Saturday, August 22, 2009


Those close to me will know that I'm studying Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice for English Literature this semester. And they will also know how much I've been complaining about it, the language is hard, there isn't really a plot to the novel, its boring..etc. I still think so, but watching the movie has somehow opened up my mind a bit about the book.

The movie..I'll just say, it was fantastic. Brilliant. Excellent.

That is a lot to say about a movie that's been adapted from a book, and not just any book here, its from a literary masterpiece. You know how these adaptations always tend to be incompetent, inadequate, and just mediocre compared to the book? Well this movie was certainly anything but, and trust me, I've read the book (I did read the book before watching the movie, thank you very much). It was perfect. It must've been, I mean, how many 'adapted from books' movies can actually make you like the book, which you initially disliked? (Am I making sense here? Hehe. Oh well, I'm sure you know what I mean)

And of course, one cannot watch Pride and Prejudice and not fall in love with literature's most beloved romantic hero, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Now, when I was reading the book, I hated him. He was this grumpy, broody, snobbish, annoying, I'm-better-than-everyone-else person that I just loathed. I have to admit Matthew Macfadyen did play the role well, in the sense that he was that broody grumpy guy in the movie, but unlike the book, the movie made me understand and feel for him. The conflict of his character was portrayed so well, kudos to Macfadyen for that.

And he made me fall in love with him. *Swoons*

Heck, how could you not fall in love with a man at that time? Men in 19th century England were such perfect, perfect gentleman. They treat a lady, like, well, a lady. They even stand up when a woman walks into the room! Sigh. Ms. Sunita is right, there's no such thing as a gentleman anymore nowadays. Its a sad, sad world.

I wanna build a time-machine and go back to 19th century England. Please?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but even if you haven't read the book or you don't plan on reading the book, watch Pride and Prejudice. Watch this movie, and you will not regret it :)

Friday, August 21, 2009

Welcome, Ramadhan

Firman Allah Ta’ala :

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُتِبَ عَلَيْكُمُ الصِّيَامُ كَمَا كُتِبَ عَلَى الَّذِينَ مِنْ قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

Maksudnya : “ Wahai orang-orang yang beriman telah diwajibkan ke atas kamu berpuasa sebagaimana telah diwajibkan ke atas umat-umat yang sebelum kamu semoga kamu menjadi orang-orang yang bertaqwa ”. (Surah Al-Baqarah Ayat 183)

Selamat Menunaikan Ibadah Puasa

Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan Al-Mubarak

May this Ramadhan:

  • Be better than the last
    Bring out the best in all of us
  • Inspire us to perform more Ibadah
  • Instil good values and humbleness in all of us
  • Bring more berkat and rezeki for all of us
  • Be celebrated in moderation and humility

Let us not forget our less fortunate Brothers and Sisters around the world.

May Allah's blessings be upon them and all of us always, Insya-Allah :)

Have a blessed Ramadhan!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Inspiration & Jealousy

Recent developments in our nation has managed to make me sick. Not that I haven't been sick of it before, but it has increased tenfold these days, to the point where I just feel like shielding my eyes everytime my dad brings home the newspaper from his office. And he reads The Star, can you imagine what kind of junk the Malay newspapers have? Urgh. How could they. How could they take advantage of all those people who don't have the privilege of going on the Internet to seek for the truth? How could they keep spreading lies? How could they come up with stuff like the so-called '1Malaysia', and at the same time, be the primary culprits in increasing the racial gap between us? And what's with this talk of banning the Internet? Are we turning into China now? Deprive our people of knowledge and truth? Its crazy!

I know, I know, I'm outdated, but I've just been around YouTube to catch that brilliant Nazi-parody of the infamous MACC case. It was brilliant! Kudos to the genius who came up with that! The timing and subtitles were like, so cun! To those who hasn't seen in yet, you really should, I highly recommend it :)

Have I told you how much I admire this man by the name of Barack Obama? I basically just admire eloquent speakers, and Obama is essentially the eloquent speaker of our time. His victory speech never ever fails to inspire and raise my spirits. I loved it more than his Inauguration speech, though that was good as well. Although, seeing him speak does make me a tad jealous. And sad. It makes me wonder, when will be the day that Malaysia sees somebody like that as our leader? When is it when Malaysia will be a matured, developed nation that can accept change? When will we practice true democracy? When is the time where we can cast our vote, and have it counted for what it is? When will there be hope for our nation? Where is that great man, whose humility, leadership, charisma, intelligence and wisdom, who will lead us to a better future, to greater heights? When will I have that same integrity and patriotism that I see in the eyes of the millions of Americans who was in that crowd the night Obama won the election? When will I be truly proud to be a Malaysian? Will the day come during my lifetime? Or shall I, for as long as I live, be reduced to watching CNN or YouTube videos about how other countries are progressing day by day, how its people's voices are being heard, how leaders act, think and speak with their people's true intentions at heart?

