Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I Am So Jaded.

Reading my previous post, it may seem like I've been a loner all my life. Its true that right now I don't have a proper circle of friends, girlfriends, homies, gang, clique or whatever it is you call it these days. In college, chances are you'll be seeing me studying, walking and even having my lunch alone. This freaks out some people, I know, because most people can't stand the idea of having lunch alone. I used to not like it too, but one gets used to it. Ever since my days at Petrosains, having lunch alone is a norm for me. And its nothing sad or pathetic. My mom goes to lunch at KLCC alone almost every day. She enjoys her own company. And I guess I've learnt to enjoy my own company too.

My point is, I wasn't always like this. Back then I had a constant circle of friends whom I would go to recess with, whom I would gossip with, whom I laughed and cried with. And then one of them, my bestest friend, moved to another school, and things changed from there. I still had close friends, but it was never the same. Still, I enjoyed my high school life. The first three years more than the last two, but I enjoyed it still. Unlike college, it was a place where I made lasting friendships, friendships that I could believe in.

Between the end of high school until now, I came across several people whom I grew really close to. We used to talk until the wee hours of the morning, and sms every two minutes. At the time, it felt like 'this is gonna last forever'. We were there for each other, always. But life has a habit of snatching things from you without a reason. Suddenly, things just changed. And the worse part was, I can't think of a reason why. Maybe its distance. Or age. Or I just repel people. Or we just simply grew apart. Whatever it is, it hurts. It hurts to think that a person can be everything to you one moment, and a complete stranger the next. What hurts most is that they claim that you're their 'sister' or 'best friend' and they will 'always be there for you' and all that stupid crap.

Therefore I've turned into someone who just cannot and refuses to believe in any kind of relationship outside my family. And yes, friendship included. Those few who have stuck by me and have earned my trust are excluded, of course. You know who you are. But other than that, I don't know how you can just trust a person, when they say they love you, or they'll always be there for u, or they'll look after you no matter what. How can you just believe that? Its only words. I've learnt that hearts change and people change even if their words remain the same.

Ms. Caroline once asked us in Lit class, "How does it feel to be in love?" or something of that kind. I remember answering her, "I don't think I can answer that because at this point in my life, I have never felt any kind of love from anyone except my parents." The class kinda stared at me but Ms. Caroline said "Yeah, that's true." I have loved, which brought devastating effects, yes. But to be loved? Really? That's a huge word. As far as I know, when you love someone, you put them before you, always. You would give up anything for them. You'll be there for them, no matter what. And most importantly, you mean what you say and stick to it until the end of time. Until death do you part. So who else other than my parents would do all those things for me? And how can any random guy just claim they would do all that for me, be that person to me? How can they possibly prove it? Its not possible. Its not possible because he didn't give birth to me, or feed me, or see me grow up. He won't be able to see beyond my physical shortcomings, to see who I am on the inside, as cliche as that sounds. With all that said, maybe I have to take it back when I said that I have loved. Because I don't know if what I felt did justice to the word.

Its unfathomable to me how people can get married to each other. Marriage baffles me. But I am thankful my parents got married or I won't be here right now. As for me getting married someday, I can't picture it. I have issues with trust. I know that.

I'm not trying to mock those who have significant other halves, or those who are in love and plan to get married. I wish them all the happiness in the world. I'm just saying its not for me.

You know people (especially girls) have their own fantasy love story? Like they wish their relationship with their significant other was like Shane West and Mandy Moore in 'A Walk to Remember', or Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts in 'Notting Hill', or Nathan and Haley in 'One Tree Hill', or Romeo and Juliet in 'Romeo and Juliet'. As for me, my fantasy love story is that of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet in Jane Austen's masterpiece, Pride and Prejudice. Before I read the novel, I never thought it was possible to create a love story between a man and woman that did not involve and lust or anything sexual at all. Everything between them was about their minds, and hearts, manners and behaviour. Sure they were both good looking, but that was not the focus of their attraction to each other at all. Its kind of hard to describe here, it may sound really cliche, so you must read the book to understand.

But alas, its just a story. Chances of that happening in real life? To me? Pfffftt.

I know, you might read this and think, "Why is she so jaded? She's only 18, she has her whole life ahead of her". Yeah, in an ideal world, an 18-year old like me should be holding on to the hope that one day her knight in shining armour would come to her on a white horse and whisk her away to be with her forever, and they ride off happily ever after into the setting sun. Trust me, I want to be that girl. But life and people has hardened me. I just do not believe in such things.

Straying off the subject a little, One Tree Hill season 7, despite the absence of my perfect guy Lucas Scott, is actually not that bad. Hard to believe, I know. I think its better than season 6. It has a mystery and storyline to it, and its not too draggy. I like Clay, he's cute. But of course nothing, absolutely nothing can beat the first four seasons when they were still in high school. I can watch those seasons over and over again without getting bored, seriously.

Oh and in this new season, RACHEL GATTINA IS MARRIED TO DAN SCOTT. Which means he is Nathan and Luke's stepmother, and Jamie's grandmother. What the *insert suitable profanities* !!!??? I think this is the most bizarre marriage to come out of OTH so far, even more bizarre than Nate and Haley's high school marriage. Yeah yeah call it sweet or whatever, but getting married in high school, and lasting for like, 6 years now? Pfffftt. Major nonsense. Maybe that's why I prefer Luke to Nathan. I think Nate is a bit unrealistic. When it comes to his marriage with Haley, that is. Or else he's fine.

Well I've rambled on for too long. Someone should knock some sense into me and remind me that my exams start next Monday.



Richard said...

oops, its me again!
unexpectedly right. maybe addicted to ur blog since the previous one.
Those are words from bottom of ur heart. n tat i could feel the words.

Its true that time would change everything. yup, we couldnt be closed to best frens all the times. but true frens would always be remembered. no matter how far we r apart or how long we nvr meet, we still share the same sweet memories together.

From first i knew u, i want to be a good fren of u. just that u r too quiet n shy. mayb we should chat more next time k.

Cheer up, gal. u r 18 and should live to the max. still many beautiful things for u to explore. mayb u have some sad story behind. but who cares about tat. at the end, everyone would find their love n get married. mayb jus that ur destiny has nt come yet. sometime we need to believe, n once we believe, it would come true.


Aira Nur Ariana said...

hello you! wow i didnt know u're such a faithful reader of my ramblings. haha :D

aaww u're so sweet dear :) thank you. perhaps u're right, i should open up my heart and start believing again. maybe some people are worth the try.

thank you again. you are a good friend :)