Sunday, March 29, 2009

Healing Wound. I Hope.

Okay, I know my three previous posts has been, dark, moody, angry, and downright depressing. But I'm glad to say that (for today, at least), I'm feeling a bit better. Hooray!

Blogging about my broken heart has kept me from updating all of you (ceehh..macam ade orang teringin nak tau je) about the latest going-on's in my life (apart from all the depressing stuff).

So here goes.

I went to Sydney two weeks ago (the 20th), and came back on Thursday. It was my second time there, but it was still awesome. We stayed in this gorgeous apartment on the 42nd floor, which is crazy, I know, and since I'm afraid of heights, it did freak me out (a little) at first, but then I realized that it wasn't that scary after all (maybe that was due to the fact that for safety purposes, the management locked the sliding door to the balcony and didn't allow guests to open them on any occasion). The view of the sunrise and sunset everyday was breathtaking, and it was cool to be able to see planes flying outside your window without having to look up. Haha. Oooohh and I got this gorgeous turquoise blue sequined bag at The Rocks bazaar for only 25 Australian Dollars! Its the kind of ethnic-looking bag that you usually see in Khazanah, which I have wanted for ages, but couldn't get one here because it was so expensive. And I got it in Sydney for approximately RM 50! How awesome is that? Oooh and I also got this really nice long gray cardigan, the kind that you only find in Topshop here in Malaysia, and it costs about RM 129, for only 29.95 AUD! What can I say? I love Australia. Huhu :):)

And now to the biggest show on Earth..American Idol. I have been a religious follower of this show ever since it was shown in Malaysia way back in 2003 I think, and every single year, there's always one person that captures my heart right from the beginning, that one contestant whom I see and straight away go like "he/she is DEFINITELY gonna win this season!". So of course, this year, that lucky contestant is...you guessed it, the much-talked about Adam Lambert. And who can blame people for taking about him? He's frickin' AWESOME! In my opinion, he is by far the best contestant ever to grace the Idol stage. The energy and presence he brings to the stage every week is that of a seasoned performer! I really wonder why he hasn't been snatched up by a prominent recording company and gone on tour around the world or something. He has the whole package to make it in the industry today. The looks, the voice, the energy, the presence, everything. And he's exciting too! Every week he comes up with something different to surprise the judges and audience. Did you see how he completely transformed his broody emo look into an Elvis-inspired, hair slicked-back, more subdued style? He even got rid of his eyeliner and nail polish! And how he sang 'Tracks of My Tears' with not only perfect pitch (as usual), but with such heart, soul and grace? At that moment I was like "Hah! Padan muka sape yang ingat die boleh nyanyi lagu rock rock jer!". Lol. He can sing anything. Seriously. This guy deserves to win the title! He's even better than David Cook last year. And he won. So go figure. Simon Cowell predicted that Adam would be in the final this year (together with Danny, whom I like too) and Simon's usually right. Though I disagree with his prediction that Lil' Rounds will complete the top three, since I think Allison Iraheta is better. And she's only 16, younger than I am! America is a weird country. Haha. Anyways, Adam Lambert is definitely my craze on AI this year. Last year it was David Archuleta, hehe (who is coming to our shores soon! does anyone know how to get tickets??)

I have my JPA interview this Friday. Wish me luck! I really hope I get it, since I'm not so confident on getting the Securities Commission and Bank Negara scholarships, since they have such high standards, and my SPM results are probably just mediocre to them. Haha. I reeeaallyy hope I get it :)

I want to recover from this. I want to get better, be a better person, to myself, to him, and to everyone. I want to believe in love and happiness again. That's not too much to ask for, right? Please?

p/s: OMG I can't wait!!!!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Hate is a Strong Word. Because its a Strong Feeling.

I've come to a point where I've started to hate. I sat in the plane on the way home from Sydney, thinking about everything, from the first time I spoke to him, how close we became after that, and of course, all the emotional trauma and heartbreak I went through. And suddenly I felt this hate inside me.

I hate him for making me go through sleepless, tear-filled nights and waking up with swollen eyes.

I hate him for making me feel unimportant, insignificant, left-out, unneeded, unwanted, not-good-enough and inadequate.

I hate him for lowering down my self-esteem.

I hate him for scarring me so bad to the point that it is impossible for me to trust and let in another guy into my heart ever again.

I hate him for making me a cynic and sceptic when it comes to love.

I hate him for leaving me out.

I hate him for leading me on. Fo being so extremely nice to me, and then breaking my heart.

I hate him for loving her.

I hate his so-called "I still care about you cuz you're my best friend" thing. I hate it. If you mean it, then show it. Include me in your life.

But I guess, most of all, I hate the thought of him going through his everyday life, not being able to feel the same way about me, ever.

I hate him. I want him out of my life. I've had enough. Waayy more than enough. Good riddance.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Goodbye

Let it go. Let him go. Be at peace with it. Because there's nothing you can do about it.

You have so many other things going on for you. You don't need him. He is nothing. Just tell yourself that over and over and you'll make it through. He is nothing and you don't need him.

Not being able to say goodbye to him is a good thing.

Just let it be.

Because that's how life is.

You'll make it through, Aira. You'll make it through on your own. Just don't forget to put on your face when you get out, okay?

You'll be fine. It will be over. It will be.

Goodbye.