When will I be able to stand tall and say - "I'm Malaysian. I love my country. We practice true democracy, we're corruption-free, we are given freedom of speech, our leaders are answerable to their people, every child is given equal opportunities to receive the best education, our streets are clean, our people have high standards of living, and none, no matter race or religion, is left behind. I am proud to be Malaysian."

If I won't be able to in my lifetime, then please God, let my children live to bear witness to that day.

I'll leave you with this video of Obama's victory speech. Watch it many times if you must, but watch it, so that you will realize how far away our country truly is. How much more we need to progress. Watch it so you'll know that despite how much the Government has indoctrinated into our minds, we are actually nowhere. Watch it so you'll know why we are nowhere. And watch it, so you know what we've been missing all this while, so you know what our "leaders" have deprived us from. This amazing man says it all. And he says it well, too.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Story So Far

So. I know it has been a million years since I updated this thing. Tak dapat 'feel' lah. Haha. But then I decided to update anyway just so you guys know I'm still alive. Lol.

Its been 2 weeks since I started my A-Levels at HELP University College. To tell in great detail my whole experience so far would take another whole day, so I'll just sum it up for now; its refreshing. The syllabus, the subjects, the place, the people, the overall atmosphere. Its been nothing but great so far :)

I'm taking 4 subjects: Law, Economics, English Literature and Maths. Yes, Maths. I know. I never ever wanted to take that subject but I kinda have to, for scholarship know, 4 subjects are better than 3..Maths is an advantage..bla bla bla. So yeah, I'll be stuck with that wretched subject for the next 1 and a half years of my life. And take note, when I say Maths, I actually mean Add Maths, cuz the whole subject is just like our Form 5 Add Maths, just tougher. I will never understand how those people can handle Further Maths. *shudders in utter horror*

Oh, and as if our workload for A-Levels isn't enough, our beloved Government has to make us take LAN (Lembaga Akreditasi Negara) Subjects, which are generally compulsory subjects that has to be taken by all Malaysian pre-university students. In my case, I'll have to take Islamic Studies (that I can accept), and Malaysian Studies. Yes. Malaysian Studies. I haven't actually started my classes yet, so it technically would be wrong for me to judge how the subject would be, but I'm sorry, it just screams out 'Government Propaganda' to me. Hmmm. We'll see.

I love college. And hopefully, I'll be able to ace all my exams. I need to go to King's College. Insyaallah :)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Rindu Nanti

Forgive me for the long silence. First of all, I just would like to say that I'm not yet ready to blog about my 'future', you know, where am I gonna continue my studies and stuff. I'll tell when I'm ready, okay :)

I wanna share with all of you a meaningful and lovely quote from my good friend, it goes like this;

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."

-Abang Zul

I think its beautiful. Take some time to ponder over it :)

By the way, I think most of you know that I've been working as a paid volunteer at Petrosains KLCC, right? Well, not for a moment have I ever regretted applying for that job. I've met some amazing people there, and I had the privilege of working amongst adults. And I realized how much we can learn from them. I met some of the best people in my life there and I'll be really sad when I start my studies and won't be able to work regularly anymore.

Rindu sangat dekat Kak Nadia, Kak Erma, Kak Tasha, Kak Narz, Kak Natrah, Kak Yaya, Abang Baem, Jiji, Abang Azriff, Abang Mi and Abang Yazid nanti! Hwaaaa :(

I'm not ashamed to admit that I Sayang Petrosains. And all the people there. Including Stagnos, PB's and kakak cleaners. Semua best-best and sangat cool. Saaaaaaaaaaaaayang all of them :):)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

What Malaysians Want

Today I would like to move away a little bit from my usual rantings about my own life, and instead share with all of you something that is, in my opinion, more important. Something that affects us all and represents everything that we want as citizens of this nation.

Its not originally written by me btw, I think those of you who read the newspapers lately, you would have spotted this full page ad by Anas Zubedy. I think it perfectly represents what I, and many other Malaysians truly want and hope for from the leaders and fellow citizens of Malaysia.

What Malaysians Want: A Social Contract

We want a Social Contract that ...

I) Sees wrong as wrong and right as right, no matter who did it.

II) No individual or community is left behind regardless of race or geography.

III) We work towards zero poverty – it’s superfluous to have skyscrapers and state of the art structures when there are Malaysians who do not have a place to call home.

IV) Recognizes the Malay and indigenous customs form the core culture while the Chinese, Indian and other cultures play strong supportive roles to make our nation a unique and exciting brand.

V) All Malaysian children receive a first rate education, every child is supported and encouraged to achieve his or her maximum potential.

VI) Encourages us to practice sustainable development without corruption.

VII) Allows us learn and appreciate our own religion while at the same time encourages us to understand the religions practiced by our fellow Malaysians.

VIII) We help each other in business and transfer knowledge and skills from one community to another.

IX) Treats non-Malaysians serving in our nation, Bangladeshis or Europeans; with equality, respect and dignity.

X) Does not introduce racism and division to our children at school or at home.

XI) We provide adequate health care for all.

