I haven't blogged for a really long time, not because I have nothing to tell..its just..I have too much to tell. Too much that I just couldn't describe. But then, at times all of it overwhelmes me and I just needed to let it all out. And so I thought that this is the best place to do it.
The tears came trickling down again last night.
Ever since that day, I have tried my very best to be one of those strong i-don't-need-a-man-to-survive kinda girls, and sometimes it does work, but a picture on Facebook that I saw just caused it all to come crashing down again.
I guess the most painful thing is..just wondering, does he miss me too? Maybe not as much as I miss him, obviously, but maybe just a tiny bit? If only he knew how much I miss him every single day. How I miss all the late night phone calls, the sms-es. If only he knew how hearing his voice on the phone can just make me feel like, I had someone. If only he knew how much his company meant to me, how much I looked forward to see him everytime we went out. If only he knew how everytime I scroll down my phonebook, my fingers would just go down to his name, sometimes just to stare at it, just to stare at the piece of evidence that he was, a huge part of my life. Then again, he still is. Sometimes I have to fight this powerful urge to text him, just to ask if he's okay.
And the next most painful thing is..that feeling, that feeling that I'm not good enough for him. I read something in Ainaa's blog that was really meaningful. It was something like, how is it possible that when you see a person you love, you don't see flaws. You just see everything that's wonderful in him, and you always try your best to find the good in him. But he doesn't see you in that way. Human emotions are a funny thing. I know that you shouldn't let a guy dictate how you think about yourself. That's very true. But then, he's the best and most perfect guy I know. I just feel so..inadequate, so..not good enough. I mean, there must be something in me that's missing, right? Since he's in love with her instead of me.
The wound just feels so..raw.
I just can't help but wonder. Does he think of me at all? We used to talk almost everyday. Does he feel a difference now? Maybe not. He looks happy with the others. But then again, why shouldn't he be? I'm the one with the broken heart, not him. Get that in your head, Aira. Probably all those times we talked on the phone, he was doing it because he felt sorry for me.
Because the difference is, he knows that I have feelings for him.
Even everything that I've typed hasn't completely covered every single emotion I've been feeling. Its just too hard to put in words. But basically, that's it. That's how it all feels.
When is it all gonna end? When? This pain I feel in my heart, when will it start to heal? I sure as hell hope it won't take years or something. Oh God.
I know that it was me who told him, we should stay away from each other for a while if you really want me to move on. I said it, and its probably good for me too. But it doesn't mean its not painful. It doesn't mean that there's no part of my heart that holds on to a shred of hope that maybe, he would just text me to ask if I'm okay. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to see him happy with the others, it doesn't mean that no part of me feels left out from his life.
Because all that was what made my tears fall last night. I'm pathetic, I know.
Get on with it Aira, you were the one who decided that you and him should stay away. You! Not him! It doesn't make a difference to him. He can still get on with his life as normally as if nothing has happened. He's fine. Definitely a lot more fine than you are. Its your own fault you're not talking to him or seeing him anymore. Not his fault, and definitely not your friends' fault.
You were the one who opened your heart to him. You were the one who fell in love with someone who doesn't give a damn about your existence. Its YOUR fault.
Do not let anyone near your heart again. Because if they can come near it, they sure as hell can break it.
Sometimes people put up walls around their heart not because they don't wanna let anyone in. But because they wanna see who cares enough to break those walls down.
He won't be one of those people. He's in love with someone else. And there's absolutely nothing that you can do about it.
He's not the one hurting. He's not the one crying. He's not the one who wakes up with swollen eyes in the morning. You are.
Its not like I wish all this pain upon him, hell no, its just...if only he knew.
But then again, even if he knew, what can he do about it? He'd probably think I'm extremely stupid and pathetic. And rightly so too.
Argh, its too much. Just. Too. Much.
"Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return."