that you're not supposed to question. It makes you lose sight of yourself. I'm so incredibly sick of hoping, planning, dreaming, having goals. Yes, I'm very familiar with what you're gonna tell me. That its all gonna be okay, its not the end of the world, use this as an opportunity to bounce back and move forward with your life. Please don't tell me that because you know that I know all of it. You won't know what I'm talking about unless you put yourself in my shoes and feel the pain.

I don't know what will take this pain away. I really don't. There used to be someone whom I thought would be able to help. But like everything else in my life, the hope I put into it was for nothing. I am now more disillusioned then ever about relationships. Again, why? Why is it that you're given so much joy and hope only to have it all disappear? How can people be so cruel? How can I be so forgettable? That's the only explanation right? That's the only explanation to why someone can treat you like you're their whole world for a few weeks and then completely ignore you after that. Sometimes I wish it all never happened.

Hope is a terrible thing. It inflicts more pain than joy. I never planned to tell the world about all of this, but I needed some place where I can talk about how I feel. Of course, what I've written is not even close to how I truly feel, but it helps when there's no one else who would listen.