XII) We look at our constitution as a whole and not pick and choose out of context to suit an argument.

XIII) Do unto your Malaysian brothers and sisters as you would like them do unto you.

XIV) Acknowledges that we are Many Colors, but One Race, Bangsa Malaysia.

There's lots more where this came from:

The above is the fourth of the “What Malaysians Want " series advertisements. The previous ones were:

Development Without Corruption:

A First-Rate Education:

Politicians who cooperate and compete to make Malaysia a better place:

Full credits to Anas Zubedy -

To my dearest friends, to those who read my blog, youth of today, take some time to read these articles, read, understand and think about it. I really feel that Anas Zubedy is someone who truly loves his country, because all he wants is the best for all Malaysians, regardless of race, religion, creed or colour. Truly inspiring :):)

Monday, May 4, 2009


At last, the much-anticipated UPU results are finally out.

And I will be the one of many, many others who will share my results with the world through blogging. Haha.

Alhamdulillah, I got my first choice, Asasi Undang-Undang Universiti Islam Antarabangsa Malaysia :)

I was so happy and relieved they didn't offer me Asasi Sains Hayat UM, which was my last choice. Very very thankful I got my first choice. Tak ramai yang dapat.

I'm actually conflicted now. I still want to go overseas, and since I didn't qualify for the next round of interviews for the SC scholarship (I know, I cried over that already. But I figured, maybe Allah has other plans for me), my only hope is JPA. IF, lets say, I don't get JPA, my mom gave me two options. Either I go to UIA, with no hope of going overseas for my degree, or go to HELP University College for A-Levels, self-funded by her and my dad.

HELP is expensive. Very expensive. But my mom said, if I really want to go, she can afford to pay for it. But I must get a scholarship for degree, because she cannot afford to send me overseas for degree. Kenapa la UM ni bodoh sangat tak accept A-Levels for their Law degree? Accept STPM je. Bodoh tak. That puts me on more pressure, because I thought if I tak dapat scholarship for degree after my A-Levels at HELP, boleh la pegi UM. But noooooo. UM accept STPM jerr. Stupid.

So sambil tunggu results JPA ni (waiting is agony, btw), I'm sending an application to HELP. Please God, let me have that JPA scholarship, please. Send me to a residential college, please. I don't want to burden my parents but I still want to go overseas.

I need you, JPA! Insyaallah dapat. Please. Amiinn :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


I don't wanna sound like a feminist or anything, but something that happened to me today prompted me to speak out about this.

Respect towards girls.

To all you boys out there, just, please, BELAJAR MENGALAH SIKIT DENGAN PEREMPUAN BOLEH TAK.

Be the bigger person, in other words, be the gentleman Allah the Almighty created your species to be and don't shout and yell obscenities at a girl, ESPECIALLY when she does not deserve it.

Who the hell do you think you are? Calling a girl 'sayang' one moment, then POOF, you yell at her the next? Ber-aku engkau pulak tu? Terjerit-jerit tak tentu pasal. Gila kot.

And the best part is, I did not deserve any of it. Not a single one of it.

How could you. How DARE you? Never in my life I've been shouted at like that, not by anyone.

I may not have many guys in my life, but those that I do have, are a million times better and more respectful than you are.

You've known me for what, 2 weeks and dah pandai jerit-jerit macam tu.

To all my girlfriends out there, 'these' kinda guys do not deserve a place in your life. WE deserve gentleman who respects us. Who understands us.

Sorry, I rarely use my blog to insult others (other than celebrities, and of course, those emo-angst filled posts from a few weeks ago), but what happened to me today was waaaayy out of line.

I just had to say something.

Geram tu belum hilang lagi. Memang takkan hilang kot.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Tagged By Fifi

Three Things That I Love :
1. Books
2. Literature
3. Petrosains

Three People Who Make Me Laugh :
1. Dan (rindu kat dia)
2. My Dad
3. Simon Cowell

Three Things I Hate :
1. People misspelling my name.
2. People asking me why I'm not planning to do medic.
3. Drama Melayu.

Three Things I Don't Understand :
1. Why people seem to hate Matt Giraud. I think he's great.
2. Why is the economic crisis affecting Petronas.
3. Why everyone in Petrosains thinks I look older than my age.

Three Things I'm Doing Right Now :
1. Doing this thing. Like, duhh.
2. Chatting with Ili on Facebook.
3. Teaching my bro some complicated Maths problem. Actually its not complicated. My brain's just got rusty due to lack of use.

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Meet the guy of my dreams, fall in love with him, get married and have wonderful kids.
2. Beribadat sebanyak yang mungkin.
3. Achieve my goals and make my parents proud.

Three Things I Can Do :
1. Buat Safety Briefing for group visits dekat Lobby. Bangga owh. :)
2. Read Harry Potter and Dan Brown's books over and over again.
3. Wear a tudung properly when I have to.

