I don't even want to feel angry. I don't even want to feel upset or sad. I just wanna feel indifferent. Like Bree from Desperate Housewives said, "The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference". Because feeling something, anything, would mean that i care. And caring was what got me to this state in the first place. Because when you care for someone, you create reason to get hurt when that someone doesn't care for you back.
Sometimes I ask myself, why do I bother? Why do I return his calls and reply his messages the second I get them? Why do I answer his calls no matter how late at night it is? Why is he the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep? And then the answer comes to me. Its not merely the fact that I love him, I realized that some part of me holds a shard of hope that maybe, just maybe, if I showed him how much I care, maybe that feeling would be reciprocrated. Which is extremely pathetic, I know.
But wait, it gets worse. Because there were times when he made me feel so..special, so appreciated, like I meant the world to him. I told myself maybe he was just trying his best to be a good friend. And initially I was okay with that, I told myself, well, at least he's sensitive enough. But its worse because when he doesn't treat me that way, it makes me miss those times so much. It also somehow makes me feel that everything was fake, that maybe he was doing it out of pity alone and not because some part of him did truly care about me.
To those who truly know the reason behind me feeling like this, maybe you guys think I'm being overly dramatic. But recent events was somehow the climax of everything that's been going on with him lately. Actually, after knowing the truth about a month ago, I know I should be on my 'moving on' stage by now. But turning back on your heart isn't that easy. Especially when he's so damn confusing (I won't go into details about that here since I'm sick of talking about it).
The heart is a precious thing. That's why I'm reverting back to my old philosophy, to not let anyone near enough to my heart until they can touch it, because when they can touch it, they can break it.
"And there he goes, so perfectly, the kind of flawless I wish I could be."
I'll be on hiatus for 10 days. Don't ask me why.