Monday, September 5, 2011

Sink In, Will You?

I haven't blogged in ages and here I am in front of my laptop, a week away from leaving the country. There's no way I can give a detailed update on what's been happening in my life, so much is too private to be said here. I'm sorry I haven't blogged more, haven't shared more, sorry if I've been selfish with the goings on in my life.

To say that nothing much has happened since I last wrote would be faaaarr from the truth. I went to the States back in May, to Dallas and New York City specifically. Yes, New York City. How on earth could I have not blogged about that, you ask? Well actually I did kinda promise myself that I would blog about it, but alas, I didn't. Its too late for a detailed account of my trip now, partly because its old news, mostly because I don't remember every detail of it anymore. The highlights of my trip can be seen from the pictures I uploaded on Facebook - Central Park, Wicked on Broadway, Times Square, Trump Tower, Columbia University, The Statue of Liberty and Fashion Avenue. Its impossible to come to NYC and not fall in love - the city is overflowing with optimism, competition and achievement - traits that I've never found in any of the cities I've visited so far. I seriously wish to go back there someday, to further my studies, to work, and maybe to live. I am truly blessed, Alhamdulillah :)

I'll be leaving for the UK next Monday, the 12th of September. My parents will be accompanying me, and we'll be visiting London first before heading to Liverpool on the 17th. I still haven't packed a thing yet, I think I'm delaying it as much as possible because I still don't wanna feel like I'm actually leaving. This time in two weeks I'll be in Liverpool already, and I can't imagine living alone in a foreign country. I won't even turn 20 in this country! Its quite hard to believe, actually. I wonder when the feeling will sink in.

Oh yes, Selamat Hari Raya everyone! This Raya has been less joyful than previous ones, we didn't even take any family photos. But Raya's still Raya, so I hope everyone else's was fantastic :)

Seeing that I'll be leaving our Land of Glorious Food really really soon, I'm gonna make my dad bring me to makan all my favourite foods this week. I shall end this blog post with pictures of some of my favourite foods that I'm currently craving, and MUST have before I leave - start salivating, people!


Pavilion foodcourt's Teppanyaki! The best EVER! :D


Mali's Char Kuey Teow! Famous for a VERY good reason!



And of course, its a sin if you don't recognize this! Cozy House's Chicken Chop with Gravy! *drools* :D

Sunday, May 1, 2011

I Feel Pretty but Unpretty

Its strange that the longer I have this blog, the less inspired I seem to be to write anything of meaning. Some of my older posts included my take on current issues as well as the emotional rantings expected of a 19 year old teenager's blog. I don't know why, but it seems that I am slowly (but surely) losing my ability to express myself through writing. Must be the effect of being away from academic life for so long.

Speaking of academic life, I have finally received my Confirmation Letter from UCAS. This makes my enrollment in the University of Liverpool this September official. Don't ask me how I feel about it, because its a mixture of too many things. As much as a relief it was to receive the letter after weeks of waiting, the prospect of leaving is still surreal. I'm not sure when the feeling will sink in properly, but I have a feeling that that will only happen when I'm actually there. As of now, it feels kinda like I'm looking at the future through a pair of foggy spectacles. It sharpens your vision, yet you can't clearly make out what is it that you're actually seeing.

Its funny that most people find my cynicism on love to be disturbing and hard to believe, when I find their sunny optimism to be deluded and farcical. The thing is, everyone I've talked to about the issue haven't been able to give me a solid explanation as to why I should change my views. The answers I'm given are either revoltingly cliched, or a sermon that eventually leads to words like 'destiny' and 'fate', which are not to be questioned. Now, please don't think I'm being blasphemous or anything like that, because I'm not. I just think that such things should be discussed objectively, or else why bother discussing them at all? Which is why I now think that bringing up the subject of my cynicism to anyone is not a very smart idea.

That being said, I'm beginning to think that the overused phrase 'your first love is the one you'll remember forever' has some element of truth to it. The thing is, how do you actually differentiate 'remembering' and 'still in love'? Its even harder to figure out because I don't have any precedent for reference. I've fallen in love, truly in love, only once. Even as I'm typing this, I'm starting to question how is it that I'm so sure whatever I felt (and possibly still feel), is even love in the first place? Can it be called love if the feeling was, and never will be returned? This is precisely why I'm so cynical about this whole subject, there's no definite answer to anything. What makes it worse is that movies and television make it look like love is so easy, so sure, like there is always someone who would accept you for exactly who you are. None of these filmmakers seem to be remotely interested in portraying reality at all.