Three ways To Describe My Personality :
1. Ambitious
2. Over-analyzer
3. Thrifty

Three Things I Can't Do :
1. Play sports. I mean, any kind of sport. At all. I'm hopeless when it comes to sports.
2. Play any type of musical instrument. I really wish I could though.
3. Look at videos of myself.

People to tag:
1. Belle
2. Sarah
3. Wanee

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Hot Stuff

Look! Its the Jonas Brothers' new album cover! Its super GORGEOUS! I can't wait! :):)

Okay, calm down now. Its coming out laaame lagi, June 15th. Dahla they're not including Malaysia in their World Tour. Now I feel even more resentment at being born in this country. Hmmph.

As for my SC "assessment" that day, it turned out to be one of those case study things, where they give you each a situation, then provide you half an hour to brainstorm, then you go into the panel of interviewers alone and present it for about 10 minutes. After all of us were done, (there were seven people in my group), we moved to the meeting room, and were given 40 minutes to discuss with our group members about the case given to us. We were then required to give a conclusion and solution to the problem. The panel was not bad, they didn't say anything at all actually, they just observed and reminded us how much time we had left. All in all, I can just say that I think I did my best, but I don't know if its enough since everyone in my group was good. And these SC scholarships are really limited too. So..fingers crossed, all I can do is pray.

And now I know that breaking someone's heart is not easy. Especially if you don't actually dislike that person. You love that person's company, he/she is a good friend, he/she is caring and makes you laugh. But life is cruel. When you love someone, with all your heart, sometimes they just don't love you back the way you want them to.

I should know.

That's why it was so hard for me to do it. But I had to, or I would risk hurting him even more.

And you know I'm not good with risks. I'd rather play safe. Matters of the heart is not worth any risk. None at all.

I'm sorry.

You deserve so much better. You are an amazing person and anyone would be so lucky to get someone like you. You will find that person. Or rather, that person will find you.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Assessment, What?


The SC called on Saturday saying that I've been shortlisted from the interview the other day and I've been asked to come again this Wednesday, the 22nd, for an "assessment".

Its great news, but what the hell does "assessment" mean? Is it some scary exam? An IQ test? Another interview? They wouldn't tell me, too. They just said "dress well, be there by 8.30". Boleh tak.

That being said, I know that I really want this. I hope everything goes well. :)

Unfortunately, there are also other things on my mind besides this assessment thingy. And I have to say its more complicated. Waaayy more complicated. I don't know what to do. I really don't. Hmmm.

On another matter, it really is starting to piss me off when people stare at me as if I've just landed from Mars when I tell them I plan on doing Law. They'll go "Tapi mak kan doctor, rugi laa kalau awak ambik Law", or "Orang pandai macam awak nak ambik Law?? Ambiklah benda lain.."

What the hell is that about? Does that mean that Law is only for stupid people? Or just because my mom is a doctor, its like confirmed in my DNA that I will follow in her footsteps? Oh, wake up Malaysians. Medicine is not the only career path available. Besides, believe it or not, my mom is glad that I'm not joining the stampede of people wanting to take medic in this country. She's glad that I know what I want and not merely following the herd.

No offense to those taking medic, I'm just frustrated at the mentality of some Malaysians. Don't they know that in truly developed countries like America, you can take up any course (and in some cases, multiple courses) in university that you like and still make a career out of it. There are people there who specialize in Glaciology, Astrophysics, Cultural Anthropology, Entomology, and heck, even Tolkienology. If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, Google it. Or look it up in Wikipedia. Open up your minds. Believe it or not, there is a world out there.

That is the mark of a truly developed nation. A land of opportunity. A land where its people can pursue their dreams yet still earn a decent living for themselves. A land where the taxpayers' money is spent in the right way, for the well-being of the people, and for the eternal quest for knowledge and progress.

You're still very far off, Malaysia. I'm just sorry.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Just A Thought

"If you're always looking for reasons not to be with somebody, then you'll always find them, but at some point maybe you should let go and give your heart what it deserves."
-Lucas Eugene Scott

Oh Luke, how I wish it was that simple.

Friday, April 10, 2009


Alhamdulillah :):):)

I just received a call from the Securities Commission just now saying that I have been shortlisted for their scholarship award! Which means I have to go for their interview next Tuesday, the 14th. I almost couldn't believe it, I almost lost all hope of being shortlisted since they contacted me after about 2 weeks upon receiving my application. I really thought I didn't get it. But God is great. And I'm really happy.

But scared at the same time. Since I didn't do really well for my JPA interview. This SC interview should be harder since its individual (yikes!), they have higher standards, their scholarships are limited, and they are an actual company, thus I should have a sound knowledge on their company background, what they do, their vision and get the picture. And its not easy understanding all that either, since they're basically a corporate financial company, most of the stuff on their website is financial jargon that I don't really get. Oh great. Woopee. I hope I find something decent to wear too.

Please please please I really want this scholarship because its a guarantee that I will get into KYUEM and to the UK. Lets not think of being bonded to them right now. I just want to get into KYUEM. I need this. Try not to mess this up Aira, please? :)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Healing Wound. I Hope.

