Saturday, May 22, 2010


A good friend of mine, who apparently frequents my blog (I am so flattered), told me to update my blog more. Haha. Which is not a bad idea actually. I just noticed that I have 20 Followers on this thing. Twenty. Whooaa. And some of them I don't even know. Is that creepy or flattering? Hmmm.

Anyway, my exam officially starts next Monday. Core Mathematics 1. I don't really know what to say about my exam preparations. Somehow I feel I'm okay..but then again, I can't be too sure. Sigh. I really don't know :(

Maybe some of you who are on my Facebook would have noticed that my statuses have been very emotional lately. Well, that's because I'm not in a very good place right now. In fact, I think I'm in a pretty dark place. If you look back at my previous blog posts from last year, you would notice that many of them were very sad, dark and depressing. Well, how I'm feeling right now, I can safely say, is a million times worse. I don't post those feelings up in detail like before simply because I can't seem to find the right words to describe them. And I also don't feel very comfortable telling the whole world my innermost feelings.

But to sum up how I feel right now, I guess you'll just have to imagine this. Imagine finding every single thing you've been looking for, finding it, loving it so much, and knowing you can't have it, ever. And then the thought of it makes you want to cry. Even worse, you can't cry because you've dried up all your tears already. Imagine walking around feeling so freaking empty, like there's this huge gaping hole in the pit of your heart that just can't be filled. To top it all off, you have to go through all that alone. Because no one is there to listen. And no one will ever come close to truly understanding how you feel.

At times, the pain of it all numbs you. Its like, the pain is there, but somehow you can't really feel it. I know that doesn't make sense, but its almost as if you're so exhausted, drained, that you just don't feel anymore. And then you tell yourself that the only way out of this is to move on. To forget. But how the hell do you do that when the very source of your misery is also the very reason you smile? And how do you get rid of that horrible bitterness in your heart? That anger? Someone please teach me how to be selfless, because I really don't know.

I honestly have no idea what can heal me. Maybe time will. But how much time will it take exactly?

Please don't tell me he's not the only guy in the world. Because I've heard that so many times already, I feel like puking. In fact, I haven't heard anything that is different from what I've heard before. Its not like I don't appreciate it, but I feel so useless. I feel so numb and useless.

Haih. I've tried my best to describe what is it I'm going through without giving away too much. And yet I still feel that words can't properly describe it.

But one thing that has helped quite a bit is music. Music is really good for the soul. I'm glad I'm not musically-inclined at all, or I would be wasting so much time writing depressing songs instead of studying.

So, this is what insanity feels like. Take me away. Please.


Richard said...

stay strong ya, ma fren.

Aira Nur Ariana said...

aaaw thanks richie. :)