Sunday, October 17, 2010

Closer

Everything seems to be so near. The coursework pass-up day, the LNAT, the IELTS, the mocks, the final exams. Is this calmness normal? It can't be, because I'm far from calm, yet I don't think I'm as panicky as I should be. People mistake my outward 'calmness' to confidence, yet I'm far from being confident. I'm just uncertain. I don't even dare think of my degree. I just want to get A-Levels done with safely and smoothly. I don't seem panicky because I think that panicking is time consuming. Its almost like, the amount and magnitude of the task that lies ahead leaves little room for pondering, dreaming and stressing.

What I feel is a lack of feeling - its like I'm just plodding along, devoid of feeling, just concentrating on the next task that comes. Its the only thing that can produce results, anyway. And right now, that's all I want, results. I don't give a damn about all of this being a 'journey' and how in the end, this 'journey' is more important than the destination. That's a load of crap. One cannot afford such indulgences. When this destination is reached, safely and with desired results, only then can the journey begin. Honestly, what I'm going through right now is no journey. It's just a necessity, without which there will be no journey.

Yes, I feel dry. You can argue it in a literal or metaphorical way, but that's how I feel. Drained. And the mock exams haven't even started yet. It's not a good state to be in, but at least I'm still moving. And I will continue moving, until all of this is over.

I owe it to my parents, no one else. Yes, one always hears that 'you should do this for yourself' etc etc. But I don't believe in that, to a certain extent. Don't be selfish. Your success means more to your parents then it does to yourself. Its the least you could give them, after all they've done.

Most of all, more than anything, I can't wait to be done with Maths. No offence, for I respect the subject a lot, but its just not for me. I just hope it won't be my downfall. That's all I'm asking.

I also need to forget about someone. Or rather, get this confusion I feel cleared up. Because it cannot go on like this, it just can't.

Its been way too long.

1 comment:

Sheikh Nabil Farabi Al - Syariff said...

Salamu'alaykum Sister Aira, I'm feeling like sharing with you this one beautiful video by Brother Nouman Ali Khan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ir_q8ZPWjg

Subhan Allah, it is just beautiful that it has always been successfully touching my heart and make me conscious.

It is somewhat elicits a feeling to take heed and be closer to Him.

May Allah bless and fortify you in whatever you do.