Okay, I know my three previous posts has been, dark, moody, angry, and downright depressing. But I'm glad to say that (for today, at least), I'm feeling a bit better. Hooray!

Blogging about my broken heart has kept me from updating all of you (ceehh..macam ade orang teringin nak tau je) about the latest going-on's in my life (apart from all the depressing stuff).

So here goes.

I went to Sydney two weeks ago (the 20th), and came back on Thursday. It was my second time there, but it was still awesome. We stayed in this gorgeous apartment on the 42nd floor, which is crazy, I know, and since I'm afraid of heights, it did freak me out (a little) at first, but then I realized that it wasn't that scary after all (maybe that was due to the fact that for safety purposes, the management locked the sliding door to the balcony and didn't allow guests to open them on any occasion). The view of the sunrise and sunset everyday was breathtaking, and it was cool to be able to see planes flying outside your window without having to look up. Haha. Oooohh and I got this gorgeous turquoise blue sequined bag at The Rocks bazaar for only 25 Australian Dollars! Its the kind of ethnic-looking bag that you usually see in Khazanah, which I have wanted for ages, but couldn't get one here because it was so expensive. And I got it in Sydney for approximately RM 50! How awesome is that? Oooh and I also got this really nice long gray cardigan, the kind that you only find in Topshop here in Malaysia, and it costs about RM 129, for only 29.95 AUD! What can I say? I love Australia. Huhu :):)

And now to the biggest show on Earth..American Idol. I have been a religious follower of this show ever since it was shown in Malaysia way back in 2003 I think, and every single year, there's always one person that captures my heart right from the beginning, that one contestant whom I see and straight away go like "he/she is DEFINITELY gonna win this season!". So of course, this year, that lucky contestant guessed it, the much-talked about Adam Lambert. And who can blame people for taking about him? He's frickin' AWESOME! In my opinion, he is by far the best contestant ever to grace the Idol stage. The energy and presence he brings to the stage every week is that of a seasoned performer! I really wonder why he hasn't been snatched up by a prominent recording company and gone on tour around the world or something. He has the whole package to make it in the industry today. The looks, the voice, the energy, the presence, everything. And he's exciting too! Every week he comes up with something different to surprise the judges and audience. Did you see how he completely transformed his broody emo look into an Elvis-inspired, hair slicked-back, more subdued style? He even got rid of his eyeliner and nail polish! And how he sang 'Tracks of My Tears' with not only perfect pitch (as usual), but with such heart, soul and grace? At that moment I was like "Hah! Padan muka sape yang ingat die boleh nyanyi lagu rock rock jer!". Lol. He can sing anything. Seriously. This guy deserves to win the title! He's even better than David Cook last year. And he won. So go figure. Simon Cowell predicted that Adam would be in the final this year (together with Danny, whom I like too) and Simon's usually right. Though I disagree with his prediction that Lil' Rounds will complete the top three, since I think Allison Iraheta is better. And she's only 16, younger than I am! America is a weird country. Haha. Anyways, Adam Lambert is definitely my craze on AI this year. Last year it was David Archuleta, hehe (who is coming to our shores soon! does anyone know how to get tickets??)

I have my JPA interview this Friday. Wish me luck! I really hope I get it, since I'm not so confident on getting the Securities Commission and Bank Negara scholarships, since they have such high standards, and my SPM results are probably just mediocre to them. Haha. I reeeaallyy hope I get it :)

I want to recover from this. I want to get better, be a better person, to myself, to him, and to everyone. I want to believe in love and happiness again. That's not too much to ask for, right? Please?

p/s: OMG I can't wait!!!!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Hate is a Strong Word. Because its a Strong Feeling.

I've come to a point where I've started to hate. I sat in the plane on the way home from Sydney, thinking about everything, from the first time I spoke to him, how close we became after that, and of course, all the emotional trauma and heartbreak I went through. And suddenly I felt this hate inside me.

I hate him for making me go through sleepless, tear-filled nights and waking up with swollen eyes.

I hate him for making me feel unimportant, insignificant, left-out, unneeded, unwanted, not-good-enough and inadequate.

I hate him for lowering down my self-esteem.

I hate him for scarring me so bad to the point that it is impossible for me to trust and let in another guy into my heart ever again.

I hate him for making me a cynic and sceptic when it comes to love.

I hate him for leaving me out.

I hate him for leading me on. Fo being so extremely nice to me, and then breaking my heart.

I hate him for loving her.

I hate his so-called "I still care about you cuz you're my best friend" thing. I hate it. If you mean it, then show it. Include me in your life.

But I guess, most of all, I hate the thought of him going through his everyday life, not being able to feel the same way about me, ever.

I hate him. I want him out of my life. I've had enough. Waayy more than enough. Good riddance.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Let it go. Let him go. Be at peace with it. Because there's nothing you can do about it.

You have so many other things going on for you. You don't need him. He is nothing. Just tell yourself that over and over and you'll make it through. He is nothing and you don't need him.