Or maybe it is actually easy and straightforward, I'm the one who just overthinks everything way too much. That's what one of my friends said about me. But its not like I'm saying all of this without reason, because its all from experience. How can putting back the pieces of your heart be straightforward?

That same friend also called my blog 'angsty'. Perhaps it is. Perhaps I do sound like a bitter, sourgrape grinch in desperate need of some rainbows and sunshine. I don't feel the need to justify myself, as I assume that those who read my blog know me well in person, which means they know that I'm actually a girly-girl who squeals at the sight of anything pink, someone who laughs so loud she's sure it makes people stare. I just don't see the point of blogging about mundane things that I don't feel very strongly about. Doing that would render my presence in the blogsphere pointless, I think.

To prove that my life is not all doom and gloom, I've finally gotten started on my driver's license! It's still a long way to go until I get my P, but at least I've started. Honestly, if I wasn't flying off in September, I probably wouldn't have bothered taking it yet. The prospect of driving a vehicle on the road, with other vehicles lurking dangerously by, is a thought that still creeps me out.

Great, so much for getting rid of the gloom. Maybe I just need therapy.

"I wish I could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful
But what does that mean to you
Look into the mirror who’s inside there
The one with the long hair
Same old me again today."

Monday, April 4, 2011

Grateful


Congratulations! Your place at The University of Liverpool (L41) to study Law (LLB Honours) (M100) has been confirmed.

Alhamdulillah, it all turned out well in the end.
Have faith, always :)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Failure

I know that I've said this many times in this blog, but I've lost the desire for blogging. In fact, I've lost my desire for a lot of things lately. Its difficult to be enthusiastic about things when you're still trying to digest the fact that you did badly for your A-Levels. Its not like I fell short of my target, I didn't even achieve a result close to what I predicted and targeted. Everyday I ask myself: Why? How? What did I do wrong? Is there a reason for all of it? You wish with all your heart that life can provide you with all the answers. Answers to why you didn't do well despite working so hard, why all the cruelty, why nothing turns out according to our plans. But in life, most questions go unanswered.

I feel so inferior to my friends who obtained brilliant results, who got places at top-notch universities. Maybe I was being arrogant when I envisioned myself in one of those universities, maybe I was too ambitious, my sky high dreams were disproportionate to the work I was putting into my studies. Everytime I feel that way, another voice inside me speaks. It tells me that I have been nothing but a good student during my three semesters at college. I never ever missed a class without a valid reason, I turned up for extra classes and mock exams, I never hung out with my friends during weekdays, and not even regularly on weekends. I was never late for classes, I did almost all the work that was given to me in class. The fact that I didn't slack off during my studies worsens the pain. Its been more than a week and my parents might think that I've gotten over the dissapointment, but I really haven't. To describe how I felt when I had to face them with the results I got would be impossible. I never felt like such a failure in my life. I expected so much from myself, but it hurt even more to know that my parents felt the same way too. They never told me but I know, I just know, that they were confident that their daughter would ace her A-Levels. But she didn't.

In all honesty, I feel like a total failure. Its not that my results aren't good enough for any university because they are, but that's not the point. Doing well in my exams means a lot to me and my parents, and I still can't believe I failed to do that. I still can't bear looking at my results slip. It almost feels as if they belong to someone else. Someone who was lazy, inattentive, and couldn't be bothered with her studies. Everything still feels pretty surreal.

In life, you really should stop having plans and ambitions. The feeling you get when it all breaks into pieces overwhelms you. It makes you question things that you're not supposed to question. It makes you lose sight of yourself. I'm so incredibly sick of hoping, planning, dreaming, having goals. Yes, I'm very familiar with what you're gonna tell me. That its all gonna be okay, its not the end of the world, use this as an opportunity to bounce back and move forward with your life. Please don't tell me that because you know that I know all of it. You won't know what I'm talking about unless you put yourself in my shoes and feel the pain.

I don't know what will take this pain away. I really don't. There used to be someone whom I thought would be able to help. But like everything else in my life, the hope I put into it was for nothing. I am now more disillusioned then ever about relationships. Again, why? Why is it that you're given so much joy and hope only to have it all disappear? How can people be so cruel? How can I be so forgettable? That's the only explanation right? That's the only explanation to why someone can treat you like you're their whole world for a few weeks and then completely ignore you after that. Sometimes I wish it all never happened.

Hope is a terrible thing. It inflicts more pain than joy. I never planned to tell the world about all of this, but I needed some place where I can talk about how I feel. Of course, what I've written is not even close to how I truly feel, but it helps when there's no one else who would listen.