Saturday, May 29, 2010

Shadows From The Past

Sometimes, I can't help but think about how my life would have turned out to be if I didn't turn my back on three things:

1. Kolej Tuanku Ja'afar
2. Tunku Kurshiah College
3. International Islamic University of Malaysia

Quite a few people know about how I left TKC and rejected my offer from IIUM, but not many know about KTJ. After my PMR trials in 2006, my parents saw an ad in the paper regarding KTJ offering a post-PMR scholarship to study there. They thought it would be a good idea for me to apply, and so I did. I went for the interview, which was held in KTJ itself, which was all the way in Mantin. I remembered the Mat Salleh principal interviewing me, as well as the vice-principal. I honestly did not know how well I did, and I thought that I wouldn't stand a chance since so many other brilliant students would have applied too. I really enjoyed the campus tour. They brought us around the school, showed us the dining hall, classrooms and dorms. Honestly, I thought it looked so beautiful. It had the whole 'English boarding school' feel to it, and the dorms were the coolest part. If I had joined, I would be in Form 4, which means I'll be a senior. And if I am not mistaken, seniors get to share a dorm with only 3 other people. The dorms looked very homey as the students were allowed to use their own bedsheets, bring their own bantal busuks and teddy bears and stuff. It was cool. Really.

And so about 2 weeks after that, they sent me a letter saying that I got the scholarship. I got it. But there was a catch. It wasn't a full scholarship (even if it was full, it would have covered tuition fees only), but only a half scholarship. Until today I have no idea why they did that, but my parents did the math and decided that they might as well keep the money for my university education instead. The half scholarship barely covered anything. And so..I didn't go to KTJ. KTJ, probably the most exclusive (and expensive) boarding school in Malaysia. At the time, I didn't feel too sad about it, maybe because I was happy that I wouldn't be missing my friends in Melawati. Not that I regret it now, but sometimes I can help thinking how I would've turned out if I did go. Maybe I would have been exposed to MUN much much earlier. Maybe I would continue on until my A-Levels, and I would not be in HELP like now. Hmmm.

As for TKC..well, my mum had her secondary education there too, and she is a member of the Old Girls' Association. Obviously TKC played a huge part in making her who she is today, because my parents have been encouraging me to go there ever since I was a little girl. My mum would tell me stories about her time there, and to me, it was almost confirmed that TKC would be my secondary school. Seriously.

When the time came, I got 5A's in my UPSR, and my mum sent in my application through the OGA. And yep, I got in. But after 3 months there, my parents insist that I come out and continue my education here in SMK Taman Melawati. I shall not go into details about why my parents insisted that I left, because I don't think that its really appropriate to be discussed here. But lets just say that if I had it my way, I could've stayed on in TKC for all 5 years. But my parents knew better, I guess. Probably I do feel a tinge of regret in the sense that my chances of obtaining a government scholarship would have been so much higher if I stayed on there. But other than that, I guess I have no regrets. Melawati did me good, and the people I met there left a huge impact on me until today.

As for IIUM, it was my first choice in my UPU application (I applied for Asasi Undang-undang), so naturally I was happy when I got it. I really was. I've stayed in the campus before, twice, and the atmosphere did attract me. Besides, the Law faculty is probably the most reputable in the country, next to Universiti Malaya's. But alas, when I got the offer, I still harboured intentions of studying overseas. My parents too. After finding out that JPA rejected my scholarship application, my mum gave me a choice between IIUM and doing my A-Levels in HELP or Taylor's. I thought about it long and hard and I decided that I wanted to pursue A-Levels. So with a heavy heart (I really mean that), I posted the offer package they sent to me back to them, thus turning my back on a perfectly good university offer. I really hope IIUM gave the offer to someone else who deserved it.

Looking back on all the choices I made, and seeing where I am today, I really don't think I have any regrets. Sure, it was hard to do what I did, I mean, who turns their backs on KTJ, TKC and IIUM? I remember when I just left TKC, people would say to me "You gila ke? Orang berebut-rebut nak masuk TKC tu, you keluar. Apa lah!". At that time, I did feel a bit stupid. Like, why did my parents take me out? I could have managed it, you know. But then, looking at things now, in a different perspective, I do feel that it was all for the best. God certainly had His plans for me.

If I went to KTJ or TKC, I wouldn't have met all the wonderful friends and teachers in Melawati. If I went to IIUM, I wouldn't have met all the brilliant people here in HELP, I probably would still not know the existence of MUN. So you know what, all those choices my parents and I made, were not bad after all. Sometimes you gotta go with your instincts, trust yourself a bit more, and have faith in God.

Hmmm. Actually I'm not really sure what the whole point of this post is. I guess I was having one of my 'reminiscing about the past' moments. Haha. Well, I don't have any papers next week. Though I should really take advantage of it and use the time to study my ass off. Right? :)

My previous post was so freaking depressing. But I really was so freaking depressed. I'm a lot better now though. Better as in I don't cry my eyes out every time I think about him anymore, and I don't walk around feeling like an empty shell anymore, but the pain is still there. Oh yes, its still there alright. Sigh.

Now that American Idol has ended (I don't care what you say, Lee DeWyze is one of my fav winners, ever!), I can't wait for the World Cup to start! I'll be rooting for Brazil, Spain and England! Huhu! And of course, like every other typical hormonal teenage girl in the world, I can't wait to see this hunk in action:


He has to be the handsomest footballer in the world right now, period. And he's got mad skills too! I love you, Kaka! :D


Take care, everyone!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Asylum

A good friend of mine, who apparently frequents my blog (I am so flattered), told me to update my blog more. Haha. Which is not a bad idea actually. I just noticed that I have 20 Followers on this thing. Twenty. Whooaa. And some of them I don't even know. Is that creepy or flattering? Hmmm.