Not being able to say goodbye to him is a good thing.

Just let it be.

Because that's how life is.

You'll make it through, Aira. You'll make it through on your own. Just don't forget to put on your face when you get out, okay?

You'll be fine. It will be over. It will be.


Friday, February 27, 2009

The Pain

I haven't blogged for a really long time, not because I have nothing to tell..its just..I have too much to tell. Too much that I just couldn't describe. But then, at times all of it overwhelmes me and I just needed to let it all out. And so I thought that this is the best place to do it.

The tears came trickling down again last night.

Ever since that day, I have tried my very best to be one of those strong i-don't-need-a-man-to-survive kinda girls, and sometimes it does work, but a picture on Facebook that I saw just caused it all to come crashing down again.

I guess the most painful thing is..just wondering, does he miss me too? Maybe not as much as I miss him, obviously, but maybe just a tiny bit? If only he knew how much I miss him every single day. How I miss all the late night phone calls, the sms-es. If only he knew how hearing his voice on the phone can just make me feel like, I had someone. If only he knew how much his company meant to me, how much I looked forward to see him everytime we went out. If only he knew how everytime I scroll down my phonebook, my fingers would just go down to his name, sometimes just to stare at it, just to stare at the piece of evidence that he was, a huge part of my life. Then again, he still is. Sometimes I have to fight this powerful urge to text him, just to ask if he's okay.

And the next most painful thing is..that feeling, that feeling that I'm not good enough for him. I read something in Ainaa's blog that was really meaningful. It was something like, how is it possible that when you see a person you love, you don't see flaws. You just see everything that's wonderful in him, and you always try your best to find the good in him. But he doesn't see you in that way. Human emotions are a funny thing. I know that you shouldn't let a guy dictate how you think about yourself. That's very true. But then, he's the best and most perfect guy I know. I just feel so..inadequate, so..not good enough. I mean, there must be something in me that's missing, right? Since he's in love with her instead of me.

The wound just feels so..raw.

I just can't help but wonder. Does he think of me at all? We used to talk almost everyday. Does he feel a difference now? Maybe not. He looks happy with the others. But then again, why shouldn't he be? I'm the one with the broken heart, not him. Get that in your head, Aira. Probably all those times we talked on the phone, he was doing it because he felt sorry for me.

Because the difference is, he knows that I have feelings for him.

Even everything that I've typed hasn't completely covered every single emotion I've been feeling. Its just too hard to put in words. But basically, that's it. That's how it all feels.

When is it all gonna end? When? This pain I feel in my heart, when will it start to heal? I sure as hell hope it won't take years or something. Oh God.

I know that it was me who told him, we should stay away from each other for a while if you really want me to move on. I said it, and its probably good for me too. But it doesn't mean its not painful. It doesn't mean that there's no part of my heart that holds on to a shred of hope that maybe, he would just text me to ask if I'm okay. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to see him happy with the others, it doesn't mean that no part of me feels left out from his life.

Because all that was what made my tears fall last night. I'm pathetic, I know.

Get on with it Aira, you were the one who decided that you and him should stay away. You! Not him! It doesn't make a difference to him. He can still get on with his life as normally as if nothing has happened. He's fine. Definitely a lot more fine than you are. Its your own fault you're not talking to him or seeing him anymore. Not his fault, and definitely not your friends' fault.

You were the one who opened your heart to him. You were the one who fell in love with someone who doesn't give a damn about your existence. Its YOUR fault.

Do not let anyone near your heart again. Because if they can come near it, they sure as hell can break it.

Sometimes people put up walls around their heart not because they don't wanna let anyone in. But because they wanna see who cares enough to break those walls down.

He won't be one of those people. He's in love with someone else. And there's absolutely nothing that you can do about it.

He's not the one hurting. He's not the one crying. He's not the one who wakes up with swollen eyes in the morning. You are.

Its not like I wish all this pain upon him, hell no, its just...if only he knew.

But then again, even if he knew, what can he do about it? He'd probably think I'm extremely stupid and pathetic. And rightly so too.

Argh, its too much. Just. Too. Much.

"Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return."

Friday, February 6, 2009


Look! I made it all by myself! Huhu. But its a pity this blogspot shrinks the picture, its actually really big and nice and its my desktop wallpaper. Huhu. Thanks to my brother who downloaded this photo-editting software thingy. My OTH mania has returned, since my best friend Belle has FINALLY seen sense and tried watching OTH herself, and guess what, she loves it! At last, someone I can talk about OTH to! She currently has the 3rd season dvd with her which I badly want to see, a big reason being because I think that Lucas looked his best during that season. No words can describe how perfect he is, rescuing Peyton during the school shooting and everything, huhuhu. Oh and season 3, I think, has the best episode ever in OTH, yes, that school shooting episode. Brilliantly shot and scripted, it was an episode that truly depicts the harshness of American high school life and how all of them had to pay the price for their own behaviour in the end. And of course, it was also the episode of the senseless murder of Keith Scott in the hands of his own a**hole of a brother, Dan Scott. No wonder that episode is the highest rated among all OTH episodes so far.

