Monday, November 1, 2010

Joy and Turmoil

Yup, I turned nineteen yesterday and it was wonderful :) Got lovely stuff from the parents, and I can't believe the amount of Facebook wishes I got. I know that half of them probably only knew it was my birthday through the site, but for them to click on my profile and wish me is something I truly appreciate :) Nineteen will be good.

Turning nineteen hasn't rid me of this turmoil in my heart, though. Yes, that's what I feel. Turmoil. Its okay most of the time but at times like these, it gets unbearable. I'm so utterly conflicted that I don't even know how to describe how I feel. And it feels as if I'm all alone. Just like last time.

Let this be a lesson to me. Do not let one person be so significant in your life that you just cannot bear the thought of letting him go. Because there might be a time when letting him go is your only choice.

I think, above all, I'm just afraid. I'm just so afraid of so many goddamn things that I'm still stuck here, waiting for God Knows What. I'm so pathetic. I just am. I need to meet new people. I need to realize that there are other people in this world. I need to know that he isn't the only one who can make me smile.

Because I am not the one who makes him smile.

And that renders my feelings pointless.

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