Friday, February 27, 2009

The Pain

I haven't blogged for a really long time, not because I have nothing to tell..its just..I have too much to tell. Too much that I just couldn't describe. But then, at times all of it overwhelmes me and I just needed to let it all out. And so I thought that this is the best place to do it.

The tears came trickling down again last night.

Ever since that day, I have tried my very best to be one of those strong i-don't-need-a-man-to-survive kinda girls, and sometimes it does work, but a picture on Facebook that I saw just caused it all to come crashing down again.

I guess the most painful thing is..just wondering, does he miss me too? Maybe not as much as I miss him, obviously, but maybe just a tiny bit? If only he knew how much I miss him every single day. How I miss all the late night phone calls, the sms-es. If only he knew how hearing his voice on the phone can just make me feel like, I had someone. If only he knew how much his company meant to me, how much I looked forward to see him everytime we went out. If only he knew how everytime I scroll down my phonebook, my fingers would just go down to his name, sometimes just to stare at it, just to stare at the piece of evidence that he was, a huge part of my life. Then again, he still is. Sometimes I have to fight this powerful urge to text him, just to ask if he's okay.

And the next most painful thing is..that feeling, that feeling that I'm not good enough for him. I read something in Ainaa's blog that was really meaningful. It was something like, how is it possible that when you see a person you love, you don't see flaws. You just see everything that's wonderful in him, and you always try your best to find the good in him. But he doesn't see you in that way. Human emotions are a funny thing. I know that you shouldn't let a guy dictate how you think about yourself. That's very true. But then, he's the best and most perfect guy I know. I just feel so..inadequate, so..not good enough. I mean, there must be something in me that's missing, right? Since he's in love with her instead of me.

The wound just feels so..raw.

I just can't help but wonder. Does he think of me at all? We used to talk almost everyday. Does he feel a difference now? Maybe not. He looks happy with the others. But then again, why shouldn't he be? I'm the one with the broken heart, not him. Get that in your head, Aira. Probably all those times we talked on the phone, he was doing it because he felt sorry for me.

Because the difference is, he knows that I have feelings for him.

Even everything that I've typed hasn't completely covered every single emotion I've been feeling. Its just too hard to put in words. But basically, that's it. That's how it all feels.

When is it all gonna end? When? This pain I feel in my heart, when will it start to heal? I sure as hell hope it won't take years or something. Oh God.

I know that it was me who told him, we should stay away from each other for a while if you really want me to move on. I said it, and its probably good for me too. But it doesn't mean its not painful. It doesn't mean that there's no part of my heart that holds on to a shred of hope that maybe, he would just text me to ask if I'm okay. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to see him happy with the others, it doesn't mean that no part of me feels left out from his life.

Because all that was what made my tears fall last night. I'm pathetic, I know.

Get on with it Aira, you were the one who decided that you and him should stay away. You! Not him! It doesn't make a difference to him. He can still get on with his life as normally as if nothing has happened. He's fine. Definitely a lot more fine than you are. Its your own fault you're not talking to him or seeing him anymore. Not his fault, and definitely not your friends' fault.

You were the one who opened your heart to him. You were the one who fell in love with someone who doesn't give a damn about your existence. Its YOUR fault.

Do not let anyone near your heart again. Because if they can come near it, they sure as hell can break it.

Sometimes people put up walls around their heart not because they don't wanna let anyone in. But because they wanna see who cares enough to break those walls down.

He won't be one of those people. He's in love with someone else. And there's absolutely nothing that you can do about it.

He's not the one hurting. He's not the one crying. He's not the one who wakes up with swollen eyes in the morning. You are.

Its not like I wish all this pain upon him, hell no, its just...if only he knew.

But then again, even if he knew, what can he do about it? He'd probably think I'm extremely stupid and pathetic. And rightly so too.

Argh, its too much. Just. Too. Much.

"Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return."

Friday, February 6, 2009

OBSSESION

Look! I made it all by myself! Huhu. But its a pity this blogspot shrinks the picture, its actually really big and nice and its my desktop wallpaper. Huhu. Thanks to my brother who downloaded this photo-editting software thingy. My OTH mania has returned, since my best friend Belle has FINALLY seen sense and tried watching OTH herself, and guess what, she loves it! At last, someone I can talk about OTH to! She currently has the 3rd season dvd with her which I badly want to see, a big reason being because I think that Lucas looked his best during that season. No words can describe how perfect he is, rescuing Peyton during the school shooting and everything, huhuhu. Oh and season 3, I think, has the best episode ever in OTH, yes, that school shooting episode. Brilliantly shot and scripted, it was an episode that truly depicts the harshness of American high school life and how all of them had to pay the price for their own behaviour in the end. And of course, it was also the episode of the senseless murder of Keith Scott in the hands of his own a**hole of a brother, Dan Scott. No wonder that episode is the highest rated among all OTH episodes so far.

I also just read some good and bad news regarding OTH at this Chad Michael Murray fansite. The good news is, the CW has granted permission for OTH to return for its 7th season. But here's the bad news. The REALLY bad news. It says that Chad won't be returning!! *huge gasp*. When I read it I was like "whaaaddaaafaaaaaakk?!?!" How can you have OTH without its main title character?? Hello! Lucas is the main character in OTH, even main-er than Nathan! You might as well cancel the show altogether! End it at season 6! I mean, if Lucas is gone, who's gonna deliver all those beautiful voiceovers and quotes at the beginning and end of each episode?? That's his trademark! Apparently it says there that Chad wants to leave OTH to pursue other things and do movies. Cmon Chad, can't you do movies and OTH at the same time? OTH was the show that made you! It made you into a beloved star! You can't leave the show! I REFUSE to believe it!

*takes a deep breath*

Its NOT true. It can't be. Because if it is, I might just DIE of grief. My beloved show in the entire universe would be dead without my favourite character. No. No. Its not true Aira. Its okay. Just breathe. Breathe!