I also just read some good and bad news regarding OTH at this Chad Michael Murray fansite. The good news is, the CW has granted permission for OTH to return for its 7th season. But here's the bad news. The REALLY bad news. It says that Chad won't be returning!! *huge gasp*. When I read it I was like "whaaaddaaafaaaaaakk?!?!" How can you have OTH without its main title character?? Hello! Lucas is the main character in OTH, even main-er than Nathan! You might as well cancel the show altogether! End it at season 6! I mean, if Lucas is gone, who's gonna deliver all those beautiful voiceovers and quotes at the beginning and end of each episode?? That's his trademark! Apparently it says there that Chad wants to leave OTH to pursue other things and do movies. Cmon Chad, can't you do movies and OTH at the same time? OTH was the show that made you! It made you into a beloved star! You can't leave the show! I REFUSE to believe it!

*takes a deep breath*

Its NOT true. It can't be. Because if it is, I might just DIE of grief. My beloved show in the entire universe would be dead without my favourite character. No. No. Its not true Aira. Its okay. Just breathe. Breathe!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

A Whole Lot of Issues

Its been 2 weeks since my last post, the long absence is due to reasons I will explain later in this post.

Firstly, I don't think that there is an excuse for someone with a blog nowadays to not speak out about the ongoing war in Gaza. Sometimes I just don't wanna look at the headlines anymore, not because I don't care, but because everytime I see those horrible images of the innocent women and children being killed senselessly, tears well up in my eyes. A mixture of pity, grief, hopelessness and guilt engulfs me. Guilt because I feel so bad living in this peaceful country amidst all these luxuries and the prospect of a bright future ahead of me when my brothers and sisters over there are becoming victims of genocide (you can say what you want, its genocide alright). It also sickens me that the so-called "leaders" of these nations are meeting in perhaps a comfortable, air-conditioned room in Cairo to "discuss" about the war and hopefully come up with an understanding to push for ceasefire while in the meantime, innocent women and children are still being killed every second. While the protests and demonstrations going on around the world is admirable, it still doesn't stop the killing. I know that a show of protest is at least something, but just think about this for a second. If it was your wife and child being killed at this very moment by merciless murderers, and you have nothing but rocks and stones to defend yourself, how would you feel if all the rest of the world can do is hold up a couple of banners, shout insults at your enemy and at the most, burn down the Jewish flag? I don't know about you, but if it were me, I would be pissed. Really pissed.

Amidst all this horrors, I can't help but be proud of one individual. One amazing, selfless and brave individual who makes me proud to be of the female gender, and to a certain extent, proud to be a Malaysian. She has always been there where help is needed, be it during the 2004 tsunami, the Iraq War, and now, in Gaza. I agree wholeheartedly with Yasmin Ahmad, that she is the greatest Malaysian to have ever walked on the soil of this country. Dato' Dr. Jemilah Mahmood is an inspiration to us all, and she should be made a role model for all Malaysians. Frankly, I don't think enough credit is being given to her. Instead of worshipping someone like her, we Malaysians prefer to idolize people who don't deserve to be idolized, a clear example being one champion of an extremely lame reality show, whose recent extravagant wedding reception I consider very sinful during these tumultuous times. I also fully agree with her statement in The Star recently, she said that "all world leaders should be held accountable for everything that is happening in Gaza". She also said that the world leaders have failed the people of Gaza. This is extremely true, for we have not seen any immediate action taken by them to end the war. I quote a line from the movie Troy, "War is old men talking and young men dying". Dato' Dr. Jemilah deserves to be the first Malaysian to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

To me, the best thing that we onlookers of this war can do is pray. It doesn't matter what race or religion you believe in, just pray. Because in the end, we all know that God is the highest power and only He can put a complete stop to all this. All of us cannot be gifted with the courage that Dr. Jemilah has, so the best that we can do is pray and have faith in a higher power, have faith that hopefully He will show us the way to end this madness.

Though it spoils the mood of this post a bit, I said earlier on that I would explain my long absence from the blogging world. Well, it is due to Petrosains. I believe I did mention in one of my previous posts that I sent in the application form to be a volunteer there, and guess what? I got it! I had to go for an interview, of course (which required me to sing, unfortunately for those people who had to listen), and I just completed my 5 day orientation programme last week. So I'm due to start my On Job Training (OJT) next Tuesday. Only after that I will get my uniform and officially start work. To those still curious, its only called "volunteer" work. We do get a salary, or an "honororiam", as they prefer to call it at Petrosains. So all that has been keeping me busy lately, therefore I didn't have the time (or mood) to blog.