Anyway, my exam officially starts next Monday. Core Mathematics 1. I don't really know what to say about my exam preparations. Somehow I feel I'm okay..but then again, I can't be too sure. Sigh. I really don't know :(

Maybe some of you who are on my Facebook would have noticed that my statuses have been very emotional lately. Well, that's because I'm not in a very good place right now. In fact, I think I'm in a pretty dark place. If you look back at my previous blog posts from last year, you would notice that many of them were very sad, dark and depressing. Well, how I'm feeling right now, I can safely say, is a million times worse. I don't post those feelings up in detail like before simply because I can't seem to find the right words to describe them. And I also don't feel very comfortable telling the whole world my innermost feelings.

But to sum up how I feel right now, I guess you'll just have to imagine this. Imagine finding every single thing you've been looking for, finding it, loving it so much, and knowing you can't have it, ever. And then the thought of it makes you want to cry. Even worse, you can't cry because you've dried up all your tears already. Imagine walking around feeling so freaking empty, like there's this huge gaping hole in the pit of your heart that just can't be filled. To top it all off, you have to go through all that alone. Because no one is there to listen. And no one will ever come close to truly understanding how you feel.

At times, the pain of it all numbs you. Its like, the pain is there, but somehow you can't really feel it. I know that doesn't make sense, but its almost as if you're so exhausted, drained, that you just don't feel anymore. And then you tell yourself that the only way out of this is to move on. To forget. But how the hell do you do that when the very source of your misery is also the very reason you smile? And how do you get rid of that horrible bitterness in your heart? That anger? Someone please teach me how to be selfless, because I really don't know.

I honestly have no idea what can heal me. Maybe time will. But how much time will it take exactly?

Please don't tell me he's not the only guy in the world. Because I've heard that so many times already, I feel like puking. In fact, I haven't heard anything that is different from what I've heard before. Its not like I don't appreciate it, but I feel so useless. I feel so numb and useless.

Haih. I've tried my best to describe what is it I'm going through without giving away too much. And yet I still feel that words can't properly describe it.

But one thing that has helped quite a bit is music. Music is really good for the soul. I'm glad I'm not musically-inclined at all, or I would be wasting so much time writing depressing songs instead of studying.

So, this is what insanity feels like. Take me away. Please.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Lean On Me

I have lost the will to blog lately. Maybe because I don't think words can really describe all that I'm feeling at the moment. That is ironic coming from me, someone who loves words and how they can form something so accurate and meaningful. But I'm gonna try, from now on, to post up something at least once a month.

So its May already. My exams are coming in about a three weeks, my first paper being Core Mathematics 1, which I am re-taking due to my mangkuk-ness (I got a B for it during the January exams. FML). I'm truly nervous for the exams. I have 8 papers to sit for, all stretched out in the course of 1 whole month. The success of my UCAS application depends on this exam, all the more reason why I simply have to do well. More than anything, I want to fulfill my dream of getting into University College London for my Law degree. Everything else can come later.

Lately, I really feel like doing Political Science or International Relations for my degree. Mind you, I have no ambitions whatsoever of being a politician or anything like that, I don't think I have what it takes. But I just love the study of it, learning about systems of government, democracy, communism, capitalism, elections, parliament and all that stuff. I've always been interested in international issues, and I think PoliSci or IR would suit me perfectly. But alas, my mum thinks that there aren't enough career opportunities in Malaysia for a PoliSci or IR graduate (unless I want to work with the government, or be a lecturer, neither of which I intend to do). Therefore I'm sticking to Law. Not that its bad or anything, I'm interested in Law too, its just that if I could do my heart's desire, it would either be PoliSci, IR or even English Literature.

Speaking of Lit, we have finally submitted our much dreaded coursework to the department on the 26th of April. Now, its all up to Ms.Caroline to grade us, and the will of God to pay off all the hard work we've put into it. I'm hoping against hope that I get a B at least, as re-taking it next semester together with Unit 3 and 4 might probably kill me. Literally.

I've noticed that lately, much to my dismay, the appeal of someone with intelligence and maturity has been taken over by mindless and bimbo-ish people who seem to sail through life based on what (little) they wear and bodies they have. I might sound bitter, but thats a fact. People nowadays, especially boys, can't seem to AT ALL look beyond a girl's appearance. They have completely lost the ability to see with their minds and not with their eyes. Maybe thats because they lack brains themselves. Yeah, that must be the reason. How else can you explain it?

Maybe I'm being unfair towards the male species here. There are some girls that I know who seek nothing else in boys except for their looks, what they wear, what car they drive and whether or not they have six-pack abs that will put Taylor Lautner to shame. Perhaps this is the effect that television and Hollywood has had on youths nowadays. Your heart and mind doesn't matter anymore. As long as you show some skin, socialize a lot, act all stupid to attract attention, and you're good to go.

The most baffling thing is, other people actually have the patience with girls/guys who are like that. Or maybe they actually do think its 'cute' and they actually 'like' it. Oh well, I guess I'll never be able to have that kind of tolerance. I admit that I am quite a serious person and I can't stand ignorance or plain stupidity. Its true that common sense is not so common anymore. Sigh.

I guess that's enough rantings for one post. Till next time, take care!


My latest indulgence :)


Even Obama, my idol, reads it! Hehe!