On another subject, I love Nigella Lawson. I love watching all her cooking shows! She not only looks gorgeous, her cooking is mouth-watering (literally, my mouth waters while watching her cook). She and Jamie Oliver are my favourite celebrity chefs, though I watch Jamie-O more for his interesting personality rather than his cooking skills, haha. But some of his cooking is good, I must say. I think Nigella deserves the title of "The Domestic Goddess", her skills are divine! Oh and I LOVE her cooking utensils too, they're so beautiful! Hehe. I love all her recipes, from the meals to the desserts (especially the desserts!). Maaann, I wish I could cook like her. Haha, dream on Aira. Nak tolong mummy masak petang-petang pun malas.

One event I'm currently looking forward to is Barack Obama's Inauguration Day next week. Bush has been around for way to long. America and the rest of the world is in a desperate need of change. I can't wait for his Inauguration not only because I admire him, but also bacause I am eager to see what action is he going to take regarding the war in Gaza. Not to say that I am expecting anything much, actually. He is still first and foremost, an American. I just hope against hope that he will at least not show such open support for Israel like Bush did, that at least he would show some sensitivity and sympathy for the victims. Or else he is just going to let our hopes down. Hope and Change that he himself promised America and the rest of the world during his long campaign. Please, don't let us down, Mr. Obama.

Before I end this post, just a reminder to myself and anyone else who cares to read this blog: Please don't forget to pray for the war victims in Gaza. Prayer and faith, the only weapons we have against such deadly, cruel and merciless enemies.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Hopes and Reflections

Its my first official post for 2009! I know its very late, but I just would like to wish everyone;

Happy New Year!
May 2009 bring you happiness, health, peace and success, and may God's graces be with all of you always!

Honestly, I can't believe its 2009 already. The year I would get my SPM results, the year I would start college, and the year I would (finally) turn 18. The age where I (supposedly) become legal. I know this sounds cliche and probably every other blog post in the world is saying this too, but it seems like only yesterday I became a fifth-former, like yesterday I became a Malay debater and like yesterday I took my SPM. Frankly, I can't wait to get my SPM results. So many months of anxiety and uncertainty is killing me. Mostly because I already have this vision in my head. This vision where everything goes according to (my) plan. I get my SPM results (this I am not brave enough to predict), I apply for scholarship (and in my "vision", I get the scholarship, of course), I go do my A-Levels at KYUEM, I pass A-Levels with flying colours, I do my Law degree in the UK (preferably King's College, Oxford is just too far off, even for my perfect vision). Its too perfect, right? That's why I can't wait to get my results, so that I am able to know whether all this planning and dreams that I have for myself can be realized or not. All this months of planning it in my head is starting to get more torturous than exciting.

I will not do a complete flashback on my uneventful life in 2008, mostly because I'm too lazy to do it, but I must say that 2008 certainly had its highlights (considering I just said I lived an "uneventful" life, I'm not very sure whether you would buy it when I say "highlights", but oh well). So here goes, my 2008 highlights:

1. Topping the list, without a doubt, is the IIUM Interschool Debating Championship. Who knew, who on earth would expect that a bunch of inexperienced debaters (Ainaa and I were first-timers), with little and last-minute preparation, could end up 8th out of 84 schools, becoming the one and only Sekolah Harian to ever break into the top 8, beat RMC at the octo-finals, and meet MCKK at the quarter-finals? Certainly not me. IIUM was a priceless experience for me, and it was the first time in my life that I shed tears of joy.

2. Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia, a.k.a. SPM. Now I know you would think I'm insane for considering this as a "highlight" of my year, and you may think that I must live a really sad life to include SPM in my "highlight" list, but to me, yes, no matter how horrible it was, I do consider SPM as a highlight of my year. I always looked at SPM as the summation of 17 years of my life. Its like, after 17 years of living on this planet, this is it, the destination has arrived. The reason for 11 years of going to school and studying..the ticket to my next destination in life. Some papers were better than the others, and mostly I just don't dare to predict anything about my results because there were some papers which I knew I messed up. But the journey towards SPM is what I do remember for now. All the intense preparation, all the last-minute studying, how Cikgu Taufik, Mr. Jesu and Cikgu Amir prepared me to face Chemistry, Add Maths, Physics and Sejarah as if I'm going to war, and the tears I shed while saying thank you to all my teachers. I'll never forget Cikgu Taufik's words to me on the night before SPM:

"My dear students, achievement is not measured by how much you get, but how much you sacrifice to get what you want. Hard work without doa is meaningless and doa without hard work is like throwing yourself in fire. Good luck!"

And some of Cikgu Amir's words:

"Semoga Allah memberkati semua usaha Aira itu.."

SPM also made me realize that teachers are truly amazing, selfless, inspiring people. How they can sacrifice their own time for the benefit of their students never fails to impress me. And its beyond me how they can cope with the pressure of educating a whole generation of students to become someone they and their families can be proud of. And because of all that, I include SPM as one of my highlights for 2008.

3. My Egypt holiday! Need I say more? Read my last post. Haha. I miss the place so bad!

Well that's all. I told you I live an uneventful life. Haha. Oh yeah, I really hope the Jonas Brothers include Malaysia in their 2009 World Tour!! Please please please, I wanna go to their concert so so bad!

Have a great year everyone! :)